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Trouble coping with it and not being sure what to call it. [long story!]
26/f
First of all, I am a desperate woman people.
Seriously, desperate.
You have no idea of the high level of desperation i find myself in. If I post this, there is a dangerously high chance someone will recognize it and know that its about me. If I dont I might actually go ape on myself. Yes, I am now fiercely camouflaging my actual doubt and desperation with humor.
About two years ago I found the love of my life. He is my first love, my first boyfriend, and I love him deerly. Let this be known, LOVE HIM -very important detail for rest of story-.
Even though I am a very socially flawed person and I probably should talk to a professional for various reasons, he wanted me to be his first girlfriend. Note that we are not in high-school so its all a little more serious than puppylove. Despite my flaws, I would describe myself as a loyal friend, who tends to neglect herself a little bit when it comes to friends and family. People have taking advantage of that, I've been bullied a lot at school blablabla insecure yadiyadah you get the point. - this may seem very much but trust me it is poignant - I have a very good relationship with my dad who had me at 57. He's been married 3 times before my mom and has been cheated on by all previous wives and I have wished them dead on more than one occasion for that.
One day my boyfriends best friend threw a new years bash at her place. There was a fancy dress code involved and I reluctantly pressed myself into a dress and heels and tried to look well..presentable. As I mentioned I am socially awkward and I get nervous around new people. For some insane reason I decided a little wine (or vodka, tequila and maybe some malibu) was a good way to get loose and socialize. There was this one guy - yep, here we go! - who I thought was always nice to me, treated me like I was used to being treated before I got a boyfriend, as one of the guys. So I generally talked with him and goofed around a bit. Now, at this point I was a little drunk. I do not remember a thing about this but people told me afterwards that I was getting emotional so I had to go outside for a bit. He, allegedly, followed me outside and the bastard tried to kiss me while my boyfriend, HIS best friend, was inside!
I really dont remember this, from the bottom of my heart, theres nothing whatsoever in my brain that says: hey, you did this.
But he got caught by someone, who then told him not to hit on his best friends girlfriend and that he was being an arse for trying to kiss a drunk girl (this is aalll hear-say, I really dont know anything about this). Strangely though, it did not occur to him to HELP ME GET SOBER or TELL ME TO GO HOME. But this is something that I would have done. Not everyone gives a fuck (yes, I blame this guy a little bit too). My boyfriend was oblivious to all this as he, too, was intoxicated greatly. I guess I managed to get a grip and ask him to bring me home crying and sobbing and mascara-ing all over his shirt. I remember a toilet - him holding my hair - and being put to bed.
This is my memory so far. Nothing more. Had it been more, I would have told you (this to avoid questions).
The guy who tried to kiss me at the party followed us, because he was tired too. This, in my state, I did not realize. My boyfriend still didnt know he tried to grope me at the party, so naturally he left a little aggravated about my drunken behavior, and went back to the party. I fell into a coma only to wake up with someone on top of me feeling me up. I, still drunk as hell as it was probably a 2hour coma, made the stupid assumption that it was my boyfriend. Naturally I started doing a little touchy feely kissy of my own only to come to the conclusion that it was not my boyfriend, but that it was that gross perv of a best friend of his trying to sex me. I dont know why, had I not been drunk I am SURE, SURE SURE, I would have performed a very nasty castration. But I wasnt. And so I just laughed. Laughed it off. He told me things like that he was hot for me, and he wanted me blahblahblah. I just laughed and asked him what he was doing and why he was doing it and i remember just being very casual about it. As if he had just dropped a mug during a hurricane or something, it just didnt seem like a big deal. More like hilarious? I dont get myself on this. One thing I remember very distinctly though: that I REALLY wanted my boyfriend to come home at that point. I called him and he came home, found me happy and bouncy and I have no clue why I was. I just was. There's another gap as to what happened between calling him and him coming home. I was happy to see him, and I wanted to hold him and go back to sleep.
The next morning I had THE biggest WTF moment anyone ever had on this earth. I didnt know what happened I just knew something bad happened and it involved my boyfriends best friend. Who was freaking sleeping in the room. I really didnt have to think about telling my boyfriend or not, I knew I had to. It was a horrible moment. Before I had even mentioned his best friends name I could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what had happened. Turns out that guy always had been a big pervy arsehole. He just gets away with it. When he woke up he acted, or not I dont know, like he was surprised and he couldn't remember a thing. He uttered some apologies and another friend who was there also advised him to leave. When everyone was gone it was disastrous. I was crying, he was crying hysterically. You do not want to hear a guy cry like that, trust me. My heart broke into a thousand pieces because I knew I was responsible for it. He believed me without question though, and for that I am so thankful.
I felt so guilty, I really hated myself for drinking that much. I knew that if I hadnt, this wouldnt have happened. I would never do something like this, its just not in my capacity. His friends all think im a slut, probably. Even though its been so long I still feel so bad. I really dont want to ever meet this guy. And I didn't have to until a few weeks ago, when I heard he's going to be at a party I really wanted to go to with my boyfriend at a friends house. I cant really talk to anyone, I tried one time with a friend of his but she totally fucked me over on that and now I'm just afraid to bring it up. Meanwhile, my boyfriend still hangs out with this dude as he is "part of the click". He did tell me that he prefers not to be alone with him, and that he would never invite him to any social event he hosts. I believe him, though it took me some time as I could never, ever forgive someone for pulling shit like that. At this party, I know my boyfriend is going to be civil, or worse, nice with this guy. For the group. If I go, I will probably have to sit there and see people be nice to this kid, my boyfriend joking around with him. I dont think I can handle that. Its just wrong. I have been deserted by friends I had for a loooong time for a LOT less. Why is that little shit still being accepted?
Bottom line: is this considered, and this word makes me cringe, something like rape? Involuntary sexual encounter? Or whatever? Have I done something to instigate this? I’ve been invisible to most guys all my life. I don’t know what flirting is, hence the conclusion that I must be too socially inept to grasp these basic forms of communication. My boyfriend seems to be completely over it. He loves me, he tells me all the time. I’m good to him. But whenever there’s a party invite, I have to ask him: Is..HE coming? And whenever this occurs I re-live all of the drama. I have nightmares again, I cant sleep. I feel horrible. I just feel all this guilt. Could it be that I have done something unfaithful but just cant remember it? It seems so unlikely. Im really starting to doubt myself. I don’t feel like the person I was before, like suddenly Im just like the girl that your mom tells you to stay away from. Because I feel like an asshole, I start to neglect myself even more in the relationship, with little things. Paying for his drinks, movies and stuff while I really don’t have the means for it. But I do. Because I feel I have to. I’m sorry its so long, I guess I had a little venting to do also..I’ll probably regret posting this at one point, but some genuine input would be greatly appreciated.
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You were absolutely raped. This guy has taken so much from you. You never gave him consent. You were drunk. You may be socially inept and maybe even a little insecure, but you know in your heart of hearts that, even though it makes you cringe and you may never have thought it could happen to you, that you were sexually assaulted. You need to get help. Talk to a counselor or a therapist or call a hotline. You didn't do anything wrong at all and you don't deserve to be feeling all of this pain. You should be upset that your boyfriend is still friends with this guy. That's really awful. You should be taking him to court over what he did and here your boyfriend is palling around with him. That's just not acceptable. My advice to you would be to call a hotline for advice. You need to talk to someone that has a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I really think that you should have this guy arrested and that you should start seeing someone to try to heal from all of this. Definitely talk to some sort of professional. You can't just let this go. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. This guy is a predator and he can't be allowed to do this to anyone else ever again. There's actually an "online hotline" which may be easier than making a call. You can find a link to it from this website: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location). I know I'd feel a lot more comfortable talking to someone online than having to speak on the phone, I'm a bit socially awkward too. The number for the hotline is 1-800-656-4673 if you'd rather call. This could really, really help you. Try contacting someone and see where things go. Do this for yourself because you're worth it. I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately, in order to heal, it may take just a little push from yourself to make that first contact. You can do it and you can get through this. You say you're socially awkward, but you're actually really articulate and likable from what you've written here. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that guy rots.
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Hello,
I have one issue with this question, "...because I knew I was responsible for it".
That part. I don't know why you're blaming yourself. Well, I think I do. Is it because you were so drunk, you're not sure if you led him on, or said "yes" or whatever?
Regardless, this is not your fault. When he tried to kiss you, you said no. THAT was when he should have gotten the message. That may be excusable. It certainly was not moral behavior, but maybe somehow he got the impression that you wanted to kiss him. Like I remember watching a movie once. The girl was drunk. She leans in, guy things she wants to kiss, but instead she vomits all over him. HILARIOUS!
But back to the serious business. When you woke up, and you found him on top of you, that WAS rape. You had already told him that you didn't want to kiss him. Instead, he was on top of you. And you had passed out.
Even if before you passed out, you said "yes" to sex (or fooling around. And I doubt you did), if you woke up with him on top of you AGAIN, it's still rape. He has to get consent every time.
But more technically, what was he doing with you? Because different countries class rape as different things. Some only see it as rape if the mans penis enters the vagina without consent. Others see if it any body part enters.
But it's clear he was TRYING to rape you. He was taking advantage of your state.
Now regarding your boyfriend, I'm not so sure why he is relaxed about seeing him. Maybe it's because he thought you were over it (because you were bouncy afterwards?). Either way, you should speak to him and tell him how you feel. It is not completely outrageous for you to ask him not to speak to him. If it hurts you to see him being friendly with the fellow, then tell him.
What should you do now? Well I suggest calling RAINN - a free, anonymous hotline for victims of rape. They will be able to speak to you personally, and give you advice. If you're uncomfortable, then it looks like they also have an online chat system, which is pretty useful.
Here is a link to the site: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
and their number: 1-800-656-HOPE
I suggest you contact them as soon as possible!
Now, my final thoughts. You shouldn't blame yourself. So often, the victim of rape is blamed. Like, if a girl is dressed showing "skin", and she is raped. People sometimes say "the girl should't have been showing skin..." ....THE HELL IS THAT?! Why shouldn't the girl wear what she wants?! Surely it's the CRIMINAL who should be punished, not the victim. And what is worse, is when the woman isn't believed. Every case of rape should be FULLY investigated.
But I think you should stop blaming yourself. The fellow is clearly a jerk, and that's not your fault.
Good luck, and I hope I helped! :)
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