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Foreign parenting -- were my parents justified in their anger?
Hi guys! I'm having a little bit of trouble with my family right now, and I don't know what to do. This will be a bit long...sorry.
I'm 20 years old and in college, and my parents are control freaks over me. They already picked my MAJOR (I can't change it even though I hate it, or they won't pay for college) and every time I come home, I have a curfew of midnight. This is understandable since it's their house, but it's just annoying because I have an apartment an hour away where I have FREEDOM. But, they are used to their strict style of being raised and think that I've become a monster with too much freedom. This is how all my cousins are treated as well.
For the past couple of days, they have been giving me and my sister the silent treatment. I kind of have an idea why they're mad at my sister (that's another story) but I have NO clue why they would be mad at me, except for maybe the fact that I've been hanging out with friends too much? They were kind of talking to me on Friday (when I came home from my apartment), then asked me if I wanted to go to dinner, I was on the phone and said No, I wasn't hungry, and they came back totally different and ignoring us. This has gone on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (today). In that time, I realized my parents were pissed off (with no idea why) and the only places I've been were the gym (I go daily) and a grad party for 2 hours.
Today, I woke up late and missed church. I woke up when they were leaving, and I heard my mom say that she was going to have a talk with us. Later in the day, when my parents weren't home a neighbor stopped by who has been at my house all the time, whether my parents were there or not. He was at my house DAILY last summer and my parents like him a lot, so there should have been NO problem there. Except, when my dad walked in an hour later, he was SHAKING in anger, purple in the face...even my friend was shocked. My dad pointed at me, and then pointed at the door and I followed him. He couldn't even make full sentences. He was saying, "I can't believe you're entertaining guests" or something like that. I didn't even know what was going on. My mom came in from the garage (she had tears in her eyes like she had been crying) and she PUSHED him in the garage when she saw how angry he was. She literally had to PUSH him and hold him back and shut the door...from what? HITTING ME? She said, "you upset your dad" and I just responded "I don't know why you guys are so mad at me." and told my neighbor to come downstairs with me.
I've been hiding out here all night although I'm sure there in bed. I called my brother and he told me my mom said we're not going with them on vacation (to visit my brother).
I honestly have NO clue what could have gotten them this angry, but they are furious with me for what I think is no reason at all. I'm afraid to approach them even. My questions are:
- How should I handle this? Is there a way to handle it without them blowing up at me?
- Were my parents justified in their anger?
This is legitimately my account of what happened. I'm not hiding or changing anything at all.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
The first part of your question is easy. You CAN'T possibly know if your parents are justified in their anger, because they haven't spoken to you at all about why they are upset.
They are probably going to blow up. Take a deep breath and accept it. It's not your fault that they choose this path to a great big blow up when they refused to speak candidly to you for days about their anger. This is how they have decided to approach whatever the problem is as parents - it’s a lousy ass approach, but they are your parents and sometimes they just get to make choices that make your life harder. You might be to blame for others things - but you aren’t to blame for your parents bad choices in handling their own anger.
So, you can just wait for the inevitable to happen - and it will - or you can be proactive. It’s tempting to just wait them out - knowing that they are behaving poorly and not communicating well - it’s tempting to ‘get back at them’ by being just as uncommunicative and sullen. Frankly, I don’t blame you if you choose that path, HOWEVER, if you want to be proactive, corner your mother when you know you have twenty minutes alone and say “You and dad are obviously very upset, but you haven’t told me why. If I don’t know what is going on, I can’t do anything about it. I can’t possibly be considerate of your feelings, if you won’t tell me what they are. Please tell me what is upsetting you.”
And then listen. Just listen. Bite your tongue for a while and let her speak. If she demands a response, keep them flat and non-comments like “I can understand why that would really upset you.” Or “I can tell that this is a big problem for you.” “I know you are very angry, but I’m glad you are explaining this to me completely.” It’s tough when you have to play the adult in your relationship with your parents, but that’s what you need to do when your parents get the idea in their heads that the silent treatment is an appropriate parenting style with their young adult children. You want the best possible outcome for you: Out mature them.
If it goes okay with your mother, ask to have a time for you to sit down with her and your dad. (NOT your sister. You are a young adult, and I assume she is as well. Whatever their beef is with her, it’s with her. You don’t want in on that fight. Support if you’d like, but don’t get into a conversation with all four of you in the room, unless the conversation actually involves all four of you.) Same approach: Listen more than you talk. Correct factual errors gently. Thank them for telling you the truth. You might even ask to sleep on what they have said to you before formulating a response.
I can’t give you much advice on what that response might be -- they haven’t given you or me anything to work with. First you need to know what they issues are. They may be small and silly, but obviously your parent’s feelings about them are very intense. It might be easier for you to let the emotional blow up happen, and then take all take a deep breath, before trying to create any solutions.
Finally: You CAN pay for your own tuition and apartment. It’s called student debt, and you don’t need your parents help to get a loan. It sucks, but over 80% of your fellow students in North America are taking out debt to complete their studies and at 20 you are perfectly capable of taking that path. You need to seriously consider the pros and cons here if your relationship with your parents is deteriorating to this degree. Get a loan, get a roommate, get a scholarship or a bursary. There are other options. They are harder and scarier and riskier but they might be worth the trouble at this point.
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This seems very odd. By what you are saying I dont see anything wrong with what you are doing. You are 20 years old yet you are still obeying their rules and living your life how they want you too even if it means you are not happy... I think that what you need to do is sit them down and have a talk with them. I dont know them personally so I can tell you if they will blow up or not but this may be the only way you are going to find out what is going on... Tell them how you feel about every thing going on. Also if it were me I would let them know that I was not happy with the major they chose and you want to do something else with your life... What you and they need to realize is this is your life, you need to do what makes you happy and you need to live it... stop letting them live your life for you... If they are not going to pay for college and you cant afford it go get a loan and go to the school you want to go to... If they wont pay for your apartment then cut out some volenteering and get a job to pay for things while you are in college... I know its nice to have the help of your parents but they are taking this too far... If anyone has the right to be angry its you. You are an adult and they are still telling you what to do... you cant even stay at your own apartment without permission... Talk to them figure out what is going on with them and let them know how you feel about them running your life and then try to work tings out, good luck best wished
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