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Broken Family.
I have two step-brothers that choose not to be a part in my life. They are both about ten years older than me. I was adopted into their family. Before that, I was in a foster home and before that, I was living with my family as an abuse victim. They both were grown and out on their own when I was adopted. All those years with that family, they never tried to get to know me. One of their wives, several times, made slight accusations that I was into drugs when I was around 12 and 13. She shared her worries with my parents and I found out through my parents, like always, what was said. I was a good-girl and it upset me that she said those things and I believe it was because my background before she knew me. She also told my parents that she didn't want me around her son, who was my age, because she didn't want him to pick up my behaviors. I was a little on the quiet side but other than that, I don't understand what that meant. My step-brothers were rich and went to top-notch schools, so maybe that's why they and their wives are a little on the snooty side? When I got a little older, it became a habit to argue with my parents and I guess that didn't look too good to them. Once when I was 14, I taunted my grandpa because I was upset. He said, "I'm going spank your butt." I said to him, "Why don't you get up and chase me old man. Then I said, "I wish you were dead." He was 90-something years old. Next day I came home from school and found the police at my house. They filed a report on me for harassing my grandpa for future notice. After the police left, my step-brother came to the house and 'knew' why they were there. I was told he assumed as much from me, though I never taunted my grandpa like that before nor before gave him a death wish. He passed away a couple years later. My step-brother never forgave me for that even though I don't understand why it was so big to him. I don't even know his intake of the event because like I said before, everything that went on was spoken privately between them and my parents. Years after that, my other step-brother became on bad terms with me. After I moved out from home, my parents changed the locks on the doors. One time I broke in with my boyfriend when my parents were gone. I went through the doggie-door. I had no where else I could stay that night. My neighbors tattled me out to my parents. My parents had my step-brother go in to make sure nothing was stolen. My mom said to me on the phone, "You should have called ahead of time!" I didn't because I knew she would say no. She was worried that I might have stolen her identity or something and she shared her concerns with my step-brother. That made no sense to me! I never done anything that even hinted I would do something that low! I really didn't understand but since that incident, that brother became on bad terms with me. So then both brothers were on bad terms with me. I don't see them a lot. Mostly only on special occasions. They don't call. They didn't call me. They made all these judgments about me my whole life with that family. All from the sidelines! I rarely knew what I did that upset them unless I asked my parents. My parents gossiped to them about me without my knowledge or permission. If I asked about their personal problems, my reply would be that's none of your business! My parents have always been strict and they always nagged me. They never offered empathy or support. They try to be great Christians and always seem to act self-righteous. My step-brothers never understood me. Now they are just about completely out of my life but that's not what I want. I, for some odd reason, love them. I don't understand how to have a relationship with them. I know an apology isn't going to change the pain they feel when they see me. They act like I betrayed them. Can I change anything or are they too hard-headed for understanding?
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Hello. Here's my take:
1. Arguing with your parents is never good. Everyone does it though, especially at that age. But for other people to see it, it looks bad. And if you have children, would you want them socializing with someone who argues with their parents? Especially if your child has never argued with you. It's easy to understand as people think that behaviour can be picked up, and it can.
2. Your grandfather situation: You told your 90 year old grandfather that you wished he was dead. You say that you can not really see why or how this would upset people. But it's blindingly obvious. Someone who is 90 years old is virtually on their last years. People start to plan for things, because they know that the end is near. You constantly have to live in the fear that one day, the person will die, and it could be today, or tomorrow. Saying that to a healthy 25 year old is different to saying it to a 90 year old. This is extremely sensitive, and so it's obvious why it is something that will offend people, especially as he was your brothers' grandfather.
3. In regards to you breaking in: you *broke* in to your parents house. That is illegal if you have moved out. If your boyfriend didn't stop you, and then you both did that, you must understand how bad this must seem to your brothers' and parents. The mature thing would be to call them, and explain that you have nowhere to go, and to ask nicely if you can stay. If not, ask if they have any ideas where you can go. But if you were willing to break into their home, they were understandably concerned about what else you would do.
So in regards to your brothers, you can understand why they may be upset with you: You argue with their mother (which upsets them all, especially if they were not the type to argue with their parents), you wished their grandfather (aged 90, and on his last days) dead, you disrespected him by taunting him, and you broke into the family home.
Your mother obviously will tell other people about your behavior. She does not need your permission to talk about you. She will do this for support, advice, or general help with what to do.
There may also be others aspects, e.g. they may be jealous because you are now getting attention from their parents, or because you are not a blood relative. But don't try to use this to blame them. You did a lot which clearly offended them.
Now though, you must understand why they were upset with you. If you did something wrong, take responsibility for it, and don't try to pass the buck. Only then, can you make amends.
SOLUTION: Call your brothers. Explain how you feel: that you didn't really get to know each other before. Explain that you did some stupid things, but that you've matured, and that you would like to have a relationship with them, because you love them, regardless of the fact that you are not blood relatives. Suggest meeting to catch up. Either give them a call or talk to them at the next family event. If they're not interested, you could write a letter to them explaining how you feel. This is more personal, and the chances are that they will read it. If they don't change their mind, then you have done everything that you can do. You just have to let time heal it, and hope that one day, they will be able to forgive you.
In short: understand why they are upset. Speak to them to solve it. If it fails, let time heal.
Good luck.
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