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Porn in monogamous relationships
So, my boyfriend has had an issue with escaping into gaming and porn. It got so bad at one point, that he would turn me down on a fairly regular basis, but was jerking off daily at work in the bathroom.
We had a lot of fights/tears over this, I asked him to cut back and every time he said he would, but if I looked at his phone, he hadnt. He told me I can check any time, but of course I'm sure he can edit his history. He has always told me he would never edit his history.
Recently, we had such a huge fight over all of this, to the point that I was very upset and sick about all of this, and wondering whether I could live this way. He promised that he would do his best to stay away, that he would massively cut back.
Just the other night, he volunteered straight up that he "cant remember the last time he masturbated". And I havent checked his phone, or computer, so I wouldnt know, as I have been trying to trust in what he says and not focus on that.
Today, I come home from work, and while we usually spend the mornings together, he had a whole hour and a half without me. So as he had said I could, I opened up the computer.
Unfortunately for him, he wasnt smart enough to realize that if you edit your internet history, you should probably close the history tab, and click "done editing history". So its google chrome, so I immediately click "new tab" and "recently closed" and sure enough, he'd edited out looking at porn.
You know, I expected him to cut back, not become a nun. He knows that. If he's now editing though, I cant trust he's even cutting back, just that he's lying to me and humoring me. I fear if I asked over the next couple days, I would get a similar response of not remembering the last time he did it, or some such nonsense.
My question is this. Am I just supposed to find a way to accept it? I'm having a lot of trouble with this. I love him, I want to be with him, but I have a real issue with the way porn has affected our relationship, and want it at least mostly out of the equation, at least for a while. But now he's editing his history and still looking.
Do I accept it, or keep fighting? Is there even any point in fighting something when he can hide his tracks whenever he wants? I cant trust that he wont edit it, at this point.
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I'd like to explain that it is perfectly normal for men to watch porn and masturbate. Infact, I would worry if I met a man that honestly DID NOT watch porn or masturbate. Most of the time, this behavior is normal, even healthy, and has very little to do with you. You are not competing with the internet or his right hand... It's just something to do when he's horny and you're not around.
However, when porn and masturbation start to effect YOUR sex life, that's when it has officially become a problem. (I know from personal experience.) You said that at one point he was turning you down on a regular basis and jerking off instead. That's not good and you've got a right to be upset about that.
But, but, but... What's going on now? If you two aren't having problems in the sack anymore, maybe you should ignore the occasional porn search. If that's not the case...
I understand that you love him and that breaking up is hard. (Been there, done that, own the t-shirt and matching pants.) But if this continues to be a problem, you might be better off kicking him to the curb. The reason I say this is because, if he'd rather masturbate than have sex with a real girl, he might be addicted to porn. If he is addicted to porn, there is little you can do to solve the problem--it's something he has to fix himself. We all like to believe that love will conquer all. The truth is, you can love someone to bits but you can't change who they are or solve their problems if they aren't willing to help themselves first.
As for the sexual advice in the previous posts... If you decide to stay and would like to spice things up in the bedroom, trying anything that doesn't make you uncomfortable is just fine. However, spicing things up doesn't mean that you have to watch porn with him. You could try giving him a massage, wearing a sexy outfit, etc. One of the things that I have done recently: every now and then I stumble upon one of those Cosmo-ish articles about sex and 'What Men Want.' I save the articles I like and show them to my boyfriend later to find out what he thinks. The best way to please your partner is simple: ask. Have a conversation about it and try to be open with each other.
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I like the advice doctortammy gave you. It may not be that you are not satisfying your man sexually. It may just be that he gets a different type of release from masturbation that you cannot get from intercourse.
Have you ever thought of just coming into the bedroom one night in your most sexy outfit and saying. Just lay back and let me please you tonight. Then you can take care of him with a nice long handjob or combine a handjob with oral sex.
When my wife and I first got married she told me I could look at the menu but I could not reorder. She knew and knows men like to look at women. There were even times she would point out women on the street saying something like, "would you look at the chest on that women" or "what would you give to have her in our bed." Of course sharing our bed with someone has never happened but has led to many fantasies and some great sex.
She has done the same with porn. She even indulges with me. Watching DVDs with me which always leads to great sex, trying new positions we see on the DVD and even her consenting to trying things she never thought she would ever consent to.
Their is nothing wrong with porn in its proper prospective. It does not always mean you are not loved by your boyfriend or that you are deficient in anyway in the bedroom. Men are just wired differently then women are. Today it is porn on the Internet. In your fathers day it was Playboy and Hustler magazines. Nothing has changed since you were a little girl other than the delivery method.
As DoktorTammy suggested talk with your boyfriend and engage with him in some of his porn viewing. You will be surprised at what some of the soft porn can supply in the way of titillation for both of you. I'll even suggest that this is something you could discuss with mom and ask how she handled it with dad. If your old enough to be living with your boy friend then this type of conversation is one you could have with your mother. I'm sure she is aware that you and your boyfriend are sleeping together.
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Dear "Porn in monogamous relationships",
In most cases with porn, it is the issues between the partners that send one of them to resort to this type of release.
I would be thankful that he is only enjoying porn instead of your best friend, or neighbor. The key is to get into his hobbies with him. I know this sounds odd, and maybe because of your programming, even wrong. In order to get him to do what you want, you need to be what he wants. You need to be more entertaining, more sexy, more appealing, more erotic, etc...
Porn and gaming are an out for people who are not completely satisfied, and even bored, with what they are getting from the relationship at home.
He is trying to edit the history to avoid another argument. He wants to please you, but he is not getting from you what he needs, so he is turning to porn. This is common, more common than anyone thinks. Unfortunately, it can easily turn into a hard habit to break and causes break-ups.
I too, have a man that loves porn and online gaming. When I met him, he was isolated with Ever-quest and porn, 24/7. However, He does not spend all day playing games or watching porn anymore. Why?
I took the same advice I am giving you. Fighting will only hurt your relationship and cause him to go further into porn and gaming and result in his lying about it and trying to hide it.
Forgive him for being a man with a large libido. Then thank him for not cheating on you in order to fill his needs. Ask him to forgive you for trying to change him. If you love him the way you say you do, then get involved with him while he is engaged in his porn excursions. Break loose and have some fun, otherwise, it will get to the point that you leave him over this, and he gets further involved in them.
You can find the happy medium. Treatment is a big issue with men and women. Neither sexes seem to understand what it takes to feed their needs.
Here is a start. This book helped me in other aspects of the relationship as well.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
My man never looks at another woman, he rarely uses porn without me anymore, and gaming is almost non-existent in our lives. This will take time, but soon, before you know it, things will be great. Go with the flow, and learn how to feed his needs. You have amazing power over him, but first you must be willing to submit to his basic needs. When you are able to do this, you will see a man that needs only you.
Good Luck!
Doktor Tammy
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