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My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in months.
Hello Advicenators,
So, lets start it off this way. My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 4 years now, including breaks and breakups between. Hes 21, I'm 19. I go away to school as he stays home and attends community college.
Here is the problem, WE HAVENT HAD SEX IN MONTHS! litterally.. Ill try to do things to turn him on like lay in bed naked or walk around my room naked and i'll even star making out with him and honestly, he doesnt try anything. Last time was when he visited me at school in April and he fell asleep on me. He finishes very quick.. like 5 minutes or so. So im always down for a round 2, 3, 4...whatever, until im pleased. So, now that i've been home from school since may. We havent had sex. Honestly, i dont know whats going on..and why this is happening. but I'm becoming very tempted to go and have sex with someone else because i have a high sex drive. This is getting ridiculous, and they say if your not happy with your love life you cant be happy with your relationship because that will be missing... ugh. what should i do? can/how do i talk to him about it without embarrassing him or shaming him?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Has anything changed in the last six months with him medically? Is he depressed? Is he on medications with sexual side-effects? That right there could be the answer about him not having the drive or desire at all.
On a whole other level maybe he's not at all confident or comfortable with sex like you are. You mentioned that he doesn't last long or doesn't seem to know what to do afterward to please you. Maybe he has self-esteem issues about performance and has pushed you away.
What you need to do is rule out something medical, talk about his self-esteem with him and ask him flat out why he has no interest in physical intimacy at all. Most guys want it all the time and he doesn't.
Definitely, a girl must think wtf? Is it me? Probably it isn't. He has some kind of hangup you have to investigate and decide whether to stay.
It's frustrating but at the same time you can't rely on him to fulfill your needs. You have to learn how to take care of your need for pleasure without intercourse while you work this out or move on from him. Give him the benefit of doubt first and talk to him about it and that you feel unwanted etc. and questioned whether to be with him or not.
There are products in novelty shops designed for adults that are rings that will trap blood flow if it's an issue of being unable to perform at all or for long. Look into that, therapy or anything that will re-ignite the spark but if the fire is out for good best to know for sure where things stand with him. Good luck!
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Lots of couples go through this. There are many reasons why he hasn't felt like having sex, and no body can tell you why, with certainty. Sometimes the only way to resolve issues is by talking them out, instead of forcing things to happen. Walking around naked, kissing him, scattering candles around, is just that. Although you have the best intentions in mind (I mean, who wouldn't want to spice things up?), you are trying to get something to happen on the surface, when really, the only way to resolve the issue is by digging deep, and figuring out the underlying cause(s).
Ask yourself if your boyfriend has one through a period of stress lately? Have you two started to get too used to each other? Have one, or both of you lost interest? Sometimes couples who are with each other for a long time simply get too used to each other. Sometimes the spark goes out... And sometimes, people change and grow. And as a consequence, grow apart. It may just be that you two have grown apart and are looking for different things. But only you two can figure it out.
The first step is to calmly talk to him. Just let him know exactly how you feel, and ask him if there is anything bothering him or stressing him out that might get in the way of your sex life. Talk to him about the relationship-- as in, where you are, what you two want out of it, etc. Communication is key. You'd be surprised what some one-on-one talking can do for you. It might lead you to get some things sorted out, and either bring you closer together, or, if that isn't the case, it'll help both of you become honest with yourselves about what you expect in a relationship, and if this one fits the bill. It may or may not lead to makeup sex. But you have to answer honestly; Do you love each other? Do you make each other happy most of the time? Are you both attracted to each other? It may or may not be worth a shot to sustain the relationship, but you will not know for sure without talking to him first.
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