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forget about love
This might be long but I just need someone to hear me out.
I am not a young immature teenage girl who thinks i fell in love.
I met my ex boyfriend 5 years ago and the sparks were immediate we fell in love and spent 3 long years together and then 2 on and off. he was not always faithful and he would toy with me a lot, but we always had this intense chemistry. He left me for girl number 1 but would always come back to me and sleep with me telling me that he wanted me back but it was never true. We dated on and off like this with so many different girls in between for years and I loved him so much. We went to the same college and we were trying it out again and he told me i needed to let him in and he would be there for me forever and the reasons he cheated on me was because i was too guarded ( which i was). I finally thought i let him in but a week later he stopped talking to me all together and was with another girl at our school. I felt like he purposely tried to find me every time he was with her just to taunt me and this time he didt come back and talk to me once or twice but never like he used to. I hadn't spoken to him in months, but i still thought of him everyday. He texted me out of the blue telling me how horrible she was and he was ending it. A few weeks later we video chatted and he told me it was over with her and he persuaded me to well expose myself for him. The next day i found out that he was with her still. I feel so betrayed that to him i am nothing but a random girl that he can use to get off. The sad part is i still feel a large attachment to him that i cant shake i love him still and he cant even respect me. I've tried to date but boys only see me as a booty-call. for example at work the other day i heard some customers saying that I look like a " good lay" but too stupid to be a girlfriend. Im not stupid Im top of my class. I admit i let some boys take advantage of me while i was trying to get over my ex because i wanted to feel wanted. Now i'm in a horrible place where i feel like i will never get over this guy if i feel like no one will ever genuinely want me. Any ideas about how to give off a vibe that will attract the proper type of guys ( i don't dress provocatively or anything). How do I forget about someone i love who clearly doesnt care about me. time is not working.
Thank-you
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Okay, let me tell you a story.
I have this friend, we'll call her Amy. Amy is gorgeous, funny, fun to be around, kind, generous, and wonderful in so many ways, I could probably write a five page paper all about how awesome she is.
However, Amy has a problem. She is forever dating losers. Wait, let me rephrase that... Amy is forever falling in love with losers. And Amy is the type of person that, once she loves someone she gives herself to them completely, bends over backward to make them happy, compromises, sacrifices, and hangs on as tight as she can for as long as she can.
And you know what happens? Guys treat her like shit. Seriously, EVERY guy she has ever loved has treated her like garbage. They cheat on her, break up with her yet continue to lead her on, until they finally leave her. She doesn't dress like a slut, infact, I don't think she's slutty at all.
If you asked me why Amy's love life is in the state it's in, I would tell you how her father neglected and verbally abused her... I'd tell you how he wounded her self-esteem. I would tell you that ever since then, she's secretly thought that something is really wrong with her... And because she believes something is wrong with her (even though there's nothing wrong with her at all) she latches on to the first guy that pays attention to her and she hangs on no matter how he abuses her.
If you asked my boyfriend the same question he would answer: because she's a bimbo. No, really... He said that to me one night. I remember my mouth falling open in silent outrage, and, once I had collected myself, I demanded that he explain himself. This is what he told me: Amy is a bimbo because she would do ANYTHING to keep a guys attention, no matter how degrading. Guys cheat on her because they know they can get away with it and still sleep with her later. Basicly, guys treat her like garbage because they know they can. And because Amy is a bimbo, no guy is going to seriously consider trying to have a relationship with her. Guys want to _date_ girls that are confident and that respect themselves.
The truth is, both my boyfriend and I are right about Amy.
No, you're not stupid. And I believe you when you say that you don't dress like a slut. The problem is that you've let too many guys treat you like an object because you don't love yourself the way you should. If you really want to change this...
First of all, take some time off from dating. If you're still mourning the loss of your ex, you don't need to be seeing anyone else. Why? Because it's unfair to them and you. If you try to bury the hurt you're feeling now and distract yourself with someone else, that hurt is NOT going to go away. You may not feel it all the time, but it's in there somewhere, way down deep inside. And the longer it remains there without being acknowledged, the more it festers. So, grieve your loss. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Get angry. Write him angry letters that you will never send. Call him every nasty name and list every reason why he was WRONG and stupid to treat you the way he did. Beat your pillow. Buy a nerf bat and go to town on some furniture. And, when you are exhausted...
Get up and go stand in front of a mirror. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart, and a good person and you deserve someone that values you. Make a pact with yourself... Tell yourself that you are not going to settle for some moron that can't properly see how wonderful you really are. Spend some time alone getting to know yourself. When you can tell me ten things that you really like about yourself... When you can tell me that you don't need a man because you're just fine and quite happy all by yourself...
Then you are ready to date.
The first thing that you should know about dating is that it is a numbers game. Unfortunately, the sucky guys out-number the good guys so, chances are you're going to meet a rotten egg before you meet a keeper. The good thing about confident, happy by yourself YOU, is that YOU are going to weed out a large number of the losers on sight. But never trust sight alone...
Think of the first few dates you go on with a guy as a series of interviews. You're here to get to know him, to find out if you like him and whether or not you think the two of you are compatible. If you meet some guy you _think_ might be special, don't rush into a relationship. Take your time. Go slow. If he really likes you and thinks you're relationship material, he'll hang in there. He won't try to push you into having sex because he'll respect you. (That's why waiting for sex is important. Think of it as a test he has to pass.)
And once you're boyfriend and girlfriend... Listen carefully cause this is important and so many people forget what I'm about to say... Don't let him start treating you like dirt. The difference between a bimbo and lady is simple: a bimbo lets men treat her like garbage, a lady does not. Stay a lady. Trust me, the right guy will treat you like the lady you are.
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Awww! I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I've definitely been in your situation before, minus the getting back multiple times part! [No no no, that's a lie too =P] But I'm glad you've posted here which tells us that you really want to stop being involved with this guy, and you're right to because [this might hurt a little] he's using you. Don't worry about being too guarded or too whatever, don't listen to ANY excuses he gives you to get back with you because he's been wasting YOUR time. Spending 5 years together is a long time (2 of which were on and off, I bet he gave you a bunch of excuses to get back with you and you have him a bunch of chances, which he doesn't deserve), and there may be a lot of chemistry and a lot of happy times but you're obviously not happy with the way things are going now. [Don't think he's going to change, miracles like that never happen - I have yet to seen one.] If he's off spending time with other girls instead of you, you should've already kicked him to the curve.
But anyway, since you're asking about how to attract the proper guy, then my first advice to you would be to get over this guy whom you're in love with completely before moving on into a relationship because when you think you're over him and you start a relationship with a new guy who's been really good to you and all that, then all of a sudden this guy comes back into the picture again, there's a possibility that he might ruin that new relationship that you've created and you'll be right back to where you started, heartbroken with your ex. Never date people to get over anyone, because it hurts them and most importantly it hurts you too!
Boys are always like that, booty-call and what not. But don't let them take advantage of you. That's where you'll lose your respect. Don't give anything to anyone easily. [I think its the music industries fault, have you REALLY sat down and listened to these lyrics? it degrades women to dogs and shit! ...and we still jam to it. Lmao.] "Proper" guys are very hard to find. But take your time. You still have to get over your ex first. The best thing to do is to be occupied, I'm sure you've heard this often and I'm really sorry but this is the only thing that you can do! I wish there was an easier way to get rid of heartaches, but love is a really precious thing and you can't really have that without risking a lot right? Find something you love, hobbies, television shows, hang out with your friends. When you feel like you miss him find a way to be around someone, whether its your mom, dad, sister, family, friends, or whoever and talk to them. I don't know if you've heard of this website it's called stumbleupon.com and basically it lets you pick all your interests [comedy, philosophy, design, animals, mythology, photography, ANYTHING] and it redirects you to websites of those interests, while still remaining on their page. It's really awesome and it's easy to get absorbed into it. So you can give that site a try to occupy your mind when you're thinking of him.
This is going to be hard, but you really have to let time do the work for you. It starts off REALLY slow, but you'll eventually get there. It's like a snowball effect, if you start up a hill the snowball will start out really small, but once you get down to the bottom of the hill it gets bigger.
Anyway, this is all I can offer and say to you, but I REALLY do hope for the best.
If you ever need someone to talk to them you can also feel free to inbox me! =] I wish you the best!
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