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My Husband and I are constantly arguing and haven't had sex in 6 months !!!
I feel like I am trapped !
My Husband and I are constantly arguing and I don't think that I love him anymore.
We bicker about stupid things and he constantly frustrates me.
We have been together for nearly 16 years and married for nearly ten. It is the second marriage for both of us and we are in our early fifties.
At first we loved one another deeply and had a good sex life. He was caring and understanding and was a really nice caring person.
Things started going wrong a few years ago...I can't remember when or why. It was probably a slow degeneration.
Although he seems like the perfect Husband from an outsiders point of view..as he helps around the house, doesn't go out drinking with the boys or gamble and works hard.....I am really bored by him, and don't feel like we are matched intellectually. We argue most, about the fact that he just doesn't listen to me, and this then turns me into a nag !
We went shopping yesterday, and we had a conversation in the car on the way into town...which by the time we had got home, he had completely forgotten what I had said ! This happens on a daily basis...and he doesn't understand how frustrating this is, for me. I have told him that I have concerns about the fact that he might have the early stages of dementia..but he doesn't think so. However, he has a short term memory problem..that is difficult to deal with on a daily basis.
We also argue about the fact that he has no ambitions or goals in life and very much lets life wash all over him. I am much more of a go getter and I often feel that nothing would get done...if I didn't do them. I seem to organise everything that we do, from days out, to meals to holidays and everything inbetween.
He knows there is a huge problem in our marriage..as we have talked about it loads, but he won't go with me and get any outside help. It feels as though it is always me that is trying to sort out our differences and I am getting emotionally exhausted by it all.
We haven't had sex now for nearly six months and sleep in seperate bedrooms...as he works nights and also keeps me awake with his snoring. He doesn't seem very concerned about this..but I am.
The marriage seems to be getting worse and worse and I don't know how much more unhappiness I can take.
I keep telling him what I think is wrong..but he sticks his head in the sand and hopes that the problem will go away, if he ignores it.
We own a house together, and if I move out (becuase he won't) I have nowhere to go. I don't have any family in the area...and I certainly couldn't go to his family.
I don't know what to do !!!! Help.
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Like Zane mentioned counselling would probably help. Considering he is s accepting of the fact that he might be in the early stages of dementia. His lack of a sex drive, ambition, short term memory loss and the other things you mentioned could all be systemic of early stages of dementia.
If your husband is in the early stages of dementia, possibly Alzheimer's he will not get better he can only get worse. There are medications that can slow the process but he has to see a doctor.
Divorce will solve your problem but who will care for him? Will his family care for him? There are groups that can help you deal with what is happening too you by virtue of what is happening to him. If he is suffering from some sort of dementia as he continues to decline these groups offer continued support and even help with care giving to the point of offering care giving relief so you can have some time off for yourself.
Unfortunately I don't see your sex life coming back. That is one of the problems inherent in dementia. But before you throw the marriage away make sure of your reason(s) and force your husband to see a doctor and get a proper diagnoses.
Once you have a proper diagnose you can make proper decisions. If your husband is suffering from dementia and it progresses quickly you may have to put him in a care facility. Here again you will be faced with choices, but they will be informed choices.
Once you have a diagnoses the two of you need to see a lawyer while you husband is still in the early stages of this disease. This will allow the two of you to make proper plans to protect your assets in the event you have to place your husband in a care facility. A lawyer will also advise you and your husband on the proper legal paperwork needed for your husband to layout instructions for the care he desire.
I may not have offered you the advice you seek. Hopefully I have offered you the advice you need.
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I would generally recommend marriage counseling but because you stated at the end of your statement "but he won't go with me and get any outside help" I am going to have to say I believe your last straw is filing for divorce. Relationships/Marriage should be 50/50 as a relationship is partnership were we help one another, support them and communicate. If your husband is no longer willing to put in the effort be supportive then the marriage is doomed.
You could try and a discussion with him and see if you can come to an agreement to go to counseling but if the conversations fails there is only one last route.
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