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Which man should I stay with?
I have been married for 25 years and have the sons ages 22,21,and 18, but my husband and I have not 'lived' together for the past ten years. The first five of those ten years my boys and spent living in Amman, Jordan with his family while he stayed here and while I talked to him almost every day he only actually came to see us only four times. Then when we moved back here, we lived together for three months when he decided that he wanted to go take a job in another state because the place he was working at here was closing, and the boys and I should stay here because they had just started school here. During the next three years things between us got really bad. He called me some times threatening to take our kids away from me, that I would never see them again and even that he would kill me and take them away. He came 4 times to visit us during those three years. The first time we had gotten in to big argument about money. The second time he came unexpectedly and our two oldest sons who were 18 and 19 at the time were not home. He accused me of lying to him when I told him I didn't know where they were and he hit me open handed in the middle of my forehead. Third time, our oldest son ran away when he found out he was there and would not come back till he left and went to stay in a hotel. The 4th time, my youngest son and I were at home and the two oldest ones were down stairs at a neighbors house when he decided to show up. He took the phone from me so I would not be able to call my older sons, and when I tried to go was clothes he told me no that he didn't want me to leave the apartment. So, I went back to the kitchen to help my youngest son with his homework. After a short while a neighbor from across the street came and knocked on our door asking for something but I knew my sons had asked her to come check if I was ok. After that I tried again to go wash the clothes again and he still said no. finally I got tired of this and I told him I didn't care what he said and that he couldn't keep me in the apartment and when I opened the door to leave he jumped on me, grabbed me by my hair, knocked me to the ground and dragged me back inside. He told me to go to the bedroom and I told him I didn't have to listen to him and he started coming at me again when my youngest son came between us, and stopped him and took me to the bedroom. After that my foot started hurting me really bad to the point where I could even stand to touch it to the ground and it turned out that he had sprangEd my foot when he knocked me down.
Over the next two years he started to realize what he had done first he asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said that it would most likely be best, but when he sent me the papers to sign I didn't sign them right away. We started talking after that and he said that he wanted to try and work things out. Now ten years later, my two oldest sons are living with him and he wants me and our youngest son to come live with them. He says that he misses me and he wants to make things up to me, but he never calls me,I always have to call him and then he asks me why I don't call him more often. I agreed to come there after our youngest son finishes high school which is this May. He went and rent a big new apartment there in anticipation of us coming there. The problem now is that I have meet some one else. He is a wonderful man and he makes me happy and he wants me to stay here with him. He wants me to get divorced and marry him, but I'm not sure what to do. I worry about going there to live with my husband and he is going to decide that he wants to move back to Jordan or that things don't work out between us. Then I think that if I stay here I am leaving my boys and my family. I am not sure what to do, do I give my 'husband' another chance or do I stay he with the new man who makes me happy now and I am getting closer and closer to every day but this thing with my 'husband' keeps getting between us.
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From what you say, your "husband" has physically and emotionally abused you and should probably be in prison.
Nobody deserves to be treated as you have and I'm sure your sons would not want you to risk your safety and well being for their sake.
Also what kind of message is it to send your sons about domestic violence if you go back to the man that beat you?
I can't tell you whether you should "choose" the new man, but you would have to be insane to go back to a man who treated you as badly as your "husband" did.
If you do decide to go back to your "husband" maybe you could persuade him to go on an anger management course or get some counseling to show he really has changed. After all if you or your son had gone to the police when he assaulted you he would probably be in jail right now - he owes you big time.
I hope things work out for you and your sons whatever you decide.
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