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My mind seems to be distorted recently.
I've been going up and down with psychological problems. I have an eating disorder, which is more than likely endos. But lately, I've been restricting for the past 2 weeks, basically fasting on water, and purging the bits I eat on days I choose to. So my mind's been a bit foggy. I'm trying to fix that, but what has been bothering me lately is. I can't seem to make any sense of the reason I'm doing this. I just know apart from wanting to be thin, it's not so I can be a pretty thin girl, but to try to look like a thin boy? It really makes me feel stupid and crazy. I'm not sure what my sexuality is and I don't really care. I just wish I was or at least looked like a boy. But it's a specific type of boy. You know, those scrawny, tall, dorky, cute looking boys. I don't really know what I'm asking. I'm sorry, but it's starting to really agitate me. I see myself and I try to change but fall back, why do I wish to look like that. I think I'm just psychotic.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You are dealing with a lot. Its quite obvious from this letter that your mind is foggy, but I give you credit for reaching out. You need to see a professional right away. You admit it, you are not in any condition to understand what's happening or what you need to do to fix it. Start with your doctor. Make an appointment, lie about why if anyone asks an you don't want to tell. Just get there. When you tell your doctor what you said here, he/she will be able to help you with the next steps. What you're doing is dangerous. You seem to recognize that, so that's good. But there's no way you'll be able to figure this out alone. Go find help. Do it now before you do permanent damage to yourself. I promise, you'll never regret reaching out for help. Summon the strength and get to the doctor right away. Good luck.
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You are not psychotic. I do believe, however, that you are a little too involved in your looks. Why do you have to look "scrawny" and "tall" to be the person you want to be? Especially when it's putting your health in jeopardy. Looking a certain way will not necessarily give you the personality you want. These are two separate things. Work on your personality if you'd like, but having to match that personality to your body just means you want to be a stereotype. Don't be afraid to surprise people by having a personality that contrasts your appearance.
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