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Wife and I argue all the time
My wife and I have been married for over 14 years and have three sons. For about the past 2-3 years our relationship has been strained at best. We go through a cycle of fighting with each other, make up and then the next week start all over again! I travel for my job, so I am gone quite a bitof the time.
I get frustrated with her because I want to have sex when I come home, and most nights she says she is too tired. She doesn't like me touching her because she says my hands are too hot. Cuddling together is also nonexistant. Her always rejecting me is making me feel very unimportant and unloved by her. I have tried to add dirty talk, and even suggested some role play to spice up things, both of which she doesn't like. We have sex about 1-2 times in a two week period.
I have always been a bit of a health nut and exercise quite a bit. Recently I have tried to get her interested in running with me and my oldest son to train for a 10K. Of course she doesn't want anything to do with that. She is extremely overweight and lives in front of the TV when home. I have threatened to disconnect the cable, and you would have thought I was going to make her go without air to breath. I have grown to loathe television and that all it stands for.
If I try to say anything about her food choices or habitial soda drinking, I am a nagging husband. She has a very high probability of developing colon cancer because of genetic abonormality, which is why I want her to take better care of herself. She has gained about 140lbs since we first met.
Four years ago, I became a vegan and my family is not. This has created conflict in our family as well. My wife still goes out and buys lots of meat, dairy, and lots of sugary foods. If I object, a fight ensues with my wife, who does all the grocery shopping.
When she 7 years old, she was raped and sodemized multiple times over a several year by this sleeze ball next door neighbor, who was 15 at the begining. Her sister decided to go to the police and an investaigation ensued, and a trial, and sentencing, which is still going on. Most of the change in her can be traced back to the begining of the investigation. Needless to say bringing up all these old memories and having to see this guy in person in court has really been a difficult experience to go through even though she hadn't seen him in 25 years. I told her I think that she should go talk with a counselor, but she refuses to go because she feels she can handle it on her own.
Our marriage is really having trouble and I don't know quite what to do about it. We don't seem to have much intimacy in our marriage and don't talk to each other like we used to. If some things don't change in our marriage, I don't know if we are going to make it another 14 years, and I feel like it is my boys who are going to suffer.
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The other two advisers came at you from one direction, I'm going to try to come at you from another direction.
There is a lot going on here. There is by your own admission the traveling for your job. Then there is the rape as a child. These are the two biggest factors in all that you have written about.
You change in diet is an added burden that you can help with by doing your own shopping and helping with the cooking when you are home to eat with the family. While you shouldn't force your diet on any other children you can by asking them to help in preparing your meal lead them into at least drying your diet. Asking your wife to prepare two separate meal is a bit much when you have 3 boys to feed. So I suggest you help out in the kitchen when you get home.
Your shopping for and preparing your own meals may go along way in getting more attention in the bedroom as well. But in the grans scheme of things this is a 5 on a scale of 10.
The Rape is the most important thing to address with her as I agree with you. I don't think she is handling things well. There is an organization I would like you to call and try to get your wife to speak to them as well. Their expertise in these matters far exceeds mine and I believe they can help.
The name of the organization is RAINN; which stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They operate a 24/7 hotline you can call for help in dealing with her problem. They will help you find experts in you community that can help her and you deal with this. Their number is 1-800-656-HOPE. Speak with the people who answer the phones and tell them about what happened to her. The biggest problem is getting her to ask for help. This is a situation of leading a horse to water. You can do that, but you can't make them drink. I believe the people at RAINN can help you find a way to get your wife to try sipping the water.
I too traveled for my job. I was fortunate that I lived in the geographic center of the area I was responsible for. I was I Sales Manager so I was able to arrange my travel so that I was home more than I was away. I don't know if you can do as I did. If you can that could be a big part of fixing some of the problem.
Your wife being overweight. If I were a psychologist, which I'm not, I would say that it is because of the different problems and challenges your wife has. The biggest of them is not properly dealing with the rape. This has lowered her self-esteem. As much as you or I would like to help her we are not qualified to do so. So please call the hotline I gave you and talk to them about ways of getting help for your wife.
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I think you're looking at this situation from the 'wrong' angle; swap sodes and try it from your wife's side for a short while.
You go away a lot to work leaving her with 3 growing boys, who are possibly going through puberty, with all of its emotional possibilities.
The only things she can control in her life are her diet and how she relaxes. Both of these have probably changed massively since you were married.
When you come home, you pick up on her eating habits and her gain in weight and mention it casually, also suggesting she might try running with you and your son.
From her point of view these are not just casual suggestions, they are broadside attacks on her as a person. All this, an emotional roller-coaster ride of a court case and requests for sex too - its a wonder you talk at all!
Go back to your courting days; did you expect sex to be a 'right', because you were there?
Probably not. You hoped it would happen and enjoyed it if it did, but you didn't take it for granted.
You could try arranging for the boys to stay with family, book a nice holiday somewhere she'd like to go and try courting her again. Don't push for sex, it should happen naturally when she's ready. If she suspects that's what you're after, she'll resent you for it. Treat her like a princess, make her laugh, apologise for being so busy that you've lost sight of each other lately, compliment her when she looks lovely, admire the way she does her hair, nails or make-up; in short treat her like a girlfriend you really want to hold onto because you love her and have too many years of love and life behind you to lose her over something so basic.
Really hope this helps, let me know how you get on? Best wishes X.
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You touch on various points, so I'll address them separately:
1. In regards to sex, you have to realise that your wife isn't there just to have sex with you. You can't expect her to 'be ready' whenever you come home. Especially with her past, it must be very uncomfortable for her, to be intimate with someone.
2. In regards to food, often, the reason people stay away from healthy food is because they thing it tastes dull. People don't know how to cook healthy food is the problem. When I first started 'eating healthy' , I remember the boiled to death brocolli, and the dry chicken breasts I endured. But then, I started finding new recipes to make the food taste better. My advice? Why do you not cook dinner for the whole family on day of the week? That way, you can test the water with them, and how able they are to make the transition. Or even one day of the week where the whole family is vegan would be good.
3. You need to explain that you are not nagging, but instead just want her to live as long as possible, so you can both enjoy life together. If you have to, ask her to go to the doctors for a check up. It is much more likely to sink in if it comes from an independent, medically trained professional.
May I also suggest convincing her to go to therapy with a professional? She has obviously had a very tough life, and so professional help may be needed. There may be other reasons for her behavior. Marriage counselling should also be an option if you feel that you cannot communicate with her. They can help with the strain in your relationship.
Hope I helped! Good luck!
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