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He's SMOTHERING me!
21/F Sorta long but PLEASE read I need help!
So I was dating this guy for about 5 months (he's 19) and at the beginning it was really fun, I mean A LOT of fun like I've never had someone who I can just talk to about anything and everything and be able to laugh so much with. Anyway, once I told him I liked him it kind of went down hill from there.
He started showing his insecure side he would say things like "how can you like me I'm a loser and I'm not going anywhere with my life" and I just let it go because he really was such a nice guy and I loved talking to him.
So we became official about a month after talking and the neediness subsided, at least so I thought. We talked all the time I mean all the time if I didn't text him within 10 minutes he would text or call me again. I guess I didn't really think much of it until the "honeymoon" phase ended for me and I was like dude I DON'T have to be texting you alllll day leave something for the imagination. I guess it doesn't help that I'm very very independent. I LOVE long distance relationships because i love my own space. I can't stand having a guy all over me all the time.
Well I eventually broke up with him because I couldn't take the "Do you love me? What do you love most? Do you see us getting married? Come lay with me. Come cuddle with me. I need you. You are the only thing I have going for me. If it wasn't for you I don't know what I'd do"
I told him we just need to be friends (we tried but he kept asking me why I didn't want to be with him like everyday so I told him we can't be friends anymore) But now he won't stop texting/calling me. Am I a bad person because I really really really don't miss him like at all. I miss laughing and joking but that's it. What do I say to let him down gently and to get him to just back off already!!! Him doing this is not making me want him but just making me glad that I broke it off.
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The thing is you may well be a perfect match. It's this behavior that has pissed you off and changed your perception of him.
He probably is clueless around girls and rejected because he hasn't learned how not to push a girl and that talking about the past or insecurities all the time isn't wanted by anyone. His social skills suck and all he wants is for someone to truly make him secure in knowing they like him.
What you can do is tell the truth with tact. Next time he texts say "Please stop texting me I have to pay to read them. Let's talk at lunch tomorrow."
Meet him for lunch and find a quiet spot where you can talk alone. Explain to him you used to want to be with him and probably still would but that his constant mentioning insecurities, texting, calling too much drives you and other girls away from him.
Tell him you enjoy the jokes, laughing, and normal friendship stuff but that he has to curb the other behavior for once and for all or girls won't be interested.
Tell him the only way you want to be a friend is if he does this and or romantic partner or you're done and be firm and stay firm on this.
Perhaps what you could do is offer to teach him how to get on with people and women and what not to do in certain situations so that he could finally learn this and do well with future partners.
I think you should get him to do that as deep down you really did like him. Perhaps if he changed for good you would still be interested. I think he really likes you but can't handle the actual relationship if he's in one as he has no social skills. I think he may be a good partner for you provided you can train him how not to piss you off.
If he can't change or is unwilling to try with you than tell him "One day you will meet the right girl but I'm not the one for you. Please move on from me as I'm not interested. Don't text or call please anymore. I think you are a great guy but friendship isn't a wise idea.
"You must learn so you are successful with other women never to bring up past insecurities, be constantly in one's face and overdoing things there and online and texting. It makes you look like a nuisance when it's not your intent. Girls hate it."
That's what he needs to learn but do you want to help him learn this as a sign of compassion? That's what you need to ask yourself next.
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He was needy, he was insecure and little by little he was dragging you down. A guy that cannot trust his partner and respect that person should not be in a relationship.
If someone smothered the shit out of me, I would do the same the thing.
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He's a cling on. dont feel like a bad person, that was a smart move! Honestly you can't be gentle with a guy like that because he wont get the memo. Just tell him you just aren't interested in him in that way and that if he wants to keep calling and texting you, you'll change your number or go to the police with a restraining order! You've got to show him your serious, you can do it!
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