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I don't want to be seen as a slag
How do I get rid of the slag reputation?!
I had a boyfriend for 2 years when I was 14-16 and we were sexually active. When we broke up I started to have sex with one guy and then his friend found out in my school and I had sex with some of them too over the past 7 months. I have slept with 6 guys in total and I am 17 which to me isn't that many but in school I am seen as the "school slag" I hate it and cry about it all the time and always tell myself not to do things at parties! But every time I go and have a drink or want to have fun and the boys are there they make me feel guilty cos I'm a push over and I end up regretting it the next day! I hate this reputation and hate everyone looking at me in school! How can I just get rid of it and lives life and find a normal boyfriend who I can trust and be loyal too. X x x
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I'm old enough to be your grandfather so let me offer you some grandfatherly advice. While it may sound as if I am lecturing you, I am not. I am going to try and point out what you are doing that is wrong that has lead you to where you are.
First of all changing ones reputation, especially in high school is among the hardest of things to do as high schools in general are really a closed society. The one thing that you can take comfort in is; at 17 you should be close to graduation. Once you graduate and move on to college you will probably see very little of these people in the future. This does not mean you have to remain the person you are today, you can start to change.
From what you have written the biggest reason you have picked up the reputation you have is your drinking. Alcohol is actually a depressant in that it depresses your inhibition allowing you to do things you might not ordinarily do. This is why you have slept with 7 boys which by the way is a lot for anyone let alone someone your age.
There is a reason alcohol is restricted to people over the age of 21. Frankly many people who are 21 are still not mature enough to handle alcohol responsibly.
As a fire fighter I can tell you that on Friday and Saturday nights when we are alerted to accidents any time after 1 am the accident is usually alcohol related and the drivers are 21 years of age or younger. Now you might think that since it is our job to rescue these victims or recover the bodies we would be jaded to this,we are not. Separating young people dead or alive from mangled steel hurts all of us for the kids we are trying to save could be any of our kids or are neighbors kids. Not only that but these accidents are totally preventable if the young people obeyed the law and drank responsibly.
You are to young to drink. No matter how old and how mature you think you are you are not mature enough to handle alcohol. This is why your inhibitions are lost and you become a push over. So the first thing you must do is stop drinking. Do not allow peer pressure to force you to drink.
I made a deal with my son when he was your age. If he ever found himself at a party where drinking was going on and if he did drink he was to call me, regardless of the time and I would come and get him. I would suggest you talk to your parents about a similar arrangement. I only had to pick him up one time and he was over 21 at that time. He and hia friends were celebrating his becoming a firefighter.
The reason I never had to pick him up from a party was we had another agreement. I knew the attraction alcohol has for teenagers so at home he was welcome to drink any of the alcohol, beer or wine we had in the house and not get in trouble. As long as he drank in front of me things were find. If he drank behind my back then I would be on him like a ton of bricks. Here again an agreement like this is something you might want to discuss with your parents.
As parents we know the attraction drugs and alcohol can have. We can talk to you about it. We can threaten you with the severest of consequences if we catch you and still most of you will defy us. We know this too.
We also know what happens when you so defy us. Since these things are depressants your inhibitions are down and you have sex. We worry about you getting pregnant. You worry about getting a reputation.
If you stop drinking and learn to say no and or walk away when offered. Your friends will still for a while tease you to try and get you to drink for they know if you drink you will drink to much and then they can have sex with you. When they realize they can not get you to drink they will also realize you are no longer the "school slag".
I've taken the long way to get to this point. Hopefully this lecture will help you in other ways. If you find you NEED alcohol then you have become an alcoholic and you need to join aa.
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This is a tricky one. It's easy to get a reputation among your age group, possibly undeserved. Getting rid of one is a lot more difficult. The first step is of course to deny them any more fuel to add to the fire as it were. To effectively change a behaviour pattern requires an understanding of the cause. Simply vowing not to repeat actions has little or no power to prevent you from doing so, as you seem to have found out. We need to sort out the cause at it's root, so to speak. I'm going to have to take a punt here, which may be completely wrong since your note is all I've got. Your boyfriend of 2 years...did you feel he WAS the normal boyfriend you could trust and be loyal to? And was the decision to end your relationship HIS and NOT yours? If this is so then it will have been a bit of a blow to your pride, and what is often called 'self-esteem' which is basically 'how good you feel about yourself.' If this, or maybe some other event lowered your self-esteem then one of the ways we can (wrongly) attempt to rebuild it is to sacrifice the little we have in trying to win the esteem of others. This normally takes the course of 'giving them anything and everything they want so they'll like you'. Perhaps you can see where I'm going with this? There's no 'regulation' or usual number of guys a girl can have had sex with at 17. But assuming 5 of them have been in the last seven months, it is getting a bit 'prolific' shall we say? To arm yourself against the guys, and the behaviour you mention then, the first step is to start 'feeling good' about yourself. You have to start seeing yourself as something MUCH more than just an object for a bloke to satisfy his sexual urges with. You are. You deserve much more than this. But YOU have to feel you do. Next time a situation occurs try to defy it. If you win (that means NOT jumping under him!) it will build that esteem one little step. And so on. Tell him you've outgrown casual sex now, you're looking for something a bit more committed now...and man you can be proud of...something like that maybe? You've probably got ideas of your own on how you might do it? A big benefit of higher self-esteem is also that you will care less about 'slag' comments or snide remarks....really you will. One more piece of good news. Despite what we say or think, that we will always stay close to school friends past 18 when we leave, few of us actually do. They'll be replaced by your University set (if you go) or work colleagues and their friends (if you don't). The school reputation, and any trace of it will be left way behind you and you won't worry a damn about playground gossip. So no more tears and anguish, start showing the sex 'opportunists' that it's phase that's over for you and them...and a life is a lot bigger and broader than the bit you're looking at right now. Are we making a start? Getting somewhere? Let me know...you CAN work through this!
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