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Little Kid
So I met and started dating this really sweet boy in January, shortly after getting out of a long, complicated and personally detrimental relationship with an older man. I am 20 years old, this new boy is also 20. I have had more fun with him than i think I've ever had in my life. Hes a sweet, caring, genuinely nice boy and I can say I've fallen in love with him. I have been super happy except recently I've started noticing things that kind of upset me.
For one, we are out of that "honeymoon" phase where he thinks about and puts me first and calls me sweet names all the time. He used to say I was perfect, call me princess and precious, etc Now its just babe or love and honestly I understand that this happens and its not a big deal, but it would be nice if every once in a while he would still call me sweet names and text me nice things. I dont think that would be too much to ask for. I kind of feel like the "new" feel of the relationship has worn of, sort of like a little kid with a new toy. They're super excited about it for a few weeks and then they're not.
Another thing that is bothering me is something I found out about him a while back but I didn't think it was a problem. He told me, reluctantly, that when he was younger he used to have an anger problem. That as a kid he was always angry at his parents and he didn't understand why. He said it was bad when he was a teenager and he would yell and them and get upset over everything, and now he said he's learned to control it a lot so it doesn't show, but it still happens to him sometimes. He told me "if you ever see me get quiet or unenthusiastic about something, or answer in short sentences just know it has nothing to do with you, I'm just upset" And i told him good, because i had noticed him be like that and thought it was my fault and he got super sad and sad nooo baby, don't ever think it's your fault i dont want anything to make you feel like what we have isn't real. That was sweet and all, but ever since then I notice him get upset a lot more often which makes me think back also to the fact that were not in the beginning of the relationship and he's not trying to be perfect anymore. And it bothers me because from the very beginning I told him that I'm a very happy person and i thought he was too, but now I see that he gets upset over any small little thing he doesn't like and he gets all quiet and like keeps to himself and it makes me feel bad, I don't know how to handle it like I try to give him his space but it upsets me.
I don't want to talk to him about all of this because I'm not very good at expressing in words to others how i feel and I feel like I would mess up what I'm trying to say. I just feel like things are different now like the way he treated me for the past 4 months is changing and it makes me sad. I even had a dream about it last night that I was with him and a lot of people in my childhood house where i grew up and there was a party but something went wrong and he turned evil and told me he wanted to break up and got everyone at the party against me and tried to steal the house, idk it was a strange dream and honestly a nightmare.
It's also important to note that he's a gentleman in every sense of the word. like hes sweet and gentle and not at all mean, so I don't know why I had that dream or feel sad about the situation. I just basically feel like I'm not as important to him now as I used to be, because it's not like he does anything wrong to me, but he doesn't really do anything special either.
I don't like feeling this way, what can I do or how can I change my mentality about this?
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There are a couple of things going on here and they tend to work against each other.
He is trying to be the typical macho male and suck it up and handle his problems all by himself while shutting you out of how he feels because he is leery of looking weak and whiny.
For women, when guys clam up, they tend to take it as he doesn't want to let you in to his emotional life and it creates a kind of distance in the relationship in a woman's mind.
But a lot of this is society's fault. Men are raised to be self reliant and stoic. Shows of aggression are often rewarded, but emotional self disclosure is definitely not. This is what women fail to understand about men and, to be honest, women actually exacerbate this because they want their men to be like daddy, the pillar of the household. Women never want a weak daddy.
Women bond through a lot of self disclosure. They talk endlessly about how they are feeling to each other and society says that it is okay for women to be weak and to cry. So you want some self disclosure about his feelings in order to further cement your sense of intimacy with him.
Now there is a point at which being pouty gets old. It could be that he just needs to grow up some more to fully grasp how he should handle his anger issues. He seems to be making an effort at compartmentalizing that anger, but it is also true that the more you try to repress something the more likely it is to express itself at some (often inconvenient) time.
There is no guarantee that he will have this resolved in his mind in the near future. So you have a decision to make. Women often want to change or fix men. But I think this guy will have to fix himself at his own pace. Moreover, if you break up with him, he will be pissed about that, but it also simplifies his life and leaves more time for him to be introspective and maybe even get professional help.
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Get over it.
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Honestly? I think you are setting your standards to high.
Not everyone is "perfect" and even if a guy appears to be "perfect" everyone still has their flaws. Sometimes we just need to except people for who they are what learn to except a situation as it is instead of expecting things all the time. Sure, This guy may not exactly be your ideal of prince charming but I think if you open up a little bit you could find yourself having a pretty good relationship but only if you are willing to give him a chance. It's not so much about your mentality it's your point of view and outlook on things. Try to be more open and understanding, Instead of looking at what is no longer there try to look at is at what will come.
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