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I'm obsessed with with this girl. She's leaving.
In the past school year, I've become friends with the principal violist of my orchestra. I've always really, really looked up to her. She's two years older than me (I'm 14). In my mind, she's the embodiment of perfection. She's an incredible violist – better than nearly every student I've ever met and better than almost every student in the country. She's the type that wins competitions, scholarships, and awards right and left, and regional orchestras practically beg to have her solo with them. In addition, she's beautiful, nice, likable, kind, funny, and popular. I've tried to be like her before; my attempts resulted in depression and self-hatred.
In the past year, I've also become obsessed with her. I think about her all the time – probably once every fifteen minutes. Whenever we're together, I pretty much follow her around. I Facebook stalk her. I read every review of every concert she plays. I probably should try to stop obsessing about her, especially because it's practically an invitation to compare myself to her.
And then, almost three weeks ago, she announced that she's leaving the orchestra. She made it into a big pre-college conservatory program 1000 miles away, where she's going to be studying with some of the best teachers in the world and building her career. I pretended to be happy for her, then went home and cried. I still can't get over the fact that she's leaving and I'm really depressed about it. I'm fairly new to the orchestra, this season having been my second year, and when I didn't know anyone else, she was the one who talked to me. I'm hoping that I'll stop obsessing over her when she's gone.
I don't even know her that well. We've only really been friends for a few months. Over the course of my life so far, I've had a lot of friends leave me and I really want a close friend.
How can I let go?
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From what you wrote it looks like we have 3 issues here. Comparing yourself to others You have a need for a close friend and How do you let go.
In some ways they are connected. It would be easier to let go if you had another close friend to distract you until you emotionally heal from the loss of your friend.
You don't have the close friends because you need first to work through your issues of not feeling you are good enough. We all catch ourselves doing it throughout our lives. I did it 4 yrs ago when my new husband wrote me on a dating site. He sounded so intellectual that i thought with only a highschool education that I might not be at his level intelligence wise. But I did not let my thoughts hold me back. We met and all my thoughts of inferiority were unfounded. I knew things he did not know and he knew things i did not know. We would be able to learn from each other.
We are all different with our strengths and weaknesses. Some have a natural ability with a particular hobbie or art such as your violist friend. You have one too. You are able to play an instrument too but perhaps your strength lies in an area you haven't discovered yet. Lets say you apply yourself to gardening and discover you have a natural knack for putting plants in just the right places so that not only does a garden look great but the plants thrive and this is just a natural talent. Once you study botany or master gardening you become so good that everyone wants you to work on their yards. Is one talent better than the other? No. They are simply different. One day your Violist friend and her orchestra members who are in the limelight, will come to you to design and landscape their yards because they not only don't have the time with their music career but they don't have the talent.
You need to learn about 'stinking thinking' i got that phrase from a self help book on how our thoughts can cause a low self image and other problems. And the trick is to catch yourself at it. Which will be every other minute at first. Once you retrain yourself to think differently, it's amazing how your own self confidence will attract people to you. But you'll also want to learn how to be a friend to get a friend. Dont go looking first for what you can get from someone else. When you enter any relationship in life from a stand point of feeling you lack, you will lean too heavily on the other person for your self confidence so that if anything happens and they leave or die, you are helplessly lost again.
Starting looking at self help books. Take your time. Many are written just for teens. Talk to the store clerk and let them know exactly what you want to learn to deal with. Randomly open the books at several different places and read a paragraph or page. If it isn't catching your interest or the style of writing bores you or goes over your head, don't get it. You don't want it to feel like a textbook but a juicy romance novel..the book you can't wait to turn the page to see what you will learn next. Yup, those books are out there!! Again I cant stress enough that you take your time in choosing the right book for you. You may want to try a second book later.When you are so focused on improving your self image, you will find you don't have the time to focus on her or miss her.
I would like one last time to drive home a point about comparisons. You said she was beautiful. That saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" It all comes down to personal taste as to what a guy will find beautiful in looks in a female, what a person finds to be their favorite music. I don't like grunge or heavy metal or rap music but thats my personal taste. Does it make those music venues bad? No. They are different than my personal likes. How about looks? Young females freak over their looks way too much. Look up on youtube celebreties without makeup on and you'll begin to get the picture...most of them all look as ordinary as the non celebrity people of this world. When I was on dating sites to meet my husband, I learned a lot of things. Some guys like thin women, some like chubby, some like obese, some guys my age are attracted to younger women, some your age are attracted to older women, some like women who paint their nails, wear tons of makeup and fuss alot with their hair and wear the latest fashion, others like women like me who don't color my hair, let it be natural and no makeup or nails done, just the earthy girl next door look but older than you. I thought maybe as I got older and the type of beauty i had when i was your age is fading, that guys would not find me as attractive. I am happy with my looks for my age and that makes all the difference. In my photos on the dating site, guys would comment that I was cute, beautiful, hot, sexy, look like I enjoy showing off my beauty as my age. I never expected to get comments like that but I met some of the people and they truly were genuine nice people and not making it up just to meet me. What I am trying to say that of all your issues, the biggest one you have to battle is your self image.
I have taken this much typing to give you enough examples cus I really feel for you. I was shy and had a lower self image when i was young but began to outgrow it around the time I graduated. Good luck!
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