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Fiancé calls me a whore
Over a year ago, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, had a miscarriage (in which my ex told me he was happy that my baby had gone to hell), was struggling with bulimis, and my father figure died of a really painful cancer. I was in the military, away from everyone I knew and had only one friend who knew all of this. I felt ugly, worthless, and insecure. This friend told me the only way a man would love me was if I got more "sexual experience" (I had only ever slept with my ex.) I idiotically followed this advice and slept with four rather random people. This friend who had given me said advice grew to be my best friend, then my boy friend, and now is my fiancé. He constantly calls me a whore for those four times, and repeatedly tells me how disgusting I am. How do I fix this?
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I'm with Flare. The advice he gave you was ridiculous. I hate to tell you this, but if he's calling you a whore, trying to convince you you're a bad person, and belittling you like that, you're still in an abusive relationship.
A man who truly loves you would NEVER say those things, even in jest (unless you were both okay with joking about that stuff). I've slept with a few guys, not all of whom I was dating, not all of whom I saw more than once. That doesn't make me disgusting, or whorish, or any of that crap, and my boyfriend has no right to judge my past (not that he would). Yours doesn't either. He also has no right to pass judgment on you as a person because of your past. You were going through a lot, apparently, and trying to find yourself after escaping abuse. Believe me, I know that you lose yourself in an abusive relationship.
I don't know how long you've been together or how old you two are, but you say you've been "carrying" the relationship. I interpret that as you being the only one making any effort. I'm sure you're aware that a relationship takes two people's effort, and lots of communication and compromise, to work. He's shown you exactly what he's willing to do - control you, belittle you, abuse you - and you still want to marry him? Marriage is not an answer to a problem. It can only get worse. In addition, you'll be legally bound to him, and the process of disentanglement would be so much harder.
Frankly, it sounds like he's purposefully trying to belittle and control you and reduce your self-esteem so you feel like no one else will ever want you, so you'll stay with him. You might want to attribute that to insecurity on his part, but that's just making excuses for him and telling him his behavior is okay. It's not. Ever. While you might think that this engagement is a romantic thing, given his behavior, it could very well be a further control tactic - he'd have you under his roof, he could keep a closer eye on you. You'd be stuck with him.
You need to step back and recognize this behavior as the controlling, abusive bull that it is. I know I'm being a little blunt about this, but the fact that you're engaged to be married to this hypocritical asshole who calls you a whore and says you're disgusting scares me.
This is textbook emotional abuse. Get out NOW before you're really trapped. Give yourself a chance to be truly loved. After all that you've been through, you deserve it.
Siren (survivor, 2.5 years.)
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My advice tell him to take a hike, you don't need him. You are walking down the road towards another abusive relationship. Leave him now before the pain and misery of a divorce.
Get some counseling to find out why you are attracted to this type of man so you can learn to avoid them in the future. You deserve a better man than this guy and your ex.
You may also wish to call a group called RAINN which stands for; Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They can help you find someone in your area to help you as i have suggested. They operate a 24/7 hotline. Their number is 1-800-656-HOPE
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Hello,
First, the advice your friend gave you, was terrible. A man will love you for who you are, not how many people you've slept with.
Secondly, is your fiance calling you a whore as a joke? Or seriously? If it's a joke, explain that it hurts you. If it's serious, then you need to speak to him. Explain how it makes you feel. Hopefully this will work. But if it doesn't then you need to realise that this isn't the relationship for you. Would you rather be stuck in an abusive relationship again? Or find someone who loves you for who you truly are? Because him calling you a whore, is obviously abuse.
Also, on a side note, you say this relationship has been going on for only 8months? Do you not think that is a bit premature to be engaged to be married? You give the impression that you are rushing into things, because you are worried you won't find someone that loves you?
Be sure to realise that rushing into a relationship won't make it work. I know people who have been together 8years, and are only now starting to talk about marriage. One of my shortest relationships was only 6 months, and I would never had even thought about marriage.
My advice is to think about whether this is the man for you. If not, then you need to leave the relationship sooner, rather than later to ensure you don't get in too deep. Eventually, you will find someone that loves you, for you. Of course, you will need to go out, and meet people. But that doesn't mean you should drop your underwear, just in the hope than maybe you'll get somewhere with them.
Good Luck :)
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