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Not being the "victim" according to my husband
My name is Brenda and I'm 32 years old. My husband is 31, this is his first marriage and my second.
I am at a loss on how to communicate with my husband, it seems that I can do nothing right , to have a conversation is almost impossible and when I bring it up to him I am being dramatic and acting like a victim. I don't know what to do. It just really upsets me when he says I act like a victim. I feel like he just doesn't want to talk with me, but he can talk to his friends.
Help me please. I fear loosing the man I love over something so trivial.
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Get marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, go by yourself.
Bad communication normally means both people are messing up, and you wont be able to fix it all by yourself, but you can address the things you are doing wrong and talk it over with a rational and impartial expert.
If your husband has descended to name-calling and contempt, that's not trivial anymore. If the two of you, together, can't change course, that kind of contempt will kill your marriage.
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Teach him to say "poor baby" when you start your whining. Only partially joking. First thing you have to recognize is that we all whine, it's a part of our make up. No matter how good you have it, there is something that could be better. There is so much that I don't know about your relationship, but perhaps there is need for a little more humor and a little more self examination on both your parts, but him just telling you your acting like a victim doesn't help. People who like to consider themselves victims, learned this at a very early age and most often don't realize they do it. It takes a lot of effort to break what is a way of life to you. The thing he doesn't understand is, he can't break it, only you can. You can't do it unless you recognize it and want to change it. Now, what you need to find out why does it bother him now, when he married you knowing you were like this. Was he thinking he was going to change you? It is a common misconception that we can change the things we don't like in our mates once we marry them, hell, we think we can do this in our friends. Fact is, you are trying to do this in him. This is the kind of things that you need to talk about and be real, don't tell him you will change, because it is not likely you will. To learn to live with each other, you have to learn to accept the things you can not change and move on with the relationship. I could go on, but I've probably lost you already. A relationship does not grow if you don't communicate with each other, tell him to stop speaking in right wing rhetoric and talk about something that will help you two to understand each other. Be well.
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I really need more information to properly answer this question. I also do not understand, because of the lack of other information why his answer to you is; "I am being dramatic and acting like a victim." What might you be try to discuss with him that would elicit this response?
As for a general response to you: You two must of communicated prior to getting married. It is almost impossible outside of an arranged marriage not to speak with each other before you married.
Now I am not placing any blame here on you or him. What I am asking, since I am flying blind on the cause for the problem, is think back to discussions you and he had when you were dating and during your engagement period. Try to see what if anything has changed in you or him. This would be the first place to start in correcting this problem.
Be objective in your thinking if you have changed then admit that to yourself. If you both have changed, which is quite possible, then admit that too. If he has changed then you need to try and find out what has caused this change in him.
If you would like to answer my questions you can do so in a private message to me. The only people that will see that message is you, me and the moderator of this site should he stumble across it.
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