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Temporary Dating: Sex or no sex?
17/f
I recently met a guy in my area from a dating website. We exchanged numbers, talked pretty consistently for about a week and finally decided to meet up under the agreement that if we weren't attracted to each other, we'd go on our merry ways. However, things turned out very differently than how I initially expected. After an entire evening of talking, we ended up hooking up (no sex; only making out and petting) in the back of his car. So as of now, we're dating.
The catch is that he's graduating school soon and will only be around for three months, and considering both of our busy schedules, we wont really have the opportunity to spend very much time together. He's 23, which most people would consider a significant age gap. Not only are we in completely different phases in life, but there's also the question of legality.
I was just wondering if someone could give me advice on how I should address the sexual aspect of the temporary relationship I'm getting myself into. Because, we're obviously going to have to address the question of whether or not we're going to have sex (he'll obviously want to). Thanks.
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Do you want to have sex? You imply that you don't, but you didn't actually say so.
When you talk to him, you can't be this vague on the issue.
No one here can advise you on the legality of having sexual contact with him without knowing what state or county you live in. However, in the most of the US you are old enough to consent to sex with him. Only in Arizona, California, Idaho, North Dakota, Oregon, Tennessee, Virginia and Wisconsin, are there any restrictions on what you can consent too. Everywhere else, you two are fine.
So, the more important thing to do before you address the sexual aspect of this relationship, is determine what you WANT from the sexual aspect of this relationship. Then, tell him where your boundaries are, or aren't. If you are uncomfortable doing this is person, talk about it online.
Don't be afraid to be specific, even if it's uncomfortable.
Personally, I think you are seventeen years old and you are allowed to choose who you have sex with. I don't necessarily agree with the laws that are still on the books that would criminalize you having a sexual relationship with this guy. All sex IS risky, and you need to be aware of those risks (both the physical and emotional ones) and decide if you are willing to do take them, and how you are going minimize them.
But, it really is a choice you get to make for yourself. I'd don't think I'd choose to have sex with someone if I knew the relationship had an expiry date - even now at the age of 27 - that seems awkward and drama-filled to me.
So, decide what you want, and then tell him.
Remember that you want is allowed to change. Don't feel you need to be 100% certain about everything before you can speak to him about. Just tell him where your thoughts are at right now and you'll let him know if your boundaries or comfort levels change.
Don't assume you know what he wants - he might understand and be very comfortable not taking your relationship to a sexual level.
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Hello. I have a few points to make, and so i'll bullet point them:
1. You clearly state that this was going to simply be a physical relationship, as you would part ways if you were not attracted to each other. So this isn't really an emotional thing so much.
2. You also state that you are only Dating. So we know it's not serious. Also you say "he'll obviously want to", which makes it sound that this is purely a sexual thing. He'll want sex, so you may as well. That's not necessarily right.
3. He will soon be going away, and so if you do get into something serious, it will be difficult when eventually he has to go. For both of you.
4. You state the legal problem. 17 & 23 is not only stupid, but illegal. Technically, it is rape. Even if you consent. Depending on the judge, He could be convicted of Rape, and Paedophilia. He would be a sex offender. Imagine that: Your whole life ahead of you, just graduated from school, and no one will employ you because you raped a young girl. Surely, if his vision is too clouded to realise the consequences, you should step up and realise why it is wrong.
5. If you were older, or similar aged adults, my advice would be different: Realise that you may suffer heartache when he leaves, but if you are both consenting adults who just want to have fun, go for it.
Solution: Don't do it dear. The consequences far outweigh the benefits of this situation. You could end up being hurt. He could end up being an unemployable sex offender. Simply move on, and find someone of a similar age to you.
Good luck.
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