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My boyfriend won't stop hugging me.
16F (my boyfriend is 16, too)
My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 4 months now. For the most part, our relationship is going well. There is one problem, though. Whenever we're standing next to each other, even if we're in school in front of our teachers, he'll lean over and wrap his arms really tightly around my chest. It always makes me feel super uncomfortable, especially because every time I have to lift his arms over my head to get him off of me.
Now, I understand that a lot of people might like this kind of thing, but I feel like he's not respecting my personal space and it's really embarrassing. I'm not sure why he does this, and he's almost knocked me off of my feet several times. He's a lot bigger than I am and there's really not much I can do, physically. I try to politely tell him to stop, but when he doesn't listen, I can't bring myself to yell at him and tell him off in front of everyone. It would be humiliating for both of us.
How can I make him stop hugging me like this and start respecting my space? And does anyone know why he feels the need to do this? Thanks in advance!
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When I was 15-16 years old my boyfriend did that a lot. Any time throughout the day at school he would have his arms wrapped around me.
I noticed a few other couples who did that too but I wanted to be the couple who didn't need to touch each other every time I saw them.
I'm thinking he's doing it because he wants to show everyone that he's yours. While that could be sweet, it can also be very annoying. So if he does it again, you tell him calmly that you don't like it.
Like you said, you don't want to make a scene at school so if he doesn't listen, later on when you guys have privacy, you tell him that you don't like it.
If he doesn't take you seriously, I'd say break up and maybe he'll take you seriously. This would be completely up to you. You said you have a good relationship except for this problems but it's just if a guy doesn't respect how you feel about something and he keeps doing it anyways, he doesn't respect your feelings and it's not a good quality in a guy.
Anyways, I really hope things start working. Good luck!
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I agree with adviceman that he sounds like he is "marking his territory". There could be more to it though. You said you politely asked him to stop. Your words along with body language while trying to not make a scene, may have sent him a totally different message than you intended. He may actually think you like it and only protest quietly to still seem a prim and proper female. His actions sound kind of controlling to me. But then again, he could be clueless that this is not acceptable behavior.
How to get this to stop is to have a talk with him not when he is doing it, but at some time when he is not, when you have the privacy to talk it out. Let him know how it makes you feel. You have a right to your personal space. You have a right to be with a partner who listens to your concerns and will respect them and NEVER embarrass you in public. Bring it to his attention that you notice it only in public where others can observe him doing so. Let him know it makes you feel like he's an animal marking his territory. Let him know you are not territory, you're a person with feelings and that if he does not stop, you will have to break up with him until he comes to his senses. You have to be willing to do that though because if you dont, it's as useless as telling a child they will get sent to their room if they don't follow the rules, and when they break the rules, they never get sent to their room. They believe you're not serious, and will keep testing you until you finally come through with your threat.
So have the guts to mark the boundaries with him. Tell him what the consequences are if he steps over the boundaries and DO follow through with those consequences!!! He might be tempted to test you and do it again to see if you will break up as you said.
If it comes to that and being stronger, he stalks you around school to continue to pester you and attempt to hug you in attempts to get you back, you can't let him bully and control you that way. The women who are weaker in standing up for themselves tend to end up picked on by men. Those who don't fear making a scene are not controllable by a guy. Just consider ahead a very slight possibility that you might have to say something out loud in front of others or ask for help from others if you feel fearful or threatened ever at any point. Ultimatums work well. Example: I will count to 3 and if you have not let go of me by then and backed away, I will yell and scream for help and i will tell school officials that i broke up with you and you are still not respecting my wishes. It will be your own fault if you feel embarassed and get in trouble. Imagine if you saw a guy being rough with his girl on school grounds and she looked scared and turned to those watching and said, "Somebody get help, he's stalking me and I am scared." Chances are he will back off quickly as he sees you and others go to alert school staff. How would you feel about that girl? Should she feel embarassed she had to ask for help? You may even had thought her kind of brave to ask for help in public. Thats actually pretty cool. The guy was definately not cool. She would've gained your respect...not your pity. Same will happen to you if you end up having to make a scene. Other girls may learn to stand up to guys who are mistreating them as well, they will respect you. Many may wonder at the details of how this came to be and may guess at your situation and stories can go around. Easiest way to stop this is satisfy their curiousity and tell me a little, enough that they realize that boundaries must be respected and then turn the tables on them, asking if any have boyfriends who don't respect their wishes. In successfully coming through a trying, embarassing time of your own, you may end up a good example to other girls.
I think that right now the stats are that 1 in every 3 teen couples have a female who is being mistreated to the point of verbal and physical abuse.
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There can be a multitude of reasons as to why your boyfriend does what he does. The most basic of reasons is animalistic in nature. That he is in hugging you this way showing other males that you are his. In some respects you could say he is marking his territory. This is something all animals do including the human animal.
That being said their is one thing that places the human animal above all other animals. That is the ability to communicate. Communication between people is the key to any successful relationship. Be it a love relationship, friendship or business.
You ask? "How can I make him stop hugging me like this and start respecting my space?" What you haven't said is if you have ever spoken to him about this, which is what is needed.
What you need to do is tell him straight out that this makes you uncomfortable and why. He will most likely respond that this is his way of showing his love for you. Which is another way of saying he is also marking you as his. Which can be fine as long as he understands you are both individuals and while you may be his love he does not control you. Something else that needs to be discussed with him as someone who marks their territory is usually also someone who is very controlling of others.
Relationships work better when there is good communication. IF you cannot communicate this really simple problem to him and have an open discussion with him because he won't discuss it. Then my advise is that this boy is not respecting of you and you should find someone else.
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