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My boyfriend and Poly.
So, you answered a question of mine before, on the escapism addiction thing, and you mentioned my boyfriend was avoiding adulthood.
This is a big issue that has become apparent, and I really want to stay with him forever, and would fight to do that, but dont want to hit my head up against a wall for nothing. That being said, heres my question, and I'd appreciate it if you thought about it and answered it, as I think you give good advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together about a year. We live together and are planning to get married. When I first met him, we were aiming for something casual, as we'd both gotten out of relationships. Therefore, when he said he was poly, it didnt bother me - I didnt want anything from him but the obvious.
However, we both developed very strong feelings for each other and began to struggle with the inevitable issue. He identified as poly, and I'm hardwired monogamous.
We tried to make compromises between the two, and though he didnt meet anyone, the door was potentially open, in some regards. But not open enough, so one night we had a massive fight and things almost ended.
I agreed to try and work with him on this. He still didnt meet anyone and it was obvious I was devestated. I didnt try to make him feel bad, but I was depressed, and had some pretty massive doubts about the relationship for I was relatively sure I couldnt survive in a poly relationship forever.
As it is, it didnt come up, and eventually he offered me monogamy. Which I gladly took.
In a lot of ways, he seems more geared towards it. He cant stand other guys showing interest in me, he loves being the one person I'm with, me being "his" and all of the things monogamous people feel. I am bisexual, however, and he is far more okay with the concept of that - in an ideal world, I'm sure he'd have me date a girl, and him date one too.
Most guys are naturally more polygamous, and most girls are naturally more monogamous, according to psychological studies, so this is normal.
He's seemed perfectly happy with a mono relationship, and lately we are discussing engagement and marraige, looking at rings, etc.
It was almost all but forgotten, us in a very happy relationship.
However, literally by accident, I saw one day that he looks at w4m casual encounters on craigslist online. This concerns me, because before me I know he had replied to ads like that. I quickly became very nervous, and though I know this is wrong, checked his internet history. It was filled with porn and w4m sites. I checked his email, and there was no suggestion he had replied to any of them, though obviously there is no way I could know that for sure.
I apologized to him for looking and explained how this made me feel. He told me that it was like porn, that it was harmless, but that he'd try to stay away from sites such as that.
However, I can't explain it, but with classes about to start up again (I'm 23 and in university) alongside full time work, for the first time in our relationship I will not be around as much.
About a week or two after what I found, I found myself stressing out, and doubting, and being overwhelmed by fear. Eventually the temptation became too strong, and I thought I'd just peek, real quick. Which I did, and sure enough, the day before, hours of w4m posts.
I became upset, and told him I looked. He was angry (justifiably) and said that I didnt trust him.
I guess, in a way thats true. I believe that people lie when it comes to getting what they want, and more than trust, I didnt believe that it meant nothing that he looks at this. It meant something.
I asked, and he said that he dosent like monogamy. That he would never cheat on me, but sometimes he'll look. Just look. That he fights for us everyday, fights against himself, and in some way resents me for holding him back from other relationships. That every day he chooses me.
I asked him if a day would ever come that he wouldnt choose me, and he said he didnt know how to answer that question. I said "You just did."
Flash back to months and months ago, I distinctly remember him saying "Its a sacrifice I'm happy to make." But that dosent seem true.
My question is this. Are we doomed? Don't jump to the negative, just consider this. What can I do, what can he, and are we just doomed as a couple? Can we get past this or should I stop this, now, before we're married?
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I really don't know how to answer this one. Here's the thing. I think if he resents you at all for his decision to walk away from non-monogamy, it won't work. I don't know, but without knowing him I'd place my bets on this falling apart. That's just averages.
I don't really get poly. I have my own issues with sexual monogamy, but the idea of maintaining two fully intimate emotional relationships fills me with a horror I cannot even describe. I love my wife, not sleeping with other people who I'm not going to fall in love with isn't exactly hard to do. If he really identifies as poly, I don't think this is going to work because his emotional range is going to be set up to get what he needs from more than one partner and you will not.
I don't know. This is a highly individual question and I really just know nothing about him. Invested as you are this could go either way. If you're both willing to fight for each other I can't see how you can ask more than that.
You know, I can see it ending one way, where it never really seriously comes up and he stays committed. I can see it going another where he really just can't live life without that dynamic. I can see your relationship hitting troubled times and this being a fallback "I don't have to cheat to get my emotional needs met by someone else". I can see him claiming to be poly but really being a relatively inexperienced guy who just wants options because he's never had them and can't bear to let an opportunity get by because he'll feel like more of a man for adding one to his tally.
Odds are against you being happy. Sometimes I pay attention to odds, sometimes I don't. I would have said the same thing about my wife and I's relationship, we're happy. I know others I bet against who fell apart in spectacular fashion. It all depends, ultimately, on how hard you're both willing to fight for it and how much you can compromise for it.
I can't tell you now how that will work out five, ten years down the road.
Now, you asked me what you could do. What you could do comes down to what you're willing to do. What he's willing to do.
I'd ask him what he feels like he needs out of it. Is it mostly sexual, does he need the emotional intimacy? What would his ideal paradise he gets whatever he wants situation be, the endgame part.
It's one thing to be poly and dating, but eventually people generally settle down in some capacity. Does he imagine himself married to you and dating other women?
In my ideal world, my wife and I would have a close group of friends who we swung with. Separate, independent couples so that my wife and I could be married and have friendly BBQs that involved babysitters and 12 foot high privacy fences.
Where does he want to go with it, ideally? If it's too far away from your vision, I don't know. I can sacrifice the swinging and the privacy fences (ok, well maybe not the fences) in order to be with my wife if she needs me to. Jury's still out on that one, but if I never spend an evening with another woman besides her, I will not die disappointed.
Can he say the same? If not, I think you've got your answer.
And since I just ran across the same in the general questions list, I'll agree with Rahzie. See a therapist who works with couples sexuality before you make any big decisions. As young as you both probably are, I think you both need to explore who you are as people and what you need a little more before either of you gives the forever yay or nay to the relationship.
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