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Is my best friend in gay denial?
Iv'e been best friends for 8+ years with my flatmate we got that comfortable with each other over that period that we ended up intimate for the past 6 years. It was like a secret relationship as we didn't want anyone to judge us as we are both guys. Since the day we met he has always been very 'touchy feely' with me rather than just talking to me(that's how we ended up together), he would act really camp and was always very hands on. I know that's how he likes to communicate with me about gay stuff as he's more comfortable that way than if he talks about it(in which case he would go very quiet or stutter along until saving himself by using his hands) I noticed during this time he started getting very forgetful about the stuff we were doing, especially the stuff he initiated or said regarding us or anything gay. I asked him about it and he said he's just got a bad memory, period but his memory losses are very selective to this gay subject. Now this went on until 6 months ago when after an argument he shouted at me that he was 100% straight and that I was the 'gay one' as he put it. He also told me that he was and had been seeing a girl for the past 7 months and had also sleep with girls before that also. He went on to say that he didn't want to be with me he wanted her and didn't mind losing anybody or thing around him including me. Now don't get me wrong this break up type news hurt but was copeable as we are both physically attracted to girls we just seemed to have an amazing connection with each other that brought us really really close but the fact he didn't mind cutting me out of his life completely smashed me up inside. After many hours of trying to get him to talk he admitted going with this girl was wrong and that he shouldn't have done stuff behind my back. He didn't want to do gay stuff anymore which was fine by me, I just wanted to save the friendship as did he. Now for the past 6 months his selective memory and gay denial type behaviour has gotten worse, we have been rebuilding the friendship but he has still been doing gay stuff with me and not remembering or saying it was my fault. I have even been telling him no when he tries but he gets so selfish to do what he wants that he just disregards what I'm saying and does whatever he wants us to do. I've spoke to friends for advice about what to do but things are going nowhere, he's currently staying with his mum while (as he says) tries to work out if he's gay or not but he's making no effort to sort things out and just seems to be shrinking my down in his head to help him think he's 100% straight, as he thinks because the physical attraction isn't there with guys then he's straight. I want to help him find himself as I understand first hand what denial can do, yes him and I have made mistakes but I love him to bits and would do anything for him I just want my friend back but his denial is making him hate me and that in turn is killing me and what's left of our friendship.
Any advice would be great as I can't get him to understand what he's doing to us.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First off: Move out. Break the lease. Kick him out. End, forever, the room mate relationship with him. Do NOT welcome him back into your home.
Since you can't manage to say no to sexual activity with this abusive homophobic fool - and I'm sorry, I understand he is your friend and not a horrible human being but he also is an abusive homophobic fool. If he is truly bullying you into sex, it's possible that he is even worse than that.
Maybe your friendship can survive, but it CANNOT survive you living with him, occasionally having sexual contact with him behind his girlfriends back, and then him emotionally abusing you with his selective memory.
The current arrangement will lead to the death of all respect and friendship between you two.
So, no more roommate arrangement, because you need to be safe and respected in your own home, and he has proven beyond any doubt that he cannot do that.
And finally, accept you cannot help him.
He doesn't want your help. He doesn't understand what he is doing do you. He doesn't understand he has abused you. I'm not even sure your realize the nature of his victimization of you.
Right now, you need to put your safety and mental health first. He is on his own path, and if you had the power to change that, you would have managed it by now. But you never had that power.
Be a friend a friend if you want. Keep giving him messages of acceptance and arguing down his homophobia. But also keep yourself at a safe distance from him physically, and make a safe haven of a home for yourself.
You deserve more from a friend and a lover than he has ever been able to give, and you need to demand more, from someone else.
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