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Pain of loneliness
I really appreciate what you said to me and for elaborating the way you did.but see,i have tried to connect,all my life i have but as i said,for some reason i'm just easily forgotten about.i told some of my family members that i'm frustated but they are very ignorant when it comes to these things,they see it as nothing more but just a phase that will eventually pass,maybe people just don't understand me.i have let my anger out before more than once,last year i hit a window and still have some marks on my hand but it only remedied my situation temporarily.i am just confused because theres nothing weird about me as a person,i'm smart,active and in shape and i'm not unatractive or anyting.and i can answer your question about my cutting,it doesn't make me feel better,but i dn't do it to feel better,i do it out of frustation,it feels like i have purpose when i do it,so i dn't see it as an evil cycle,it's just my way of expressing what i feel,i don't enjoy it,i want to stop but i dn't know any other way to express myself,do you understand this?i just don't know any better but i know it does me no good.i have thought about just puling the triger before but i care about my family,i'll never have enough courage to do that to them, so i'm sort of trapped.i don't know where all this started but maybe it's my past that formed my future.my dad has been in jail for as long as i can remember,he got out last year but not a week went by and back he went.it's easy to blame everything on him but i'm not that kind of person,i dn't blame my problems on others.so i hope you understand me a little better now,
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Hey again :)
Yeah I understand much better now I was afraid I might come across to harsh or like I was trying to blame you for the way things are for you but I just didn't understand totally there was some things unclear.
You remind me a lot of my sister in some ways, she tells me people forget about her. She makes friends but they always end up moving on or hurting her even though she has a great personality and is very pretty for years she was lonely never had a boyfriend and not many friends. where as me and my other sister were the outgoing ones. I put it down to her unwilling to get out there but she explains that she does she just finds friends with the wrong people. She was always shy around guys too because she was badly bullied as a child. She always says how things go wrong for her in life and everything comes easy to me and my other sister. It breaks my heart because she is honestly an amazing person she lashes out at us alot and it can hurt but I know its her way of coping.
Im telling you this because not so long ago she actually met her current boyfriend who believe it or not is like her in every way. Couldn't connect with people was also bullied..and now they are having a child together it wasn't planned and shes only 22 but she is delighted she finally feels like her life is going somewhere. Although she doesn't have say the close friends that I would be fortunate to have.
I guess what im trying to say is if you try and stay positive maybe you will connect with the right people it happens for so many.
How old are you?If you don't mind me asking are you still in school or in college or working?
it breaks my heart that you have contemplated suicide it really does. The world can be a cruel dark place. The people who don't take the time to see what a great person you are,are the ones missing out its THEIR loss. Never give up trying to make friends trying to show people who you are.
the fact that you said you couldn't actually commit suicide for fear of hurting your family,even though they have been ignorant to you shows immense strength. Also the fact that you don't blame other people i.e your father for things shows compassion. I don't know if you realize that but I hope you do.
Your family do not mean to be ignorant I guess they just don't understand it took me a while to understand things from my sisters perspective.
Have you tried chatting to people online? I know that might sound a little gay but sometimes its so much easier to try connect with people and talk to them build up a friendship (obviously you have to be careful) but I actually have a lot of friends on the net. Then maybe that would help you to show people who you are and that your not someone to be forgotten about.
You seem to realize your good qualities like as you said your personality your attractive etc.
Theres a lot more I would love to say but I am strapped for time at the moment. Please right back if you can identify with anything I said :)
Im here any time you wanna talk :D
-Jess
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