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Pressure to Get Married Soon. What Should I Do?
Okay, I know this is way stupid, but long story short, I have a bunch of aunts, cousins, and friends who expected me to get married before my older sister Anna after a four year long relationship of hers ended. I have to admit that I wanted the same thing mainly because I get SICK of my parents only talking about Anna's wedding and my dad telling people how hard it was going to be to give Anna away. Last summer I told these other relatives that I was getting married, but didn't know when and some told me that wanted it to be before Anna did so my parents would have to talk about my wedding for a change. About a year ago Anna started dating a guy named Matthew who she believes is going to propose to her around Christmas, which is surely before my boyfriend and I will be ready. I thought I would have been bummed out if she got married before me, but I'm not. I love Matthew and he is the first decent boyfriend of my sister's that I feel is a good match for her. I hated the last guy she had a long term relationship with and thought she was going to marry and I'm super happy for her for finding a new, good guy who she loves and wants to start a life with. I'm excited for her to get married and even though a little part of me wishes I would have been first, the bigger part is glad that the pressure is off of me and I can get married when I'm ready now. The thing is, I know my family well enough to know that they'll try to pile the pressure on me more than ever know and I don't know if I can take it. I've been suffering from anxiety lately and can't take any more stess in my life. What can I tell my family?
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flare is right in what she said. Let me see if I can make a little more sense of this for you. I'll try to tie this all together at the end.
If you are old enough to marry you no longer have the prime responsibility of pleasing your parents and family. When we are children are responsibility includes pleasing our parents by getting good grades in school and behaving as they teach us. As adults are prime responsibility is to please ourselves by making a life for ourselves that pleases us.
I understand your families desire that you be in the spotlight for a change. You should be you are one of their children as well. What I don't understand is the need to rush into something before either of you have found the right person. For when the time comes, regardless of who marries first; should not the focus of attention be on the person who's wedding is coming up.
As a parent and all most a grandparent I can say that first born children always have a special place in their parents lives. Their the ones that came into our lives first. The ones we make all the mistakes with. By the time our other children come to be we are seasoned veterans; hence your fathers statement.
Now with boy, boys will always be boys who fathers want to watch grow into men and have their own families. With girls it is different. Be they first born or last born a daughter will always be daddy's little girl; even when she is all grown up and has a family of her own.
What I'm saying is that I doubt your parents love you any less than they love your sister. In some families and cultures the eldest must marry before the youngest siblings can marry. This may not be the case with your parents or it may be but they are not being up front about it. Something you need to find out.
My advice to you is not to rush into something, anything, just to please others. That part of your life is behind you. You are now old enough to make your own decisions about what you want from life and when you want to obtain it. When we are forced to do something we don't want or before it's time whatever it almost always ends in disaster. So stick to your guns and wait until you have what is right for you.
As for the anxiety and stress you are suffering. This is not good. I suggest you talk to your doctor about this. There are medications that can be prescribed and even talk therapy with a good therapist that can help you through this. To much stress and anxiety can have physical repercussions you do not need So see your doctor for help.
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You need to tell your family the truth. Families and weddings shouldn't be bound by politics of who is first and the such. They are about love.
If you rush into a marriage, it will never last. Like what if you sister rushed in with that jerk? They they would have been in a messy marriage with even messier divorces, etc.
Explain that you will get married when you are ready, and the stress doesn't help, but hinders the situation.
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