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Immaturity
22/f. I have asked similar questions before, however, I am attempting to ask another, because it isn’t exactly the same. My other questions have dealt with particular instances, this one deals more with the whole issue. Ever since I can remember, no one has ever held my mother accountable for her actions. She could do the worse things possible and everyone will always defend her. I am not even exaggerating. This notion that she does nothing wrong is inside of my family only. When those outside my family see how she treats me, they cannot believe their eyes and get angry and upset at the things that the rest of my family does to me as well.
My mom chooses to be angry with me upon her own personal feelings. “Today, I feel like getting mad.” Not, “I’m upset with you because you hurt me and did something terribly wrong.” For one, my mother has decided to treat me like I am a criminal. She treats anyone who is not “like her” this way. For instance, I am not into fashion. I am into my appearance and I am into cosmetics and into clothing. But not fashion, per se, like runway shows and stuff like that. Because of this, my mother decides to tell me that I am ugly and that I am disgusting. Every day for the past year or so I have heard “you’re disgusting,” because I refuse to wear heels to school. I am 5 feet tall and she calls me a midget. She says “Why don’t you wear heels, you’re a midget!” She does not say this in a joking way, she is serious. When I watch TV in the afternoon, she says “Who does that? You’re so stupid.” She forbid me from watching TV in the house during the day because she says it reminds her of the hospital. So, I go somewhere else in the afternoon so she won’t have to put up with me and she say’s “who watches TV in the afternoon, you’re so stupid!...” Again.
To make matters worse, she looks like an angel next to the rest of my family. My aunt constantly reminds me that I am adopted and should be privileged to be a part of this family (I was adopted when I was a day old), and my grandmother is constantly telling me that I can’t get mad at my mom because her nerves are too bad. Yesterday, she was super angry at me because I went to go watch TV in the afternoon at my boyfriend’s house (with his parents). She criticizes brunettes all the time. I guess she thinks she’s naturally blonde. She says she hates dark hair. My hair is naturally brown and she makes me dye it blonde. She says that brunettes are “on the dark side.” Again… just because it’s what she’s not. Fashion, brown hair, and watching TV in the afternoon. If you don’t have it the way she wants it, apparently you’re a terrible person.
I’m tired of being treated this way only because of my natural hair color, the way I dress, and the activities I choose to participate in, which do not go against the values of my faith or my family. I am tired of my family defending her and not holding her accountable for her actions. If a FIVE YEAR OLD talks that way to another five year old in his/her kindergarten class, it is considered bullying and is disciplined. How can a 53 year old woman not be held accountable for her actions when a five year old can be for the same things? Except, this is far more serious because she KNOWS what she is doing. I told her that I apologized if I mentioned fashion in the wrong regard, but she should apologize to me for the hurtful things she says and she says “fuck you.”
Today is her birthday. I am trying to be humble and a great person. Because of my faith, I have chosen to live in a way that is humble as possible. But, I do not want to spend the day with her and be responsible for her tantrums. Her tantrums are worse than a child. I feel like as far as my family is concerned, my dad is the one who understands. He divorced my mom for different reasons, but mainly, because he was living a double life, which I do not agree with at all. So, it is difficult to go to him with stories of my mom’s wrong doings when he did a very huge one, himself. We all do wrong things and make mistakes, but, this is ongoing. No one is perfect. I have had arguments with my family members, friends, boyfriend, etc., but they are resolved and we all move on. It’s a part of life to learn how to forgive. But, since, this is ongoing, and not pertaining to ONE particular situation, it is very difficult.
I will be graduating from college within the next few months and hope to get a good job and move out of my mom and grandparent’s home. I don’t think I can change them. But, I need help in putting up with them until I move out. Please and thank you for your patience in reading.
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Ignore her. Keep out of her way, avoid her. That's the only way. Act as if she didn't exist. When she says these hurtful things, just ignore her. Block her out. Do you have earphones? Use them. Do your stuff, your chores and if you can spend less time at the house, better. Go out, walk, go to the gym. Do stuff to keep your mind distracted and just act as if she's dead. She'll either be annoyed that she's not hurting you or stressing you out, or she'll see what she's doing wrong. Best of luck! {:
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