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New relationship, old issues?
I've been seeing a new guy for about 3 weeks and we recently decided to make the relationship exclusive. I usually don't move that fast, but I feel a strong connection to him and we seem to be very compatible.
Here's the thing: I cheated in my last relationship. We were apart for the last year of an almost 7 year relationship, and it was during that time that I cheated. I was a mess at the time, had serious commitment issues, had some major life changes coming up that I didn't know how to deal with, was afraid that I wouldn't be able to face these new challenges, and lost myself and my morals completely. None of these justifies what I did, but that was my state of mind. I screwed up, big time. The past year I've stayed single and have been working on myself - gone to counseling, focused on getting the other areas of my life in order. I'm in a better place now; I have tremendous guilt and remorse for what I did and I could never hurt someone so deeply ever again. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" does not apply here - through the past year I have fundamentally changed my behaviors and attitudes; I have taken my experience and learned from it.
I think I need to tell my new boyfriend that I've cheated in the past, and explain what I've explained above in a little more detail. I want this relationship to be grounded in honesty and trust right from the beginning. But when should I tell him? If I do it now, is it too much, too soon? If I do it later, will he be hurt that I didn't tell him sooner? If you disagree with me and think I shouldn't tell him, why do you think so?
Any help would be much appreciated, thanks!
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I think you could justifiably say YOU are rooted in honesty. You've been totally honest with yourself. Acknowledged and fully examined your motives, sought answers, found them and learned a lot about yourself in the process. The act of telling your boyfriend will satisfy your own need to 'get it all off your chest'. And pile it all on HIS shoulders mate! It was your bad judgement, you are the only one who should carry it. And of course, telling him will not in itself do anything at all to prevent you from doing it again. That is a day-by-day process, an on-going series of little victories. Seeing the whole battle as 'already won' is the biggest trap waiting for us after the soul-searching and counselling. So keep the act and the unhappiness it caused to yourself. Move forwards, taking the lessons of the past with you, as you have stated as your intent. No, our behaviour and character are rarely written in stone...but changing them is about more than simply saying 'I've changed.'A good deal of your question regards how the decision will affect him...I'd say that's a very clear sign you're on the right path. Good luck with the new relationship!
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Hi there - your question is very deep. I don't view you as a "cheater".
Ask yourself the following question: If you were in your boyfriend's shoes would you want to know?
For me personally, what happened in a previous relationship was a symptom of a bigger problem. Forgive the analogy - a sore throat due to laryngitis.
Now, if you were married and cheated then I would say you definitely need to tell your new boyfriend. But you were in a 7 year relationship - apart for the last year of it - (sounds like you were either separated or on a break) and to me it doesn't sound like you cheated. Only you know if you cheated (in your heart). Also - I don't want to assume your gender or sexual preference. I don't judge.
If you had a PATTERN of cheating in ALL of your past relationships, then that also would justify telling him.
It sounds like you have "rehabilitated" and that's important - counseling is great - you get perspective. What has your therapist advised you? Maybe see them since they know you (have a history of talking to you professionally).
You said it yourself: "I have tremendous guilt and remorse for what I did and I could never hurt someone so deeply ever again."
You haven't done anything to the new boyfriend.
Has your ex forgiven you? Have you asked him for forgiveness? Is there a possibility that by sharing this information with the new boyfriend you think that it may release you from feeling the guilt of the past?? The only person that can release you from that feeling of guilt is the ex and then you need to forgive yourself.
To err is human.
Everyone makes mistakes - it's not repeating them that is more important.
Good luck !! :)
p.s. hope I helped a little !!!
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