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I don't understand what's wrong with me
I have a good life. I have a good future, friends family and yet... for sometime I keep thinking about death, about all the ways I can die. I think of the easiest ways, the quickest and I find myself wanting an almost painful end. I have a good life, but at the same time, I want to leave it. I want to leave my future, my friends, family, people, and I hate myself for it, yet I hate myself for wanting attention, for wanting someone to notice that the smile I have on is killing me and all I want to do is sleep and forget everything but I can't because I have school and friends and they don't know how to handle me when I'm like this, I know because when I've told them they become scared of me and it makes me hate myself for making feel that way so I hurt them so they'll stop wanting to be around me and find someone better to be with but at the same time I can't let go of them and I know I'm poisonous and it's hurting them but I can't help it... I thought I was doing really well for a while but now I feel like I can't stand living but I can't stand the thought of death and I love the people around me but I hate them for loving me so I hurt them then I hate myself... I don't understand why I'm this and I can't take to them but I'm scared of being alone, the thought of calling someone scares so me much but I hate being alone with myself because I am a horrible person and I just want to die, but I'm too much of a coward to do it... I don't know what to do or why I'm like this... Please, does anyone understand? I need help but I don't want myself to be helped... I have a good life but I don't why I'm not valuing like people say I should ... I need help, I can't handle myself like this...
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Hun I cnt giv much advise but I just wanna say PLEASE DON'T kill yourself that is the worst thing you can do I think you should talk to your parents or a phycoligist or somone who CAN help not your friends. What do you mean by hurting them???? Do you physicly hurt them??? How old are you??? Maybe its just hormoans. I haven't had the best life in the world but I know that if I kill myself there's no way back. Please don't make a permanant decisision for a temparary desision please hun. I am going to give you the suicide hotline because I can see you wanna commit suicide and they can help.please call them please its one of your only solutions the suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255 please call them they will help
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I'm not going to tell you that I know exactly how you feel because no one can but I will tell you that I have been in your shoes. I have felt that same torment, wanting to die and not understanding why. I hated myself for so long and pushed away almost everyone that cared about me. I know how it feels to be screaming inside, begging for just one person to be able to hear you, begging for someone to reach out and tell you, you aren't alone. I spent far too long doing physical harm to myself because at least when I was bleeding I had a reason to feel all the pain I had inside, at least there was a justification for it. As I got older, there was a constant battle going on inside of me. I had to fight not to run my car off the road, swallow the whole bottle of medicine instead of the regular dose or just slice my apple instead of my wrists. There were days that I was just so tired of fighting, I was so exhausted that I just wanted to give up. I didn't ever get any help, as far as anyone knows I was fine but I wish I had. You are not alone and you are not crazy! Other teenagers may not be able to relate and may just back away because they are scared of your feelings, but there are people who will listen who will be there for you unconditionally and won't look at you like you're nuts when you explain how you feel. Friends like these are rare but they do exist just hang in there! If you ever need to talk, I'm here and I do understand! Love856@hotmail.com
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I have gone through this before and am going through this a little still right now. Except I don't let my friends see any negative behaviours from me so they have no clue that this happens to me. Your friends are sad for you and you are making them feel your pain! I have a great life like you do, but sometimes I just want to say goodbye. I have held a knife to my stomach a couple of times for a few seconds to see what it would feel like to be about to kill myself...and I hated it! I'm not saying you should do this because once I almost fell when I did this (I was walking down the stairs) and I don't want that to happen to you. Many people go through these stages in life, a lot of people don't show it though. All those loners that sit by themselves during lunch and such, are going through this. I always wonder how they feel about death. Just get through it and one day you'll look back at this and say...I am so happy that I didn't kill myself. :D
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