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I'm 13, female. I feel nothing. For about a year, I haven't been happy, sad, embarrassed, or anything. I know why. Long story short, my dad sucks, and I hate him. Other than anger and frustration, I'm empty inside. Accordinng to my research online, it's probably some sort of defense mechanism. I don't take antidepressants anymore. No one believes me. I go to a therapist, and she thinks I'm ignoring it, supressing it. I'm not, I'm not. I don't even want to tell my parents. They'll say the same thing. Question is, what's wrong with me?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Take with a grain of salt, I am not a trained professional, but you're showing pretty standard signs of depression. It's pretty common to withdraw emotionally from the world when things hurt and to have the only things that really move you be anger related.
Keep seeing your therapist. Suppressing is exactly what you are doing. It doesn't have to be a conscious decision, a defense mechanism is usually subconscious or unconscious, behaviors that come into play without you having to think about them because once it hits your conscious mind it hurts.
In simplest terms what's wrong with you is that you've both had too much negative in your life recently and you've focused too much on the negative. Bad things make you feel bad and eventually you get sick of feeling bad and end up feeling nothing at all.
How do you fix it? Inject some fun into your life somehow. Start out alone maybe, where you don't feel the pressure to put on a facade for others or fake anything. Do something that should be fun and try to enjoy it. If it doesn't work, do something else. Reading, video games, bike riding, a sport, a craft, it doesn't really matter what so long as it occupies you enough that you don't have a ton of time to think.
Pick something. If it doesn't work, pick something else. The first step to feeling happy again is going out and doing something that should make you happy.
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First I have a question. Is your father verbally or physically abusing you? If so you need to tell the police or your therapist about this. Abuse of a child is not only wrong it is also illegal.
Abuse comes in many forms. There is physical, verbal and sexual abuse. They increase in both pain and depth of as only one of these leaves marks that can be seen by anyone. The others take a trained doctor to see or figure out.
Generally teenage females write us about problems with their mothers more than with their fathers. Boys seem to have more problems with their dads.
One of your problems is you are what the doctors call non-compliant with your treatment and medications. Now it is very possible you are on the wrong medication. I'm not a doctor so I cannot begin to say what the right medication would be. For medication you should be seeing a Board Certified psychiatrist. No your not crazy, your most likely suffering teenage depression. A Board Certified psychiatrist is better qualified to prescribe medication then the family doctor as what is most likely the cause, besides stress, is two chemicals secreted in the brain are insufficient to help stabilize moods. A Board Certified psychiatrist is better trained to treat this illness than the family doctor.
Next is your therapist. Whatever you say to your therapist stays with your therapist. Nothing gets past back to your parents. When the therapist meets with your parent(s) they talk in general terms about what they can do to help you and what might be bothering you. They never repeat anything you say to them as anything you say to them is strictly confidential. So you should feel free to be open and honest with your therapist and speak about anything and everything that bothers you. Including if you feel you are being abused by anyone.
Now it is possible that you are not comfortable with this therapist. Not everyone clicks with the first therapist they meet. You may be seeing a male therapist and would be more comfortable with a female therapist. It is also possible you are seeing an older therapist someone who gives of an adult authority and vibe to you making it hard to speak openly. You might be more comfortable with a younger therapist probably a female in their twenties. If so say so.
You are seeing a therapist because your parents, yes plural, want to help you and get you to a more comfortable place in life. If the tools they have supplied, the doctors and therapists, are not helping you need to speak up and ask to see different doctors.
I'm old enough to be your grandfather and I have gone through a bout of depression though I was much older when it happened. So I know how you are feeling. You are in a position where only you can truly advocate for yourself as no one who has not been where you are with this illness cannot truly advocate for you.
Speak up, shout if you must but let mom, dad or your therapist know exactly how you feel and what you are feeling. Cry if you must I did, many times when I was with my therapist. By the way I went through two other therapist before I found one I was comfortable with.
In short I do not feel there is anything wrong with you other than you must learn to speak up for yourself. Open up to your therapist, if your not comfortable with this therapist say so. If the medication is doing nothing for you then you must tell the doctor and the doctor will try another medication. If you will do as I just wrote I promise you if nothing else, such as any type of abuse is going on in your lie, you will feel better about yourself and you will get better.
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Obviously you are very unhappy so you've shut your emotions off. That is a coping mechanism...tell me about it...I did that for many years while married to a verbally abusive husband. BTW, your dad isn't verbally or physically abusing you is he? If its anything like that, authorities need to know.
If it's just bad parenting, can you find support and solace with mom? When we have a kid, they dont come with an owners manuel...parents have to learn as they go. Some have a knack for it, some don't and some instead of rectifying a problem only make things worse.
I don't know your situation exactly so its hard to tell you what to try. Sometimes a parent can love their kids but have a terrible way of showing it where it seems to be the opposite for all the yelling and putting down you get. If you can cope with living at home the way you are doing it, then continue on. If it begins to affect your health or studies at school you might want to find if a relative can take you or a friends parents take you in for a while although this has to be discussed between your parents, you and counselor and those who are willing to have you stay with them.
If you feel you are in danger of becoming very depressed, this needs to be discussed with professionals also. There are ways to raise your levels of neurotransmitters in your brain by simple actions such as skipping, dancing, bear hugs, singing songs that are uplifting to you, etc... I hope this helps a bit. If you have any more info that might help, I'd be willing to see if I might have anything more to add to try and help more.
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