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Moving in with girlfriend and her parents very difficult situation.
Okay this is a bit crazy but i need some advice. im 20 and living in Wisconsin currently. My girlfriend however is living in Florida with her family. I was previously living down there but due to some issues with family i had to come home. My girlfriend is 18 and i love her quite dearly. She is the lead singer for a band and has a lot going for her with her career but she wants me to come down there and to move in with her. Now her mother isn't against the idea but her father is a bit of a prick. He's hardly home, he hates to see his daughter happy, he used to beat her, and he is very abusive verbally. He rules the roost if you will and her Mother either cannot or will not influence his decision, whether it is out of fear or respect i do not know. Now she has proposed to them an ultimatum... Either let me fly down there and live with them until i can get enough money to get out of their hair and we will get our own place near by. She has an older brother and a younger sister and loves them and her mom very much. She doesn't wish to leave them or cast them out of her life but she is willing to do just that if they refuse her proposal. She is either going to move up her to be with me and my loving supporting family or i am going to be selling what i can and we are going to get a place down there, but cut off contact with her family. I don't want her to lose her family (except for her father) nor her career by moving up here with me and she doesn't want me selling my stuff to come down to her. Now as far as living with her goes they have a spare bedroom and she would be able to provide for me easily until i get a job (which i pretty much have lined up). So I'm not an extra mouth to feed, I am very respectful and everyone agrees we are absolutely perfect for each other. What can be done to convince her stubborn ass of a father to let me move in??? She has even told him straight to his face don't let him move in with us and you will lose a daughter. She wants to be with me regardless. I need advice on what she can say to her father to convince him or threaten him into letting me move in like the rest of the family wants. So what can be said or done?
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She needs to move out of her parent's home.
Seriously. Whether she comes to you, or you move to her area - She needs to move out. It's not fair of her to expect you to move into a situation where you are unwanted, and you both know is toxic and possibly violent. That is not a good deal for you, or for her.
If her father is toxic and has a history of violence, then she needs to leave. If she's 18 and able to leave, then she should.
She doesn't get to make ultimatums about her adult boyfriend moving into her family home - that's absurd! It's her parents house, she just lives there. Even if she pays rent and contributes she doesn't have that kind of right. If they don't want you (or her dad doesn't want you) then that is the end of the discussion. It doesn't matter whose feeding you - it's not her home to make those sorts of calls in.
It's rather concerning to me, even in light of her father being an awful human being, that she thinks that is a reasonable demand for one child to insist their romantic partner be moved into the family home. It's fine to propose something like that, but if the family says no, that NO must be respected. It's not reasonable or respectful to argue with them. It's emotional blackmail for her to insist she will cut off everyone in her family, because they don't want you moving in. That is totally, and completely the wrong move for her to make. If I were her parents, I would start to have concerns about her relationship with you if she felt that cutting off the supportive and loving members of her family was reasonable. That might suggest to her parents that her relationship with you was unhealthy or controlling.
Stop making this an issue it shouldn't be.
Encourage her to preserve the family bonds that she wants to preserve and not to make demands on the family home that she is not entitled too. It doesn't matter if he dad a dick - she doesn't get to have you live with her in the family home without his approval.
Decide together where the two of you want to live, and then get a place together. Maybe that will take a bit longer, will be more expensive, and will take more planning, but it's the right and sensible way to plan a life together. Trying to rush it by moving into her families spare room is not respectful of her family and it will not contribute to your long term happiness for her go through with this very unfair ultimatum.
The solution that lets her keep contact with her family (to a degree that she desires) and that lets you and she live together is the one where you start planning now on getting your own place together.
Decide where you want to live.
Get the work that you need to get.
Find a place you can afford.
Then move in together.
You can't create short-cuts to being together by making excessive and disrespectful demands of her family. Even if they give in to her it will be worse for you both in the long run for treating them in that way, regardless of if they are good people or bad.
Do it the right way, the healthier way, and the more respectful way, which also might be the slower way.
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