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Husband wants me to be more sexual but I'm uncomfortable
Sorry for the length but please still read:
My husband and I have been married 6 years. He is 36 and I am 24 so he came into the marriage with more life experience. Every year we have been married he wants to take our vacations one step further but it seems like I am always the one changing. The first year we were married we went to Daytona everything was great I felt sexy in a normal bikini and we had a good time. Then he buys me all these thong bikinis and insists I wear those when we go to Mexico, and even though I told him I was hesitant, i did. Then the next time we go to Mexico he takes us to a topless resort which I was completely against but after to many drinks and non stop urging I took my top off and hated it. The next time he books a trip, again to Mexico it is at a clothing optional swingers resort (no we are not swingers)!! I told him numerous times I was extremely uncomfortable and I was not getting nude. He loved it! He said he felt free by not having to wear clothes, and he wishes I would let loose and show my body off. Again I told him how uncomfortorable it made me and it was like he didn't hear me. He even wanted us to be intimate on the rooftop while other couples were up there (i absolutly refused). Now he is wanting to book another trip to a resort where one side is clothing optional and the other is not. I tried to talk to him about it and tell him I was not getting nude and we got into a huge argument and have barley spoken since (that was four days ago). I don't know what to do, I feel like my husbands verson of "sexy" is trashy and wrong and I don't want any part of it, but he wont stop pushing me. I really need advice.
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I cannot know what is going on in your husbands mind though DangerNerd may be right in what he said to you.
I am though a firm believer in than anything sexual has to be consensual on the part of both parties. It is plainly obvious you do not consent to being naked with anyone other than your husband or to having sex with anyone other than your husband and that it be in private.
Because of my belief of consent on the part of both parties your husband should abide by your wishes. In my mind forcing you to participate in going to these resorts, to taking of your top is tantamount to rape as rape is defined as forced sexual activity. Going topless can be considered a sexual activity.
What can be done about it. For one thing you have already pointed out that given your age differences your husband has more "Life Experience" than you do. That is no excuse for his behaviour.
The direction he seems to be pushing you in is going to harm your marriage if it has not already done so. My advice would be to seek marriage counseling and try to workout this problem. Hopefully the counselor can make him understand then need for consent and why he should not be badgering you to consent. At the same time you may find out why he feels your sex life need Togo in the direction he is trying to steer it in.
Through counseling you should be Abe to work this problem out. It is not insurmountable.
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Hi there,
I am guessing you already know what is happening here, but you are afraid to say it out loud:
Your husband is grooming you to become a swinger.
Everything he is doing is leading up to something else, and you know it. That is probably why this feels so wrong to you.
This isn't about you being more sexual... this is about him getting you to have sex with other people, and presumably so that he can also have sex with others. Maybe he wants to watch other people have sex with you, and has no want to join in... but does that make it any better?
Being sexual with your spouse is a wonderful and joyous thing, and, frankly, if it were in the bounds of your marriage, I don't see much wrong with anything you both enjoy.
The key here is BOTH.
If you listen to nothing else I said, please hear this: This isn't something you are likely to be able to talk out on your own.
There are counselors that deal with sex addiction as well as general intimacy issues in marriage. My advice would be to see a professional about this. You should try and do this together, but if he absolutely will not go, then you are going to have to go by yourself.
There are three possibilities that jump out at me as to why this is being done:
1) He misunderstood something you said or did up to now as you showing interest in alternative sexual lifestyles.
2) He had always planned to do this, because it is normal to him, and it is what HE needs to be happy sexually.
3) He may feel that you are sexually repressed, and wants to let the genie out of the bottle.
If it is #3, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you... it just means that his idea of a good time involves swinging, nude resorts and whatever else you haven't found out about yet... while your idea of a good time might not ever involve leaving the house.
It doesn't make you bad, or wrong for being this way... just makes you two sexually incompatible.
There is a great deal that can be worked through in therapy for this exact situation, and I suggest you get some support ASAP.
In the mean time, here is a little more advice:
Do NOT do anything else that makes you horribly uncomfortable. You will only grow to resent him more, and damage what chance there still is to fix this.
Good luck to you.
P.S. If you can, look at his past relationships and see how they ended up. If you see a pattern to all of this, then you are probably in trouble.
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You have every right to be upset and annoyed. Him not so much. To me it looks like he wants to show you off? He's 36 and married to a 24 year old. It just sounds like he wants to take you to all these exotic places to show that he's still got or that look over here my wife's hot! Now to him he thinks he's complimenting you, saying flaunt your body because your beautiful etc. but it's very obvious that to you its a violation. You need to have a talk with him, a very serious one at that. You do the talking first. Don't let him speak till your done. Don't argue, don't shout, talk. Say that it makes you uncomfortable, that you only feel like your body should be shared with him and him only. That when he practically forces you to strip you feel to some extent violated, cheap and trashy. That rather than making you want to take your clothes off and be comfortable and flaunt everything you want to do the complete opposite and recoil into yourself and hold onto your clothes for dear life. You need to get stern with your husband because before you know it this could separate you guys if not taken care of.
Hope this helps Good Luck xx
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