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Telling your boyfriend about being raped
I recently told my boyfriend that I was raped and this may sound funny, but he didn't react the way I thought he would. He was like" Oh I'm sorry baby", but his actions make me think that all he really cared about is getting me comfortable enough to get in my pants. Was I wrong to tell him? I feel like he is using that against me. I tell him I don't want to do things, and by the end of the night he has gotten me to do things. I feel like I can't tell him no because the last time I did I got raped. I'm afraid. What do I do?? Please help if you can.
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I am very sorry you were raped. Rape is probably the worst trauma a women can ever endure and should never happen to you or any other women. Most important please understand you did not do anything to cause your being raped. Saying no is not a cause for rape. You are a victim not a cause.
You were not wrong in telling your boyfriend, you expected him to comfort you. Instead all he wanted was sex. This to was wrong and based on what you have written and why you may have given into him; tells me you were in essence raped again. You gave in out of fear of being raped again.
If you have sex with a man because you are afraid to say no for fear of being raped. In my mind you are being raped again each time you give in to someone because of that fear. This is not consensual sex as I would describe it. If your consent is out of fear of being raped for saying no, then you are being raped, again in my mind.
It sounds to me as if you were date raped; "I feel like I can't tell him no because the last time I did I got raped." This means you know the person that raped you. This means that if you have not reported the rape each time you see this person you relive the rape all over again.
If you were my daughter and I'm probably old enough to be your grandfather this is what I would be trying to get you to do.
First: I would ask you to bring charges against this young man for the rape. Yes, I know some time has probably past since the rape and the forensic evidence is properly gone. Still you need to trust the police and prosecutors to find evidence and possibly others he may have date raped with which to build a case or cause him to plead guilty.
Second: If you have not had rape counseling you need to get some. The rape will never go away. It is something that happened to you. You need to learn to deal with it in a manner that will allow you to have a normal life and sex life. Not a sex life where you have to have sex to avoid being raped. That is not a sex life that's avoidance and that can not be pleasurable for you.
There is an organization called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They operate a 24/7 hotline staffed by volunteers who will talk with you and help you find professional in your home town who can help you learn to deal with what has happened. Their phone number is 1-800-656-HOPE. Please call them and let them help you.
You cannot forget what has happened to you. You can learn how to probably live with what has happened and to take control of your life and sex life so you can enjoy both.
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