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How to stop feeling like my life is going nowhere? What should I do?
The last two days I've fallen into a horrible slump. I feel like I don't really exist and maybe I should just kill myself. I feel like the economy and our government has screwed me over and like nothing will ever work out.
I fought so hard to graduate from HS with honors, multiple awards, lots of volunteer hours and two months out of high school I got my first job making $10.25 an hour. I get paid biweekly so I take home 1410 and give my mom 550 of it for rent so I keep $860. I would still need to pay for my own car which would cost me $550 in financing every month and about $80 car insurance which leaves me with $230. $70 of that goes to my cell phone bill which is $160. The rest of that would go towards groceries.
I am basically screwed. There is no way I will be able to move out anytime soon but she wants me out of the house before the end of the year.
I keep thinking I should just kill myself.
None of my family cares about me. Boys lose interest in me after a couple weeks of talking to me when they realize I don't want to have sex with them right away. I don't have very many friends. I don't have anybody to help me financially.
The only other way I see out is that I've been on this sugar daddy site where a lot of guys seem to think I'm really gorgeous and intelligent and want to give me a chance.
One of them talks about how much he wants to spoil me and that I would never have to work again and even that he would want me to live with him.
Right now I'm too scared to even walk to a local store by myself let alone fly out on a plane alone to meet a total stranger based on some stuff he wrote to me on the internet.
I also don't want to do that because I don't want to turn into some high class whore because I know those guys would want sex and I always thought of myself as one of those girls who was going to find the right guy and marry him and then lose her virginity but I don't think that's going to happen now. I think maybe moving in with one of those guys is my last resort and hey if they wind up killing me or something oh well it's not like I was ever going to get anywhere else anyways.
Right now everything just seems to lead back to me having to die. There is no way out. I've become a victim of the economy and nobody will help me because I'm just one in a trillion people living on a planet in the middle of a galaxy within a universe within only god knows what.
Who cares about some 18 year old or her hopes and dreams? Realistically nobody does.
There is no meaning to life. Nothing is going to work out. I will die in the end anyways.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
It's easy to start feeling hopeless. You have a point; perhaps life really doesn't have any meaning. After all, all of humanity will be wiped out, eventually. But have you ever considered how... central everything feels to us? How huge all of our problems are? We all have a universe within ourselves, and that is significant, and that is important, and that is worth living for.
I think you will be able to move out soon. You manage to give your mom $550 every month for rent, right? That's pretty much the rent for a cheap studio apartment. You could get a one or two bedroom apartment with some roommates (be careful about where you find them, though!) Do you really need the car? It may be cheaper to use public transport, or if you move to a city, a car is more hassle than worth.
I wouldn't resort to becoming a sugar baby, especially since sex before marriage is against your morals.
What if you decided to attend college (I'm assuming you're not right now)? Perhaps then your family would be more understanding of your financial situation? Or they may allow you to live rent-free if you say you're saving up for college? It's expensive, but you can do 60 hours of community college and save money, earn a scholarship, and reduce your student loans.
I'm sorry that your family isn't being very understanding of your situation. All you can do is keep fighting, strengthen your muscles ;)
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You seem like you're too smart to be content with being someone's arm candy, and that's good. You need self-worth to get through times like this.
The first step is to stop thinking of yourself as a victim. You're not a victim of your mother and you're not a victim of the economy. You have a choice in which direction your life takes. You have employment and you have brains. It's up to you to make your hopes and dreams come true, not the universe!
You're still pretty young, and the boys your age are even younger. Most 18 year old boys aren't going to be looking for a steady, slow, logical relationship. It's not you, it's them. Don't feel down on yourself because they're all idiots. Sooner or later, you'll find someone who is looking for what you are.
As for the hopelessness of moving out: looking at the numbers you've given I would say that there's a lot of wiggle room, believe it or not.
1) Rent
Make sure that you're being given a fair rate for rent in your area. Check out craigslist and see what one bedroom, utilities included goes for. $550 seems awfully high, and you may even save money by moving out. If you're willing to share an apartment, you can save a lot of money.
2) Car
$550 a month is way above what you should be spending on car financing. Either your payment term is too short, the interest rate is exorbitant or you're getting a really nice brand new car. Our lightly used Ford Focus was $12 000, and our payments work out to $230 a month over 5 years, which is totally reasonable. If you can't afford those payments for a car, lowering your standards will go a long way.
3) $70 cell phone bill
This is another place you can pare down. I get that you want data and all that fun stuff, but if you've got to get out on your own, you will need to learn to sacrifice bits and pieces like that. See if you can lower your bill at all: even bringing it down to $50 a month will save you $240 a year!
4) Groceries
If you don't cook, learn how. Start budgeting your grocery bill. At our very most poverty-stricken (2 people living on one part-time income) we were eating on $30 a week. When I was living on my own as a student, my grocery bill came to $25 a week. You can easily build some wiggle room by being thrifty with your grocery money.
All in all, I see where you could free up at least $150 a month. Saved up over a year, that should be enough to split first and last month's rent for a 2 bedroom apartment with another person. It's very doable.
It sucks lowering your standard of living when you strike out on your own, but it teaches you really valuable life skills, and it's really satisfying. It also can give you a little more insight into the path you want your life to take from there. You may want to seek further education to open up your earning capability. There are lots of options out there to examine.
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