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Victim of rape, but she didn't tell me.
I'm 21, male. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend (of seven years) a month ago. I have recently found out that my she just had a miscarriage at five months of pregnancy. In fact, she told me that she was a victim of rape, and that she did not know what happened to her(drink was spiked.)
I only found this out because she had her miscarriage - all this time, she kept this from me, while we were dating, because she felt it would be best for us. She intended to bring the child to term (does not believe in abortion) and has been having a very difficult time dealing with her miscarriage. Out of embarrassment, trying to find a new life and be fair to this child, she chose to move away to a different part of the country, hence why I have not seen her in over six months. She grew attached to the child, already knew it was going to be a boy, with the help of a friend had found a job and a place to stay.
I already broke up with her about a month ago. I felt that I was no longer a part of her life, and that it would be for the best for both of us. Of course, I had no idea that any of this even happened to her. I was led to believe her choice to move away was to fulfill academic commitments. When I last spoke to her before she informed me, I said I did not want to maintain contact.
I was raised to believe in forgiving others. I know that if I decide to maintain contact with her, I need to be clear and let her know what I expect. How should I feel about this? On one hand, it seems she has all the support she needs to get through a pregnancy, let alone living life in another part of the world - she no longer needs me, and I would be foolish to accept what she did to me. On the other, I understand that victims of domestic violence, and even rape, suffer so much emotionally, physically, and mentally - she seems to have had good intentions.
Yet, I feel betrayed: she put this child before me. She pointed out how she lost me to try and keep the child, but now has lost this child. I know its ultimately my call, but I really do need some sense of direction on this one. Thanks.
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You leave out a rather important part here: What is your ex attempting to achieve by contacting you?
Is she asking you back? Is she apologizing? Is she explaining herself? Does she desire further contact?
It's understandable you feel betrayed. She was dishonest. She choose to lock you out. She put many other things before her relationship with you. You were - truly - no longer part of her life. She legitimately had bigger shit to deal with. Frankly, as I see it, that she was able to access the support she needed - despite the fact she could not face the truth with you - is admirable, and speaks to a women who handled a crisis and kept it together.
I think you might be best, and most honest, to begin to recognize that as much as it feels like she 'did this to you' she probably didn't. This happened to her, and she did her best. In doing her best in an awful situation, your relationship became unimportant.
Those things don't make her wrong or bad. They make you wrong for each other perhaps. They make the relationship impossible to continue, but they were valid choices. Maybe not the best choices, but certainly valid, understandable choices.
I can't tell you how you should feel about this. You will probably feel betrayed and angry, in spite of her good intentions. BUT You should also forgive her. It doesn't sound like she acted out of malice, but was genuinely overwhelmed and unable to address the issue with you. She deserves forgiveness and sympathy.
But forgiveness and sympathy doesn't mean you have to get back together, or be friends. Forgiving is just forgiving, and forgiving - truly forgiving - means you don't get to put conditions on that forgiveness. You may put conditions on your relationship, or how much contact you want or do not want to have, but forgiveness is a all or none game, and it sounds like beyond all your legitimate shock, angers and confusions you know that she is deserving of forgiveness.
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Your logic is strange. You broke up with her a month ago. Why are you even thinking about maintaining contact with her at this point? You both need to get your acts together first; you spent seven years together as a mutual crutch, and now it's time to move on.
This rape/miscarriage business is completely bizarre, and sounds at least a little fishy. It's unfortunate, but you broke up with this girl before you knew about any of this. I don't think these extremely suspect events should impact your decision.
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