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How do I stop having serious homesickness over England
[By the way, sorry this is so long. I'd greatly appreciate if you could give your advice, though]
My family moved to America in 2000, when I was 6, and even though I'm now 18, I still occasionally find myself missing living in England. My parents are Cameroonian, and when I was 5 I lived in Cameroon for 1 year, but I don't find myself missing Cameroon as much, even though I had a very good time there, too. I guess it might be because my parents are Cameroonian, as well as my extended family, so that part of me never left.
I still have a diary from when I was six, and I started feeling homesick (over London and Coventry) 2 weeks after we started living in New Jersey (USA). I used to get really homesick when I was younger, especially when I heard british music, and I recall trying to distance myself from the whole "American stereotype", but ultimately, as years went on, America had more and more of an influence on me. Now that I think about it, I found myself also distancing myself from African-American stereotypes, that are often negative, because I didn't see myself that way, even though most people would just see me and assume I'm just like any other black American, who has black American ancestry, and etc, because of my skin tone. I also lost my accent down the line, and my parents also did (only my dad still sometimes sounds British, because he lived there the longest, for about 20 years), which makes people always surprised and doubtful when I say I have both British and American nationality (became a dual citizen). I have no idea what I sound like to other people, though.. I don't think I really sound like anything distinct
Anyways, so, at one point, starting from when I was 15, I started really trying to connect with British things again, since I hadn't visited there since I was 8 (2002), and it's like, I wanted to still keep that part of me alive. So I'd watch a bunch of British shows, listen to a lot of British music, and emulate British fashion. At the time, it was just subconscious, though, and it's only now that I'm really realizing I was doing that. It's just that I felt like an outsider here in America so I was trying to cling to a time when I was really happy in England. I don't know whether it's because I was a little kid or because at that time my family was traveling more frequently, but I truly haven't been as happy as I was then, and that really pains me. When I look back to then, it's like that part of my life was in a different world. I feel like things became bad a few years after moving to America, but idk if it's just because I was getting older and that was inevitable.
But yeah, after living in multiple places (my family then moved from New Jersey to Texas 2 years ago and it's even worse here than in NJ!), I love to travel, but my heart still belongs in England. When I think about where I want to live in the future, all paths ultimately lead to the goal of once more living and working in London. That motivates me to work hard here in America, so I can get hired there and live the life I want to live. I don't know if it's pathetic or what. I know there's no perfect place, but it's just perfect to me. It has a lot of things I want out of a city! My parents moved to England, and then America, for a "better life", and we're upper middle class so I feel guilty over complaining about some things, but this is just how I feel.
I feel like I just want to go somewhere and truly be able to call the place home and everything. And again, with all the news about the Olympics, I just feel really crushed inside, and plan on not watching tv for the whole event, to avoid being reminded of living there. I tell my parents how I feel, and how I want to visit old friends in England, but they don't fully understand how I feel, since England is not their original country. They feel more sentimentally about Cameroon, though, but since we have Cameroonian culture, it's different.
And sometimes I even feel it's ironic for me to feel this passionate about London, and England in general, when it was one of the countries that colonized Africa in the past, and the majority of British people are white. I don't know if that's important, and due to living in various places, I'm very nonjudgmental and accepting of everyone, but I feel sort of insecure about that, too, and how others would judge me. I mean, it would be a lie if I were to only see myself as Cameroonian when I only lived there for one year. But it's the same with America and the UK. I'm a combination of things. I don't know, it's just weird. It's so awkward when someone asks me where I'm from, because I don't even know how to answer. Do they want to know where my ancestry is from, or where I was born, or where I mostly lived, or currently live? That question is weird cause most people apparently only live in one area their whole life, so they can say they're a New Yorker through and through, for example. But when someone asks, how do I know if they really care to know the story of how I moved around, or just want a short and sweet, casual answer (even though I don't feel like one place truly describes me)? Ugh. I'M JUST A CITIZEN OF EARTH.
Sorry that this was so long and all over the place, I just needed to get this off my chest. Especially in a place like Texas, where people are shocked that some black people even live in England, I just feel like a loner a lot of the time. I try to connect with other third culture kids, who are usually Indian, but I don't feel like I'm as accepted as I felt in NJ, because in Texas people seem to sort of segregate themselves by ethnicity more. In NJ I had friends of many ethnicities, but here, I don't know where I fit, and why I even have to "fit" anywhere to make proper friends. any advice? i'm about to go to college next year in tx, and after high school didn't go the way I wanted, I want it to be a lot better, but I don't know what to do different. I often find it a lot easier to find other people like me online. It's funny that I often have a lot more in common with someone in a country I've never visited, than one of my next door neighbors. this is probably really pathetic, but this is just how lonely I feel right now. I wish I knew more people off the computer with similar experiences
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I like Flare's answer. She said a lot of what I was going to say. There is also and old saying that you can never go home again.
When I was in the military we all dreamed about going home. I like the others looked forward to going home to the place I grew up in. When I finally did get to go home I found I wasn't really home. Things had changed. The people had changed or maybe I had changed. Sure much of the things I longed to see where still there they just didn't fit right anymore.
We have dreams and in our dreams things are perfect and never change. Problem is that things do change and we change as well. Our values change and what we need and want to survive change.I'm sure Coventry is and was a lovely place to live and play. I'm also sure when you go back their it will not be as you remember it.
What you need to do is to take an extended vacation to London and Coventry, on your own as you are now and adult. I'm about 80% sure you will find the the places you dream of returning too and the places you desire will not live up to your minds desire. You've changed, they have changed and in your mind they are perfect.
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Hello, my fellow British friend! I am from England, and so I understand why your heart still lingers here. I don't want to rain on your parade, but I feel that I may.
Like I say, England, and more generally Britain is a fantastic place. But you did only live here for a very very small portion of your life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't love Britain, but all I am saying is that your memory of it may be a bit faded. You see, we (humans) tend not to remember much from 0-5 years of age. If we remember, then it is usually the big events from around that period. The chances are, that you probably only remember the good, and even those memories have changed from your many years. So what we remember is not exactly how it was when it happened.
In regards to moving to London, there should not be a problem with that. If you feel that London will be somewhere that you will be happy, then work hard, and come here to University? Or work even? Many people do. The city I come from is famous for being multicultural. It is not propaganda: you only have to walk outside to see people from USA, China, India, Africa, all living together peacefully and happily. But I will say this: don't think that moving to London will automatically make thing better. It doesn't really matter where you are from, or where you are: what matters is what you make of your time at that place. So whether you are in NJ, Texas, London: it will all be the same if you are not really enjoying yourself.
Why don't you ask your family to take a trip to London? Or Coventry? You can atleast see if your theory is correct.
What my advice is, is to enjoy your life where you are. If you look back with rose-tinted glasses, then it will be a disappointment when you get where you want to. Work hard, enjoy yourself, make friends. Come to England one day, see how your memory serves you. Watch the Olympics and be proud of your past, but also appreciate your present circumstances.
If you have any other questions, feel free to inbox me. If you just want to chat with another citizen of the Earth, here's my e-mail:
flare901@gmail.com
Good luck, and I hope I helped :)
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