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How will they take it if i tell them i cut myself ?
you see they always looked at me that im the strong person. im the oldest , 16 of my sisters and brother.. and now i they found out that i couldnt take it all this time.. im scared what my grandma will say to me.. how she will think of mee.. im scared .. im so scared
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Sometimes as parents we forget that our children are going through a lot as well as we are. I can only imagine that they would be heart broken to know you are suffering inside so much. I don't think they have any idea what you are dealing with because so much is going on with your brother right now.
Let me share a little about me. I was adopted at age 2 by a single parent (mother) she was a very loving mother and I thank God everyday for her. That being said my mother is a conselor and she listens and gives advice to people dealing with all kinds of different situations. But what bothered me was that she was so sympathetic and seemingly concerned for others and how they felt about life but when it came to me it was like I had to just stay strong and "deal with it". For example if I were to say my back hurts. Her response would be , "you're not the only one with a hurt back". So over time I learned not to share how I felt with her and eventually I really was afraid to open up to her at all. Fast forward to my adult years. I told my mom how I felt distant from her and she was so sorry that she made me feel like I couldn't come to her. She says all the time that she wished I would have just let her know when I was going through problems becasue she would have helped me anyway possible.
My guess is that your family will be the same. They think you are the "strong one" so they probably feel they don't have to put as much emphasis on your feelings especially because you are the oldest. Adults and parents are not perfect. They are dealing with brand new situations that didn't come with an instruction guide on how to handle them. In my heart I dont think they will be angry with you but rather sad that they made you feel abandoned with so much pressure on your shoulders from day to day.
Your grandmother loves you she will not think anything bad of you. It seems most grandparents care more for their grandkids than their own kids. Perhaps you don't have to be completely forth coming with the whole situation but to slowly open up the communication and first tell her that you are unhappy and stressed out. That you care so much for your little brother but you are so worried about life in general that it is causing you a great amount of stress and depression. Then you can slowly lead into how your feelings are affecting your mental state. If you don't feel you will cut yourself again perhaps you don't have to tell her right now. Becasue I promise you your grandmother will feel very hurt and probably feel that she failed you in some way. However, if you do think you may hurt yourself again go ahead and share a bit of this with her and see about getting some counseling. Counseling won't automatically fix your problems but it will let you express yourself and have time to work through your own fears. Eevryone deserves to be heard and loved. You can't continue being that strong person everyone knows you to be if you don't deal with your own issues first. You can't be that wonderful supporter for your brother if you are emotionally distressed.
When I was your age life was hard and it seems it has only gotten that much more difficult. Too many unreasonable expectations. People can't just live and be happy from the simple things of life anymore it seems.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but it won't be this way forever. Don't lose hope. Your family needs you and you need them. Don't worry or be afraid. I am with you anytime you need to vent. I won't forget you I promise.
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