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Depressing Start to Summer
I’m absolutely miserable right now. I’m extremely anxious at what’s in store for the rest of the summer. My self-esteem is at an all- time low; I almost had a semi-crisis tonight. My life has been amazing since I started college as a music major. I’ve found my passion and completely fit in with others who share it. My social life at school is absolutely amazing and during the school year, I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life.
I DO NOT fit in with the crowd at my summer job. When I first started out, it didn’t bother me much, as I thought it was just because I was new. I am more on the introverted side, until I get to know people really well. My closest friends seem to enjoy my dry, intellectual humor very much but that is SO not the style at my job. I also tend to be on the high-strung side, but many of my friends at school enjoy that about me. A lot of my school friends are kind of uptight too, as well as my few high school friends.
Everyone at my job is the extreme opposite of that. They are chill, laid-back, carefree party animals. At work, I have NO friends. I think the people there are awesome and would love to have them as friends. All of this year’s new people already have friends but no one has interest in being friends with me. I’ve never in my life been this disregarded by people. Based on certain clues, I’m pretty sure people say negative things about me and think I’m weird. I’ve literally gone from being on top-of-the-world confident in school, socially, to the complete opposite when I’m home. All I try to do is be myself, but my true self doesn’t feel any bit of confidence around these people. The fact that I can’t make friends there is making me absolutely miserable and like a failure. It’s a tough, party crowd that everyone is able to fit in with except me.
Tonight they had a party and I went, thinking that maybe it would boost my chances of making friends and it ended up being one of the most awkward situations I’ve had to experience. I literally would have periods of 5-10 minutes just standing awkwardly and not talking because I felt so insecure and could not think of anything to say. It was a pretty crazy party with the usual drinking, weed smoking, , and more. To make matters worse, I had no ride there and my parents don’t know I drink (I’m underage) so of course I was that completely sober loser who drove myself, by myself. If I was drunk, I’m sure it would have helped. EVERYONE else had people to socialize with and was acknowledged. After tonight, I’m SURE people talk about me and think I’m weird. I’m a very kind person and I’m hoping that people at least like that about me. I really just feel like no one likes me. I’m being realistic. I do talk to people, it’s not like I’m completely anti-social but I’m having the least success of everyone there with making friends. It’s easy to tell someone to “just relax” but that’s much easier said than done. I don’t generally have issues with anxiety (until now) but I do admit that I need a chill pill much of the time. People who are naturally chilled out don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to relax. I’m classical singer (also something that people at my job don’t give a crap about, I barely bother bringing it up) and my mental and physical tension are issues for me.
My jealousy right now, for these people who are so cool, happy, and problem-free is overwhelming. Lately, I’ve also been having issues with my family, namely my mom and my brother. On the drive home from the party, for some reason, I started sobbing thinking about how harsh I’ve been with my mom lately. At that moment, I almost started screaming in anxiety, in regard to this whole work situation. I called my best friend but he wasn’t free to talk. I feel so alone.
I’ve also always had attention difficulties but have never been formally diagnosed with any type of disorder. My parents never explored this issue when I was younger so I’m in the process of doing so myself. It’s a long process (finding a doctor, booking appointments, waiting for the appointments, etc.) but now, I have it on my mind all the time. To make matters worse, the therapist I’m seeing has so far been kind of harsh and insensitive.
I’m also having the lowest bodily self-esteem I’ve ever had and have been extremely discouraged by the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend and no one is ever interested in me. I’m a little overweight.
I know this whole thing makes me seem like I’m generally a person with huge issues and sees that worst in people but honestly, I’ve been perfectly happy until this summer. Maybe it’s a rite of passage to have these thoughts and I can’t be privileged enough to be so happy ALL the time. I’d like to know how to cope with being so miserable this summer. I still have two months until I go back to school :/ I hope to GOD it gets better. Any advice, please? Sorry this is so long.
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Hello,
I'm really sorry for your situation. Being miserable can cause a lot of harm to your mental health. Do your best to get this resolved the best you can, it could effect how you perform at school. Also, keep contact with your friends at school - it could get weird between your friends if you don't speak to each other while you're away. You need a doctor you like. If you're not happy with the one you have, it's likely they can't give you the help you need. I have taken Prozac in the past - it helped me with my temporary anxiety. It was more of a crutch for me until I felt comfortable again around people. I don't recommend that particular medication; you should find something that works for you. As for your low self-esteem, work on that. Join a gym. Change what you can afford. Confidence has beauty in itself, it can really transform how you appear to others. You can change who you are to people. You don't have to be the awkward girl at work. You are more than that and you can be yourself. I never had anxiety until I got diagnosed with major depression. Self-esteem was shot because I stopped being happy with the way I look. I found when I looked my best, I exuded confidence. Take away the wall between you and your coworkers and it will get so much easier. Besides, from my experience, people who party are a lot easier to get along with. You don't have to be the most interesting person, you just need to talk about what they like talking about. Just try to be more fun than boring. Don't be afraid and if you are, be brave. I've heard this helps - while engaging in conversations, try keeping a song in your head to keep you chill. What you're going through is all in your head. You can get past this and enjoy the rest of your summer. I hope I helped.
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