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Being completely self-destructive with an ex
I was with this guy for about 6 years. We met when we were still kids, just 16 so of course it was all really intense - first love and all that. I thought it was like a fairy tale. We were completely obsessed with each other. It was a long-distance relationship so of course it's no surprise it didn't last. Anyway, he suddenly totally changed and broke up with me out of the blue, completely wrecking my heart and getting together with my ex-best friend just a few weeks later. Though they broke up a few months later, it was the worst thing ever I ever had to go through.
It took me about 1.5 years but now I felt like a different person and like I got over it.
A little while ago he suddenly messages me and asks me how I am, I tell him how terrible everything was but how I feel like I'm a stronger person now and I hope someday he'll become a better man. I thought it would end there but we started talking again. One thing lead to another and we video-chatted which lead to flirting. We both confessed we still think about each other in a sexual way and we've carried on that way ever since. It's been going on like this for a few weeks now.
I hate myself for it because I just have no idea what's going on anymore. All my family and friends hate him because of all the pain he caused me yet I don't seem to. I don't understand myself and I feel like I'm going nuts. I shouldn't still want him after what he did to me, should I? I feel like an idiot and a really weak person, like I haven't changed at all.
I don't even know whether I still love him, I don't think I do. Then why is this all happening? Do I still have feelings for him? Are we just falling back into a comfortable pattern because we don't have anyone else at the moment? I'm scared that it'll lead to me getting hurt again. Is there something wrong with me?
Please help, I can't talk about this with any of my family or friends, because I'm afraid they'll judge me and be really disappointed in me.
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Hey there!
I think what you are feeling isn't so much love.
When he broke your heart, somewhere inside of you, you didn't feel good enough am I right? What I believe is happening is that now that he is interested again, you subconsciously want to prove that you CAN be good enough, that you CAN hold him. Of course, obviously, you were extremely close to this man for a long time, I know you feel for him. But what is really holding you back from moving on is that challenge, that "can I do it" nagging at you.
And honestly, the best way to beat it, is to leave. This time it's YOUR decision. You can take back that control after he left you feeling so powerless years ago.
Goodluck!
xoxo
LoLLiPop
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I don't think you still love him, you might still have feelings though. I do believe you two are just talking to each other because you don't have anybody else at the moment.
You have changed, but you don't need him and you know that. You don't have to be mean, you don't have to hate him like everyone else does. Your feelings for him will go away eventually, just give it time. You were with him for a long time, it's not strange at all that you're falling back into him again.
You're just not letting yourself get over him, so I'd suggest just stop talking to him. I'm sure you have better things to do and better people to meet.
But no, there is nothing wrong with you. You know he could possibly hurt you again and you're just not ready. He's no good for you and you deserve to be happy.
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I think you nailed this: you've got nothing else going on, and flirting and being sexual with an ex is comfortable and easy.
Meeting someone else is high risk.
An ex is the devil you know.
Don't beat yourself up, but it does sound like you know you don't want a relationship with him. You know you've changed. You don't have to hate him, or what he's done in the past, to know he isn't right for you now. It's okay to have feelings for exes - they are important people in your life - that doesn't mean they shouldn't be exes.
Get busy. Instead of being available to chat, go out with a friend, watch a movie with your mom, bake cookies. You need to occupy yourself to move forward, not dwell and fool around with him online.
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