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i need urgent relationship advice (specif. from adults - but open to all)
ok, for starters I'm 23 yrs of age, - female- my current boyfriend is the same age. We've been on and off for 5 years but he was my he sweetheart. We are the type if couple that everyone says you both look good together. When were good were great and in love but when were bad we try and hurt each others feeling and despise each other. He normally starts the fights and he's aware of that, but I don't walk away from the situation I feel like i need to stand up for myself, then suddenly its a game of whoever says or does the most irrational thing wins. We have been together for so long it's like we can freely say whatever and curse at each other because we love each other well apologize later and then go back to our old routine. But some of the stuff that he says stays in my mind and I'm sure its the same with him.
We've been through 2 major breakups and I'm usually the one to break up with him. But we often threaten each other were going to leave each other whenever in a fight. Now I'm states away from my hometown I lived all my life and before we moved we were fighting -though it would change when we moved in together -our fights have gotten worse to the point we fight in front of our friends and they wonder if we beat each other up at home.
I really do love him, and he loves me. We go on dates, have movie night and cuddle every night. When were good were great. But I feel myself wanting more out of life individually. He has talked to his parents about proposing to me and we TM have talked about marriage. And he has a great job with a good salary. So we could start a life and have kids. But he doesn't want me my parents in the same state as we are even though they want to move closer to me. I left my dog who is the love of my life at home first him because his dog didn't get along with mine. If i stay with him I will never fulfill my lifelong dream of being a professional dancer in California like my dad was because he wants to move to another country for his job. And i know I'm the only one sacrificing. But I don't know what's best for me?? It's not like I have a guaranteed in bring a successful dancer - its a gamble. But I'm young and I'm okay with taking that risk. But with him, I can't do the things i want and have the things i want, because its all planned out for me.
I'm scared because the linger I wait, I'm just gonna keep sinking into quicksand and it'll be harder to get out. But I'm so list. My parents want whatever I decide but it will devastate them to know my bf wants to move to another country where ill never see them again - and I'm an only child. All my friends think my bf cheats on me though my bf reassures me he doesn't all the time yet leads me into thinking he does.
I'm currently back home for a couple of days which I feel myself again and soooo happy to be home it feels like a dream come true. My dog actually cried and was so excited to see me - more than any other time. I thought she forgot about me but she didn't and she loves me being home. And so do I. But I have to go back to Idaho with idaho with bf and deep inside I don't want to. But we have a year lease which he can't pay for it by himself. And he too knows no one out there. So if i left him he'd be alllll alone. And i have such a big heart that even if I hated him I couldn't do that to him.
HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!
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First: I get the feeling you are a very young 23 year old in that you have many unsatisfied dreams. Dreams are good but you have put forth these dreams as goals or milestones you would like to obtain. Unless and until you can satisfy these dreams or rationalize them to their proper prospective you will always wonder if you gave them up for him. If you allowed him to force you to surrender your dreams. This is something that can fester and actually harm a marriage down the road.
Second: Marriage is a 50/50 proposition. From what you have written I don't see that anywhere. what I see is he comes first. His job, where he wants to live, your parents can't live in the same state that is very controling of him. The days of a wife being totally subservient to her husband went out when women gained the right to vote. You have not written about anywhere in his plan where he accomodates any of you wishes or desires. His dog not yours, starting a life and having children is part of marriage.
Trust is a big part of marriage and from what you have written you two have trust issues. If I was your father and I'm just about old enough to be your grandfather. My advice would be to stay where you are. If I could afford it I would write him a check for your half of the rent for the time between now and when he plans to leave the country or the next three months, which ever comes first. I would tell him to pack up your things and send them home to you.
To you I would say he is not the right choice for a good life partner. That you need to follow your dreams first, then once obtained if obtainable you can then carve out the future that is best for you. To look for a man who is both loving and supportive of what you want and someone who you can support in his lifes desires.
I will be married for 41 years caome next month. Your parents have been married for at least 24 years. What I am telling you is what has worked for us. Love each other and support each other. Most of all you must trust each other. I don't see this in your current relationship. Love and sex can only sustain a relationship for a time. For a truly long term relationship their must be love, respect and mutual support.
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Your story sounds a little familiar. Dating a guy who doesn't support you in your dreams is the hardest thing ever. It's like all the time you are doing what they want to be done and you don't get to put much say in it. I think it should be fifty fifty. There should be a middle ground in this where you can be able to still fulfill your dream of becoming a dancer while he does his. It is unfair for your to give everything up for him while he is not compromising anything. You need to talk to him about this and let him know how important your dream is also. That you guys need to figure a way to make each other happy when it comes to dreams or goals. He needs to be supportive in in that. If he keeps being selfish, then it will r up to you to decide wether or not you want to give up your dream. Life is too short to throw away your dreams. You only have so much time to get going with that. Wether or not it works out won't even matter. At least of you try you can say, "hey, I tried and it worked out!" or "hey, at least I tried". That way you won't have to live the rest of your life wondering what could have happened. Talk to him about it and he should be able to compromise and be supportive.
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