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Male perspective please!
I am a 20 yr old girl. I have girl emotions and I think like a girl. But I am not irrational. As a normal person, I would even go as far as to say above average, I am very emotionally intelligent. My boyfriend (20) on the other hand is an emotional rock. And I don't mean hes strong, I mean hes empty and hard. Has a lot to do with how he was raised and a bunch of other factors that aren't really worth discussing.
The problem is I consider myself a highly rational human being. I listen, and I speak, but because I'm good with emotions I always understand the other person if they are being honest and open. My boyfriend doesn't know what to do with himself. The reason I'm asking for a third party perspective is because no matter what I do here I still get the same result, and I am going around in circles and that's just stupid.
So Miguel (my bf) is very smart. Type A very logical and good with math, not so much on the creative side. Basically entirely left brained and emotionally challenged. He shows in many ways that he loves me and I love him very much. We've been through a lot he went through depression and is finally getting better now. It was hard for us, we almost didn't make it but I helped him and through it he says I saved him. He is grateful and very in love. And I love him back. The problem? He refuses, nay purposely ignores my points when we argue because he is so stubborn and "scared" of talking. A lot of men are like that. But I really cant handle it anymore.
This is the cycle:
Lets say something is on my mind. Like maybe something stupid like I want to talk to him more through the day but he doesn't answer my texts.
I say "hey you know I'd like us to talk more during the day I get bored and think about you a lot but even when I tell you things you don't answer"
Him "I have nothing to say babe. My life is boring"
Me: "Well you could at least answer or just say bs or something"
He then goes to assume I'm complaining about him and shuts down, stops really talking, gets upset, and of course I notice.
I tell him, "Baby I wasn't complaining I was just telling you how I feel."
He then proceeds to keep being quiet. It's a struggle to get him to say anything and when he does its something clever/mean/or annoyed.
I get sad because this behavior makes me feel bad and ugly and basically like a nag because he just wants the conversation to end. Nothing I say can get him to open up, no telling him I wasn't complaining (that's like trying to convince someone you're not drunk), no asking him what he thinks because he wont answer and basically no feeling/reaction/input from him no matter how much I tell him I just want to have an open conversation, I just want honesty. NOTHING. I have to plead and talk and finally he says hes mad because he feels like I'm always unhappy that nothing he does is enough (i was unhappy until recently because he had depression and was overall a very mean man) but not anymore and I told him that. But he doesn't believe me. He also gets mad because I get sad and ask for his comfort and he says "I don't understand why when I get upset, I still end up having to comfort you!?" He is getting better with his depression, he tells me every day, but no matter how much I shower him in love and affection, I basically am the complainer every time I say anything negative, and nothing that I say can or will change his mind of that so basically I can never tell him honestly how I feel about anything that has to do with him.
Please, please, please, I want to be able to talk to him but I don't want to be the starter of problems and the complainer. Please what can I do? I've tried everything!!!!!! He just cannot and will not LISTEN to anything I say. How can I get him to just listen and not jump to conclusions??????
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From the frustration expressed here I gather this has been a problem for a while and you've tried multiple times in multiple ways to get him to talk to you.
It doesn't sound like he's going to.
The problem here is that it's on him. He has problems, probably worth talking to a therapist about, but he has to recognize that internally and decide himself that he wants to do something about it. I'm sure you've heard the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"
People are like that too. Desire for change has to come from inside, and that includes a desire for the way your relationship works and how you interact to change.
I would imagine that an ultimatum of any kind would just make him shut down and sink into depression. You said his family was a problem, but is there anyone there who you could talk to who could help? Friends? I think that if there was hope it might come from someone else he was more willing to open up to, but I'm also guessing he doesn't really have a confidant if he's not talking to you. Think about whether there is anyone else in his life who he might listen to, anyone else who could help you and maybe approach him with you, kinda intervention style.
Beyond that, you're going to have to figure out whether or not he's functionally capable of meeting your needs. I get the need to be able to talk, you want a friend you can talk to about things as well as a boyfriend, and he's not fitting the bill.
He doesn't want the same things you do. Maybe that will change, maybe he'll come out of this funk he's in, maybe he'll seek therapy. But there's no guarantee that you or your relationship is what could set him on that path. In the end, you might have to end it. Maybe not forever, maybe if he's got some time alone to think he'll realize he wants to get his shit together. And again, maybe not.
Spend some time thinking about what you want and need. Turn that honesty inside and ask yourself if he's ever going to be able to give it to you. And if it comes to an end, continue being honest. Tell him what you need and that you aren't getting it.
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