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This relationship is dying.......
Although I am sure I'll get a lot of controversy for this, I am a senior in high school and my boyfriend graduated last year. We've been dating for a year. Our relationship has always had ups and downs like any relationship. We have really bad fights, fake break ups, and then make up. Everything is okay in the end.
Lately I've been feeling indifferent about the whole relationship. While he's usually sitting at home and playing videogames all day, I'm at school trying hard to get into college. No matter how hard I try to motivate him, he never seems to want to get a future. I tell him I can't have a future with him if he doesn't try. He says, "I'm trying." He's been saying that for maybe 6+ months now. I don't want to be selfish or inconsiderate, because I know how hard it is to find a job, but I remind him how relatively easy it is to get into college. He never tried his senior year because "it's expensive". I'm dirt poor and so is my family, yet with the right research, I am already applied for college.
Another thing that is getting to me is that he doesn't seem to try in our relationship anymore, either. We go on dates every month or so. He doesn't really go out of his way for me anymore. He drives far to come visit, but he doesn't really ever give me gifts or flowers or anything like he used to. He used to surprise me just because.
I told him he changed, but he says, "No. You have." We fight about it constantly because it makes me feel unloved, and he always puts it back on me, saying I never do anything for him. Okay, I get mad and I am a bit selfish sometimes, but I do a lot for him. I've called several people to get him into college and get him a job. I get him really nice things when I usually don't even have the money for it. I do my best to show him how much he means to me everyday. He doesn't even cuddle with me or kiss me anymore. I barely ever hear "I love you". I only hear it when we fight.
Please help. I just really don't know what to do anymore. This relationship is just dying out so fast...
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I think you should give him time. Stop nagging on him for awhile and see if anything changes. I don't blame you for being that way. If my boyfriend was just sitting around and not going to school, I'd bother him all the time. But nothing really happens when people nag them, it just makes them more upset and push people away.
Give him space and maybe do something nice for him every once in awhile.
I'm assuming you want to make this work with him so that's what I think you should do. If he still isn't working or applied to college, or even treating you better, then maybe it's time for a break.
If anything ever bothers you, don't fight. Fighting ruins people and it's definitely unnecessary. Talk it out. There are a few married couples I know who don't fight at all. They have their disagreements but they take a few minutes away from each other and then talk it out. Your relationship will be stronger without fighting.
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Honestly it sounds to me like this guy is burning out. There are a couple of factors to consider here:
1) He just got out of high school. He probably wants to take a break before diving into college. Statistically speaking, students are far FAR more likely to succeed in college if they take some downtime after high school, while students who dive into college right after high school burn out with an alarming frequency. Point of fact, you may want to take a little time off before you go to college, even if it's just a semester, because like I said, students who jump strait into college after high school suffer a truly alarming burn out rate.
2) It's possible he sees no point in going to college at all at this time. Keep in mind (assuming you're in the USA) we're living in a time when people with masters and doctorates are flipping burgers at fast food restaurants. I have a friend with a Masters of Civil Engineering, and he's working as a stock-boy at Save Mart. And while it's true that people with college degrees are likely to earn a million dollars more in their lifetimes, those statistics are taken from over a 50 year period, and do not factor in the current explosive deflation of the value of education. Yes it will pick back up, but for now, a college degree isn't worth the paper it's printed on, in fact a college degree, on average, costs as much as a house; so in the current economic climate, students graduate college already in enough debt that they could have purchased a home, with no way to pay it back because the job market is non existent. That fact is probably scaring the hell out of him. Don't take my word for it, do some independent research on the current situation with college graduates. It's very eye opening.
3) Pressuring your partner will do you no good. In fact, it will drive him further away. You're young and the race is long, you have to take time to goof off and relax a bit. If you don't, you'll end up a strung out stress addict. Taking the time to stop, think and plan your next move in life is far, far better than rushing at life head on. That's why architects can take years planning a building; it's better to plan smart now than rush to compete.
4) All relationships go through a similar period to what you're describing, where one (usually both) parties stop trying to woo the other. Usually this happens after marriage, so I'm not sure that's what's happening with you two, but it's worth considering. You admit you're sometimes a little selfish, maybe you should conciser taking HIM out on a date or initiating some couple-ey type activity yourself.
I was actually in the same position as you 15 years ago. My boyfriend had lost his job and stopped taking his college classes. Rather than let him sort out his life at his own pace while he was collecting unemployment benefits, I rode his ass hard to get a job or go back to college. My mother was telling me that he was ruining his life by taking his time, that he was being lazy and just didn't want to be responsible, and rather than trust him to be the man I knew he was, I started pressuring him. He responded by getting a job. In San Diego, 8 hours from me because that was the first company to respond to his job searches. That job allowed him the time he needed to sort out what he wanted to do with his life, and now he's a successful chef with a loving family, that doesn't include me.
Ultimately my advice is to back off and let him work out whatever he needs to work out. Don't stop trying to be affectionate, just stop pressuring him and just be there for him. Even though it feels like it, and they tell you in high school that there is a huge rush, trust me, there really isn't, and it's not worth losing a long term relationship by pressuring him in this economic climate.
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When you invest time into someone,and they treat you with love and show you affection that you never felt before you get accustomed to that. Then one day they change it hurts. You tried to make it work you gave it your best. I think that.you should leave. It hurts I know right now but your not happy and you can't change anyone that doesn't want.to be changed. You love him enough to stay but you got to love yourself enough to.leave. it isn't easy but stay foucused on school and go after your dreams. I hope everything works out for you
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