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Too... Kinky?? It makes me feel unfaithful, even when I haven't done anything. And it makes me feel objectified.
20/f
CAUTION: I know there are some young people on this website, THIS IS AN ADULT QUESTION! Only people 18 and older please :)
My boyfriend likes to talk about other people when we're having sex. He likes talking about other guys that want to have sex with me, which guys "jack off" to me, and so on. He also likes to talk about watching me have sex with another man. He says he wants to watch me go down on another man, and other sexual acts, as he watches. He wants me to talk about people I hooked up with in the past, very graphically. He says he likes it because he likes that I'm desirable, but it seems degrading to me.
I hate it. I love him. I love him SO MUCH, and I absolutely hate the thought of any other man touching me. I look at sex as something special I only share with him, and I'm OK with being dirty with him... but when he talks about other people I feel so uncomfortable. The second I start to picture someone else.. I'm turned off. And he wants me to talk about it, a lot, and I have to stop enjoying sex to concentrate to make up some sick story that I think he'd like....... it makes sex not enjoyable for me.
The worst part is that now I think about other men, and it upsets me. We talk about it during sex now when I see those men I'm attracted to them, and it makes me feel very guilty - even though he's OK with it.
I've talked to him over and over again. I've been very blunt about saying I hate it, and have stopped in the middle of sex because of it, but he continues to do it. I don't think he can help it... I think it's the only thing that turns him on.
I want to please him, so I thought maybe I'd try to join him in it, but I'm really unhappy. It makes me feel unfaithful, even when I haven't done anything. And it makes me feel objectified.
What should I do? It's a really big issue, mostly because we're different in a big way, but I am very in love with him and I want it to work. Should I relax and be more open? Or tell him he has to change who he is??
Sorry for the length, thank you for your time.
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It would appear that he really doesn't care how this makes you feel. That's a major red flag. If you have told him forcefully and blunt that you aren't into this than he should have stopped. It shows he's not concerned about what it's doing to you emotionally.
If I were you I would tell him that because he hasn't respected your wishes that you no longer will engage in sexual activity unless he knocks it off. The thing is this may just be built into him and how he is. It doesn't look to me like he's going to change for good at least.
As much as you love him I think it's coming down to a final decision. Either he stops this behavior with you or you move on. Never back down from what you know is right here.
Another concern is that if this is what he's into, doesn't care about your feelings etc. what's to say that he won't act on his own fantasy and want to make this reality? There's something there about him and this that's beyond you and not right.
I know you want to make it work but ask yourself these questions first and then lay down the gauntlet and tell him where things stand period. No means No when you told him before. If he doesn't get it it's because you haven't really enforced it and how you feel and make him see the consequences. That's my take.
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If you're feeling degraded, objectified and unhappy, things are not good the way they are. If he's not accepting your requests to stop talking like this, then he's not respecting you, and that is a big problem.
My husband has a particular kink that I'm really not into (just like I have kinks he's not into). He tried to get me involved, and boy did I ever try in the sake of open-mindedness, but I felt it was degrading and didn't like it. So now he relegates it to his "alone time", and we're both happy. It's a give and take sort of thing.
He doesn't have to change who he is. He just has to focus his interests elsewhere. A compromise is definitely in order. You two have to decide what works for you, but if one partner is unhappy and uncomfortable and the other is just not getting what they want, the unhappy one gets priority. Maybe if your boyfriend understands that you've considered leaving him because of this difference, that would open his ears. If he won't stop introducing it while you're mid-coitus, then just stop having sex with him until such a time as he can behave himself and respect your requests. I'm not an advocate of withholding sex as a punishment: it's just that his refusal to comply with your request makes sex totally unappealing to you, so you should protect yourself.
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