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12 year old deviant in the house
I'm staying with people like family at the moment and I have been having trouble living with the deviant 12 year old. She's been spoiled and is never really punished. She has been diagnosed with defiant disorder, adhd, and etc. She never takes her meds according to what she tells me. I often feel like I'm walknig on eggshells when I'm around her. To me, she exbits behavior similar to one with narcissism and antisocial disorder. She was adopted at 4mnths and her natural mother was into drugs and alcohal according to what I've heard and had given up several babies from different men. It seems to me she tries often to dehumanize people so that she can put herself in higher jurisdiction. She has no regard to how she appears to anyone. She lies, manipulates, and sometimes borrows without asking if she knows she won't get in trouble for it. She often tries to seek weaknesses in others to use for her manipulation. She often displays little or no expressions when I speak to her and she acts unaffected when her mother grounds her. I rarely see genuine actions except when she's upset or lonely. She is very cut throat when her parents or even me tell her she's doing wrong behavior. She uses the distraction technique when her mother approaches her in not minding her. She often tries to win in those situations and to me, it seems she really does most of the times because she's untangible. She doesn't care about getting in trouble... it's "no big deal." She doesn't fear authority and does not feel punishment. She also has no regard for one's privacy and often infringes another's space without care. ShIn conversation, when it comes to getting what she wants, she will say anything whether it works or not doesnt matter to her. She would quickly move into another approach and goes off the emotion of whom she's asking until she has reached them and they give her what she asked. I've known her her whole life. She's always been a trouble maker and she use to throw extreme tantrums every morning. She has also fetal alcohal syndrome, it's apparent in her features. I find it difficult some days when she's her worst. Know of any solutions to help her straighten up? I really can't do much about it because I'm not her mother and her mother is very stubborn. I need to know some techniques for myself so I do not get so frustrated to the point I feel out of control.
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I pray to God that you did not do this: "What you can do is sit her down when she's not acting this way and tell her that she would do much better at school and at home if she reacted differently in certain situations and asked herself to calm down, think, and then react differently and give her examples not attacking of what she could do better and when she was inappropriate."
In my opinion, all that is going to do is piss the girl right off. Especially when the girl has fetal alcohal syndrome and adhd. I don't know this girl personally, but I have worked with difficult children before. Honestly, in my opinion, if you want the child to listen to you or at least have an ounce of respect for you, you need to make a personal connection first. You need to build a relationship with her somehow to the point where she feels as if she can trust you in a more personal way. It appears she gives the house a very negative atmosphere. Don't allow anything she does to bother you - or allow her see that it bothers you anyway, because that is what she is looking for. Some sort of emotion from you. She wants attention. She probably wants other things too, but almost every child strives for some sort of attention. Her way of getting attention is by acting out. So give her attention. Lots of it. But by being interested in her life. Or play a game with her. Or tell her a story about yourself ( a true one or just make it up to make yourself sound cool-she doesnt know)
She may act like she is unaffected when her mother grounds her but she is actually greatly impacted by it. She has gotten into a routine where she feels as if she is so good at misbehaving that being good would give her too much attention from her family. That they would really notice her good behaviour... If that makes any sense.
And yes, your attitude towards this girl is very negative but why the hell wouldnt it be. She's being a little shit and its making you frustrated. Try looking for the good qualities in her. Or maybe past memories of her that are more poitive.
Find something that she is interested in, and become interested in it too. Allow her to teach you things about something she is interested in. Ask her questions about it.
Another thing, try your very hardest to not raise your voice at her when you get in a disagreement or if she is misbehaving again. If you dont do that already then you're good. If you are trying to tell her something important or youre pissed at her, look her dead in the eye. Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact.
Nobody can really make her straghten up, regardless of her disorders she is still a 12 year old girl. In my opinion, one of the most difficult ages. Its her decision whetehr she even wants to change. Just help her find that she even has that decision, and help her make the right one somehow. Every child is different. Good luck.
-sAmeMistAke
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Your outright hatred of this girl is extremely troubling and disgusting in my opinion. You aren't helping her or yourself with the way you think of her and describe her here. Such resentment and pure hate will only hurt you--and actually make you sick. It's poison and exactly like drinking a glass of Draino.
You NEED to throw that perspective of her out the window. Approach her with LOVE no matter what she may do that pisses you off. You haven't grasped at least not fully that this behavior is a core part of her medical problem and not something she has control of easily if at all. The issue is that she cannot see how her behavior is wrong in any way, shape or form as the disorder tells her she's right and others wrong.
What you can do is sit her down when she's not acting this way and tell her that she would do much better at school and at home if she reacted differently in certain situations and asked herself to calm down, think, and then react differently and give her examples not attacking of what she could do better and when she was inappropriate. Some not all things need to slide where acceptable.
You can't discipline her as that's up to her parents who believe me have been through a lot with her over the behavior and disorders and know that it's mostly how she is. Some of it can be changed with professional help but who is to say they haven't been doing that with her? You can point out what upsets you but if anything is done it has to be by them. Getting in the middle to much could lead to a big problem for you with their resentment. Try what I suggested as it's helpful to her and you but beyond that it's not your place to fix her situation.
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The only thing that I can say is that the whole family has to go see a psychologist to help the girl and also for the whole family to know how to deal with the issue. I can't say much since your issue is a fragile one and needs very close attention. I hope that everything works out because for one person to help another person who has very serious mental or psychological problems is extremely difficult to work with.
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