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Things moving too fast
Hey there, I posted here a few weeks ago about my boyfriend and I. He's 20 and I am 19.
Well the other day we both had the day off and on that specific day he picks up his little girl from daycare, I had yet to meet her because he wants to make sure he doesn't bring just anyone around her. He said he wants to make sure I'm not gonna go anywhere first. Well, the day before hand he suddenly asks if I wanted to meet his parents and sister, I said sure and we had dinner with his family, I was really nervous and shy the whole time I was there. Well the next day without even asking me, we're driving in his car, and he just stops in front of this building and he gets out of his car and a few minutes later he is at the car again holding his little girl smiling. It was so cute and I was way happy to meet her, we went to his parent's house for dinner again and played with his little girl, I was sooo nervous so I didn't pick her up and only played with her when she came up to me. After we dropped her off at her mom's house we were driving home and he asked what I thought. I told him I was really surprised and I am afraid that his little girl won't like me. He said not to worry. I was happy he wanted me to be that intertwined with his family and little girl but when I got home that night everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so overwhelmed, I couldn't sleep because all I could think of is how this little girl might hate me and if her and I do grow to like each other and bond what if I break up with my boyfriend? Everything happened so fast and my mind couldn't even process it. I am the first girl he has ever introduced to his daughter(besides her mother obviously) I am so nervous for so many reasons, I want to tell him he is moving fast but I feel like I didn't give him any reason to slow down. Well the day after I didn't talk to him at all, he was freaking out and called me after he got off work and I ignored it. I talked to him earlier and he wants to know what's wrong. I'm not sure how to approach him and tell him, he already introduced me there's nothing we can do about it now, I'm worried if I say things are going to fast he'll think I want to end it, but I want him to know I'm overwhelmed with all of this. How do I talk to him about this, how do I feel okay with having a child in my life at 19?
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Frankly I think you said it very well in your writing to us. I think your BF was wrong to just spring his little girl on you this way. While I'm sure his parents were delighted to see there granddaughter it did put an extra level of stress on you.
What you have not said, which is important in order to give you a better answer. Is how long you two have been going together or how old his daughter is?
The answer to these questions is important for a number of reasons. The older his daughter is the easier it is for her to form attachments and the harder on her to understand when someone she likes disappears from her life. So you concern there is justified. As for how long you have known each other is the fact that you are both two young to form a Successful lasting relationship such as marriage. Marriages at your age statistically fail more than if you were 4 or 5 years older and had a higher education. So again your concerns are valid.
I would suggest you reread you question to us. Hi-lite the important parts and in essence put it to him in a very similar manner. Your concerns for his daughters well being are well placed. You were put in a very stressful position on for which he should have asked for your consent before hand. If he is this impulsive and not thing of your concerns and feelings then your concern for a lasting relationship with him is also valid.
There are times when you have to hit someone over the head with something to make them understand. Trying to sugar coat your concerns heard is wrong. I'm all for telling him like it is and see his reaction. IF the reaction is negative then you may want to reevaluate your relationship with him.
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I get where you're coming from. I think you should be straight up and honest with him, let him know that you are flattered and happy that he deems you good enough to meet his family and his little girl.Also let him know you're overwhelmed, that you're scared of messing up. As for the situation with the daughter, you should know you'll always come second to her. Maybe she's too young to understand, but when she grows up she'll see you as the person who robs the attention from her father, let her know you are not a threat but one more person that loves her or may come to love her. My sisters ex-boyfriend was with her for 4 years, they broke up but I continue talking to him. We joke around, we text etc. He's almost 20 years older than me, but he was like a father to me in those 4 years. Maybe if you warm up to the idea, befriend her. If you break up with him, make sure to stay in contact with her, if you're truly interested in it. Just try to keep the atmosphere friendly and relaxed with her. Let her see you are not a threat to her and that you'd like to be her friend. Be the person who she can count on, try to be a little more involved with her. Not be her mom, she has someone for that, but a true friend. Make the time you spend with her enjoyable, and make sure he also lets her know that she is his number one girl and always will be, that will eliminate a lot of problems or negative thoughts she may have about your presence. About you feeling overwhelmed, it's understandable. Just think that he thinks your good enough to meet his family, you are special to him! Of course, you'll always be a little nervous and the maybe's and the if's always clouds your mind, it's normal! You're probably scared of messing up, and if you tell him this, he'll probably comfort you and try to take it easy. Always be straight up about your thoughts and feelings. Best of luck [:
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