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is it weird for a girl to fear intimacy?
sorry this is super long, i just overflowed... i always come here for my deepest problems. i'd greatly appreciate any help, you don't even know. nobody else but you guys to help me out
I've never felt that close with other people. It's so easy for me to strike up a conversation with anyone, but I'm horrible at maintaining and developing them. Most people I knew throughout school were just varying degrees of acquaintance. It seemed the older I got, the harder it was for me to form close bonds. I had 3-4 best friends in elementary school and that's the most I've ever had.
I just started college, and senior year of high school was hell. High school just got worse and worse for me, and it affected my grades because not having a social outlet made me depressed, cause I'm actually an extrovert who wants to do things with others. But I feel cause of the hurt I experienced it's just hard to let things go.
I don't know what I did wrong to repel people, unless it was just me repelling others. Socially awkward and all, through lack of experiences. many experiences people see as normal, like "hanging out" or "seeing a movie" were huge to me, cause they were extremely rare. and thus, gave me anxiety
I see myself as above average in looks, am a size 8 dress size (mainly cause of my big bum), and friendly to others. It's hard for me to accept help from others or idk.. just get emotionally close. very hard. I'd rather avoid it, even if it ends up hurting me. i doubt friendships, whether they're genuine or not. my family loves me but I want to experience love from someone who didn't have to just cause of blood relations, or we're the same ethnicity.
I criticize myself way more than anyone else.. but at the same time, when I look in the mirror I like how I look. I love my facial features, and would only want to lose some weight, which is achievable. but that's another problem.. being able to commit to long term goals, and not give up without even trying
I don't know, I just feel so conflicted. I've tried seeing a counselor in school but I only visit sporadically.. I don't know why I'm doing so many things against my own best interest, like procrastinating for example, when it's against my dreams. but whats the point of getting my dream career when I can't experience love along the way?
i mean, im human, i have human desires. I've never even been asked out and yet I'd love to be in love and be loved back and you know, the physical stuff that goes with all that. like physical expression of love (and, well, lust). I mean, if I could get with a guy who really got me, and we fell in love, I can say with certainly I'd be kind of a freak..
I just feel like a big weirdo cause it's so easy for other people to maintain friendships and it's a great labor for me. I dont even like talking on the phone, cause maybe I've adapted to it.. but I've always envied people who had lots of friends and did stuff, while I just stayed at home on the computer or reading a book. but i rarely got invited anywhere, especially when i moved to a new town my sophomore year. I even crushed on a guy my senior year but was too afraid to say anything, and now it's all over. never went to homecoming or prom, just to avoid the awkwardness of having nobody to really hang out with. i was never asked to go with anyone, so how could i just show up and spend the night with people i'm not sure wanted to really hang with me?
i just feel like i totally ruined my teen years and its hard to just "get over it". idk why this had to happen and how im supposed to move on and become a better person when other people have experienced far more than I have.. I mean, it's seen as weird to never have gone on a date or anything, and the other friend issues i have..
and it's the most annoying thing when people compliment me for being a virgin (implied, since i've never had a boyfriend), like as if im saving myself or something. um, no, just cause i'm a virgin doesn't mean i'm a prude who rejected tons of offers. i've never been in anything close to love. i've just had crushes at most, stupid attractions that never went anywhere and just caused me pain. i'd gladly lose my virginity to someone i was in love with. i'm christian I guess, but the whole marriage thing isn't a big deal to me. If I lost my virginity to someone I was in love with, I wouldn't regret it, even if the relationship were to end
i guess this is why it's so much easier for me to form friendships online.. cause i can stop talking at any time. but as i've grown older i've found myself distancing more.. and after not talking for months how can i just start resuming talking? many facebook "friends", but who's really a friend? and yet i can't delete people..
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I'm not sure if I have ever answered you before though what you have written does sound like something I have answered before.
Distancing is a safety net we have and we all use to keep from being hurt.
You had friends all through elementary and middle school then suddenly in your sophomore year you are this giant piranha. What happened, you moved to a new town is what happened and the new town dumped you in to a new school at the worst possible time for teenagers. Right in the middle of the biggest changes in their lives.
They and puberty have started to adjust to each other. For girls their bodies are starting to look like they want their bodies to look like. It time to have real social lives. For you all the time you have spent building the network of friends from which to build and grow a social life with has suddenly been jerked out from under you.
You did not say why you moved to a new town. The biggest reason for doing so is dad was transferred to a new location or found a new job. Parents know how disruptful this is to their children's lives but they justify this with the thoughts that children are resilient. For the most part they are with one exception. The awkward years of high school. We fail to realize the years spent building to this point and the meaning it has.
We think the ease at which you made friends all through your school years will happen again; it doesn't. Not because you don't want to but because the others really don't want to let you in. You may be prettier then they are and they don't want the competition. Maybe your smarter as well. It is really hard to make new friends when you're the new kid on the block in high school so out comes the safety net.
But, just you don't hate it when we pull out that word, the field is level again. In college you are all the new kids on the block. For the most part that is. Sure maybe a few of you are friends from high school but for the most part you are all new to each other and you need to form new friendships and circles of influence.
What you need to do is tear down that safety net you took three years building for yourself. It won't be easy at first but I have confidence in the fact that I know you can do it. What you need to do is find some activities where your interests and the others are the same.
To start with you can join study groups. The interest there is of course the subject matter and passing the course. At the very least it gives you some common ground on which to talk to each other and that is an ice breaker. Then look for clubs and activities on campus that are of interest to you. Examples of which would be drama clubs, photo clubs, book clubs, social activism and others. Once again the object is to find common ground on which to have discussions. It is a lot easier to talk with someone when you have a common interest.
When answering other types of question, usually of the sexual nature. I usually include something to the effect that good looks and sex appeal only go so far. One morning you actual will wake up and have to talk to each other. Having common interest lets people know the real you. The person behind the good looks and sex appeal. That is the man who will sweep you off your feet and make a life with you. He will also value your virginity that you have saved for him.
My advice is this. Start looking for activities and clubs that interest you and start joining in them. Start breaking down that wall you have built around you to protect you. I know you can do this once you put your mind to this.
The problem you write about is not weird, it not strange and it is unfortunately not all that uncommon. There are many, boys and girls that have gone through and going through the exact same thing as you; for the same reasons you have. So stand up straight, square your shoulders and go out there and take full advantage of what college life has to offer you.
By the way while you say that from your appearance you are a beautiful person. I can tell from your writing that inwardly as well you are a beautiful person too. The man that finally finds you is going to a very lucky person.
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