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I'm not sure what's going on anymore, I just know I care.
Four years ago, I met this guy through a friend and we started going out. Three months later he cheated on me, but by that time we already had so many of the same friends it was impossible not to run into each other. Over the years we have become the best of friends. There is no one in the entire world that means more to me than this person, and he says he feels the same as I do.
Over the course of our friendship it has become increasingly clear that he's a manic depressive. It has also become clear to me over the last year and a half that I still have romantic feelings for him. Because we share everything, and I needed to know if there was a chance for us, I told him how I felt about a year ago. We continued our friendship, but things got way more intense until I told him I needed some sort of commitment. At a bonfire, he took me aside and told me that I meant too much to him to lose, and he thought we should try to be together. Then he kissed me. That was however, on an upswing of his depression, and with every down cycle he acted like nothing had happened and we were just best friends. I was weak, and I didn't want to lose him, so I just went with whatever mood he was in in the moment, from adoring partner to buddy buddy. I loved him so much, I thought if I could show him that I loved him no matter what, maybe he could love himself just enough to get help. That's when the awkward spending the night started. He started sleeping over, holding me, caressing me more, telling me all the things I knew he felt, just cuddling on the couch watching our favorite movies and being together, but whenever it got too sexual, he would either make an excuse to leave or (and I'm positive this is what he was doing) go to the bathroom and masturbate, leaving me high and dry as he drifted off to sleep satisfied. I finally had enough and told him I needed, wanted, deserved the title of girlfriend. He told me he just wasn't mentally stable enough to give that to me, and that he didn't want to hurt me because I mean so much to him. Things continued as they had. I didn't know what else to do. He blamed all of his issues on his ex girlfriend who cheated on him constantly and eventually left him for a woman, but he started having casual sex with other girls and hiding it from me, which I equated to the pain of cheating but he rationalized as fine because we didn't have a title and weren't having sex. I fully believe he was doing this as a way to fulfill himself sexually while trying and avoid the pain losing me would cause if we tried at a relationship and failed. Then, I was leaving for a week for a graduate residency, and came home to find him sitting outside my house. He took me upstairs and told me everything I'd been wanting to hear, that he felt the same way I felt about him, that he was afraid of hurting me with his depression, and that he wanted to try. Then, he kissed me like I always wanted him to kiss me, like he was present, like he was in the moment with me, and it broke my heart to have to leave for the week, but he promised he'd come down the last day for the giant banquet we have, and I was pretty much walking on the moon. This lasted for three days. Then, he didn't show up for the banquet, and when I brought up everything he said to me the day he was waiting at my house, he literally said he didn't remember any of it or the three days that followed. I was crushed. I'm still crushed, but I thought he was just scared, that if he could have that moment of clarity once, he could have it again if we worked on his mental health together. Things went back to the friends with conditional benefits thing, but every time he left me, I started to feel this frantic need to be with him, to somehow tie him to me with some permanence, even though I knew he'd gone back to having casual sex with other girls. I felt like he was slipping away more and more, but at the same time we had never been closer. The girls were the same as the booze and the weed he'd been self medicating with for years, I knew they were a quick high and i meant something more to him, but I wanted him to take me of the pedestal he put me on and just be with me in the real world, not some world where I was a perfect relationship he couldn't have while he was sick. Last month, I finally got up the courage to have another talk about what I need out of whatever we have, and he told me he still wasn't ready for a relationship (even though, despite the lack of sex, that's exactly what we've been in), but that he sometimes felt about me the same way I felt about him, "that we were made for each other, that we belong together". I tried to take it all with a grain of salt. He really is sick, and he really does care about me, and I can understand why he wouldn't want to hurt me. We made plans to go to the fourth of July fireworks three days later, and the entire day he acted strange. We were supposed to drink and watch movies in bed for the rest of the night, but he said he had somewhere else he needed to be. I was absolutely livid when I saw the bite mark he tried to hide on his neck, and told him to take me home. I'd had enough. After he dropped me off, he sent me a text that simply said, "I've met someone". I asked him to come back to my house so we could talk about it, and he said no. I told him he better get to a phone then, because I needed to talk to him. I called him and asked him how he could do this to me after everything we were to each other, and he told me nothing would change between us. I told him there was no way I could be with him if he were giving himself emotionally to someone else, and he told me I was being selfish, that what we had was too important to throw away over someone he was probably only going to date for a month or two. I told him there was no way I could stay with him and he hung up on me. A few days later, he sent me a msg saying that he understood, and if being apart was what I needed he would try to respect it because of how much I meant to him. I few days later, my room mate noticed him driving past our house. I've seen him doing it a few times since then too, and it just tears me apart. After a month of no contact, he sent me a msg saying we needed to talk. I didn't want to. Nothing had changed, and that's what I msg'd back. He started cursing at me and told me I was being selfish, and that I was a horrible person to leave him alone like that, and that no one had ever hurt him as much as me. I don't understand this. He is the one who didn't want me. All I ever wanted was to be with him, to have some sort of recognition that I mattered, that I was as important to him as he said I was. Yesterday, I finally said we could have that talk, and he came over. I told him everything I said here and how it had made me feel, why I had to have space for a while, why I still need space. He told me I don't love him, that I'm obsessed with him, and any feelings he had for me are gone, but he still wants me in his life, that I'm still his best friend. I am completely lost. I don't know what to do. I'm not obsessed with him, I'm trying to figure out why someone who so clearly loves me would be afraid enough to risk losing me over being honest. He still denies that he came over and told me he loved me, he has completely switched from rationalizing that he can't love me because of his ex to he never loved me and I'm the one with the problem, and the worst thing is, he's so damn considerate about it all, it makes me feel like I'm the one who's lost touch with reality, but I'm not the one with missing bits of time, with blocked memories, who breaks down every time we're alone and tells me he thinks he's lost his mind, that I deserve better. He is my best friend. I want to see him well, but how can I continue to help him with his mental issues, if he's going to lie and change his perception of our reality whenever it's convenient? Now, especially because he says he's in love with this girl the way he was in love with me, that he doesn't know if he should be with her because she deserves better. To hear him say exactly what he always said to me about someone else is like a knife in my chest, and even more so because he was able to commit to her three days after he told me he thought he and I might belong together but he couldn't commit to me. I'm completely broken. As much as I am his rock, he is mine. He is the person who knows everything about me, who knows exactly what I need when I'm hurting, exactly what to say to make me smile, exactly I'm thinking at any given moment in the day, but is that worth always being held at arms length? Is it worth always feeling like I'm being lied to about my own relationship? The girl he's with now reminds me of me when we first met. Is our friendship worth watching him make the same mistakes with her he made with me because he won't get help? Or, even worse, what if he doesn't make mistakes with her? What if she's just enough for him to finally be happy? Could I stand watching that either? He is my family. I feel like I've been served divorce papers for a marriage that never happened. Someone help me figure this out. Please.
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He has a weird way of thinking, I think he's not only manic depression he has anxiety and trust issues. I said before in my last answer that patience is only needed when necessary, in this case it's necessary if and only you're willing to wait, this isn't a matter of you loving him, or him loving you. This is a matter of him coping with his head, and there's no rushing into that cause he's used to thinking the way he thinks and getting the way he gets. If you're to stay by his side through the ups and the downs I'm sure he'll see you through, but listen to him when he says he doesn't want to hurt you, he's saying that for a reason. He's legit no mentally stable, he's hurting himself, and if you're to get tangled in that he'll be hurting you too, just be patient, when the time comes shit will pop. And last but not least enjoy the time you have with him, boyfriend or not you guys have each other on a personal level and that's all that matters.
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I don't doubt that this guy is mentally ill and that's playing a large role in all these problems, but I also do not doubt that this guy is a legitimate asshole, and that's a character flaw that is separate from the manic depression.
Until he actually makes the effort to get better by seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist, this crap is just going to repeat itself over and over. give him the ultimatum and then cut your losses.
Additionally, you yourself would probably find great value in therapy to figure out why your self-value is low enough that you'd tolerate this for so long. It would give you a refreshing perspective on this situation and your life as a whole.
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It's clear that you both are on different chapters, unfortunately he hasn't exactly caught up too the level are maturity you are seeking in a partner. This kid has some personal issues he needs to sort out and he needs to do that when he is ready. Also, If you both have known one another for a good chunk of time and he hasn't got help yet then it may not be anytime soon he finally realizes his life may possibly be a bit out of control.
You have feelings for him but he tends to lead you on a bit by stating he can't loose you but remaining friends. It's clear he doesn't want a relationship with you, Least not a serious one.
Your best bet is too focus on you, Do what you need to do for yourself and don't let someone hold you back. This person is holding you back because you have feelings for him but he just isn't wanting anything serious right now. The best thing I can possibly tell you is to maybe back off a bit, You can still remain friends but there also needs to be boundaries for your own sake and well being. If you devote all your time into him while he doesn't want to help himself you are going to make this situation dreadful and you will never move on from it.
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