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Help! So confused what I should say to him?
please read all and carefully, thankyou. my parents got divorced 2 years ago. im 14/f i have 4 other siblings. the problem is that when they got divorced my older sis took sides with my mom and my older bro took sides with my dad. My sister and brother were best friends, until this. Now my other older brother, me, and my younger brother are just hanging in the middle not taking sides. I go to therapy and it has been helping, but i have not been on any anti-depressants or anything not that i want to. My sister never really had a relationship with my dad to begin with so i don't mind her not talking to him. As for my older brother he won't talk to my mom (this is the brother who took sides with my dad) and they were very close also, and as i said he wont talk to my sister. it is all so complicated. my brother has been to therapy with me once. and he thinks it is horrible that i am in the middle and my little brother as well. he told me about 2 years ago, (my parents got divorced in 2010 but the fighting has been happening since 09) that i could come talk to him at any time about anything. he is 24. i know what i would say, i even wrote him a letter for my own purpose just to put it on paper what i would say. but the thing is i am a really tough girl, i speak my mind, but the last 3 years have made me feel like shit-lonely, depressed, angry, grief, etc. so i kind of held my feelings in. i feel like if i talked to him it would be best. because then he would see how much i've been hurting. i would just be telling him how i feel. not attacking him at all just how it's affecting me. i really dont think he would get defensive, i think he would be somewhat surprised that im this sad. and he would say im sorry, i know its bad, but i don't think anythig will change. So now that this has all happened it has turned me into an insecure person. So my therapist said, just tell him, i think he will understand, and even if nothing changes between him and your sister or your mom at least he knows how you really feel. and i said i know but i feel like if he reacted like wow omg im so sorry and changed i would feel great. but even if he said i know im sorry but i don't see things changing i would feel even more insecure and helpless because he doesn't know this insecure, vulnerable side of me and i just revealed it and then i would feel so stupid. i dont know anymore. i feel like im going to burst. it's like im non-stop pmsing for 3 years straight. i get mad at people for no reason, i get bursts of loneliness, i feel like a sad clown. total opposite person before this. everyone has seen a change in me.i've lost friendships, i dont even hang out with friends becasue this is on my mind all the time, i gain weight, lose weight, there was even a point when i was losing a lot of hair. i would have panic attacks at the most random times just from seeing a happy family. other things happened that i wont say but it was bad. right now compared to a year ago im much better but still dealing with what i just said. also now that the've gotten divorced my dad will ask what time to pick me up i say 2 pm or whatever then i tell my mom and she gets mad at me because he is supposed to be talking to her directly. and i agree and my therapist too so i tell him that and he says no im not doing it, i dont want to have any contact with her. so im the one getting involved. they get mad at me if something happened between them. my mom says don't get involved but she tells me things about the divorce, court, and even showed me hurtful texts my brother texted her. there was a point last year when i got so frustrated with them both that i put all the blame on my dad when it was both their faults and just said in a very mean hurtful attacking email i dont want to see you anymore, because he was the easiest person to put the blame on. and i ended up talking to him again 6 monthes later and now we are "fine" seeing each other once a week, sun. we have not discussed that email because it is so ugly to me i dont even want to bring it up, i regret sending it. i need to talk to brother, but their are so many emotions running through me. one other BIG thing that came up was that my great uncle just died and i dont even know if my brother knows about it. i had never met him nor my other siblings too, but it was very sad becasue now his sister, my grandma, is the last one alive out of their family, she is 85 so is my grandpa. and my brother hasnt seen them in 3 years. but my grandpa called him up and said he wants to see him, but my brother said i can't it would be too difficult, he is just as hurt as i am. SOOOOO, becasue my grandparents are so old, the fact the my grandma's brother died just brought back feelings and made me sad because i thought what if god forbid one of my grandarents died and my brother never talked to them he would feel guilty, and would make me feel guilty for not talking to him earlier about how i feel. my therapist agreed. that just added 10 more tons on my back. can someone please tell me what i should do, and how i should go about it. i, when having a confrontation, or having a serious converstion, like to talk in person, but i live in NJ and he lives across the country. the only time i will get to see him is the summer/spring. if i decide to talk to him i want to do it soon before we go on vacation. so i was thinking, even my therapist said that if i bring it up that oh did you know our great uncle died? oh really? then i could go into about how i feel about him and my grandparents and that guilt that i just talked about. then slowly about him and my sister and my mom. im just nervous, but therapist is convinced that i should. i know i need to. i think im just scared, and i dont want to admit it to him. this whole thing has affected my friendships, family, school, social life, soccer. everything and it sucks. any advice is helpful. thankyou and thankyou for reading this whole thing. i know it seem confusing for you, which it probablly is, but for me, it's 10x worse. thankyou!<3
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Wow, I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this! Right now, the best thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Try not to let all these things get you down, and don't think that they are right when telling you not to get involved. If they're going to talk to you about t he divorce, then that's involving you and you need to tell them that. Don't be scared to talk to your dad I think you meant? He loves you no matter what. You need to do whats best for you, and only help out in little ways. This is something you and your parents need to handle themselves. Try and stay strong, and think positive. Hope I helped a bit!
-Bri
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My advice is to say what your feeling to those that make you feel that way. Your mom with her telling you all those things that you don't need to hear, Sadly it's bad parenting (I don't mean she's a bad person she just doesn't know how it affects you); so you need to tell her that your her and your fathers child and you don't need to know those things, that no matter what your still going to love them both so what she tells you only hurts you. You may feel otherwise (want to blame someone) but that is only going to make things worse in the long run, make things worse for everyone including yourself.
Yes you were wrong for sending your dad that email so apologize to him and TELL him how stressed and terrible you feel about everything; it would kill me inside if my child felt the way you do and kept to herself about it, I would do everything and anything to make her feel better so I'm sure he feels the same.
The answer to everything is to get all that you've kept inside out (and not just to your brother); do this the best way you can. By that I mean try to not be hurtful in the process and describe your feelings the best way you can, even If that mean you have to write it down on paper.
I know your a strong person but a 14 year old needs to be out having fun with her friends, learning new things, and just enjoying being a kid; thats were your at in life, you haven't lived long enough to be able to handle this kind of thing on your own so I'm glad you asked this question so those of us who have can help you, well at least I really hoped this helped.
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