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Unfair boss
This is kind of a complicated story so bear with me. First some background, I am almost 30 and work for a small company. By small I mean 2 people. A large part of my job is to go out and talk to people around town and deal with complaints. I live in a fairly small town too.
I was involved in an affair that was discovered by my boyfriend's wife a few months ago. (This is not what I need advice on. I do not judge others, so please don't judge me. That is my job.) Needless to say, some things changed.
On to the issue: I have always seen my boss as a father figure, we talked about almost everything. After I told my boss about what had happened he was really upset, but said we would work through it as he could see how upset I was. Just recently my ex's wife called my boss and told him that she wants her family to have nothing to do with me. (Duh.) They have 3 children, whom I occasionally see in the course of my work. They come up and talk to me and I refuse to treat them like they did anything wrong so I ask them how they are, what they're doing for the weekend, etc. (Never anything about their parents.)
My boss completely changed my schedule "for the time being" so my chances of seeing any of them are slimmer. He says he's doing it "to protect" me, but throws in rude comments about the situation every once in awhile. Before anyone says he can't just change my schedule...yes...he can. He knows that work is my life.
I love my job, but this isn't fair. Every time I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and asks how I can't see that he's doing this for me. Any advice on how I can talk to him and get him to see that he's wrong?
(Yes, I realize that it's really none of his business and has no effect on how I do my job, but like I said, he's been a father figure for me for years.)
Thanks in advance.
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Obviously the affair has had an effect on the way your boss judges your character. You admit, he's like a father-figure. How would you feel if you found out one of your own children was having an affair with a married man? You would be disappointed, even a little hurt. I think part of what's happening is your boss' personal reaction to the revelation. He's learned something about you. You're human! And you hurt people and make mistakes, like everyone else. But now he is seeing it close up. It will take a little time for him to adjust, so be patient. Also, you say its a small town, so you also need to think about the fact that, while your boss is upset, he really IS trying to protect you. This situation between you and the ex/wife/family is obviously still simmering. He wants to avoid confrontation while you're on the job. Better for you, for him, for the company. Better for everyone. I hate to tell you this, but maybe YOU'RE wrong. Did you think of that? Maybe your judgment is a bit skewed right now, considering that you're still reeling from a pretty complicated relationship. You were wrong about getting involved with a married man, could you be wrong about how your boss is handling the situation, too? Truth be told, I don't think your real problem is with the shift change. That's just business. I think what hurts you the most is that you may have lost the respect of someone you really care for and look up to. So that's what you need to address, not the unfairness of his decision. So instead of trying to force you to see it your way, why don't you just tell him how you really feel. Tell him you hate that you may have disappointed him, and his opinion of you really matters to you and its eating you up that your personal choices may have caused him to trust you less. Tell him you're sorry, if you want. Even if you're not, it will help. Look, you've created a big mess for yourself. You're not going to get out of it so easy. It will reach into all parts of your life, so you just have to recognize that. You can't compartmentalize your life. What you do in one area will always spill into the others. That's just how it works. You can't change the past. So just move forward with what you have. Stop trying to get everyone to see your side of things and start looking at it from another angle. Even if you still don't agree with them, it will help. Good luck.
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Take a deep breath.
Yes, what your boss is doing might not be the most appropriate way to handle this, but he is dealing with some very, very powerful pressures: The pressure to respect the wishes of a mother, the pressure of being a business owner, the pressure of being your supervisor and your friend.
That is a large minefield to navigate. You need to recognize that I am not trying to judge you, only pointing out the reality of the situation: Your actions have had a huge impact on his life and his job. A negative and stressful impact.
This isn't about blame. He sounds like he honestly loves you and supports you, however, you need to recognize the untenable situation in which he has been placed, through actions that are not his own.
Perhaps he is not dealing with it as well as he could, but you need to be prepared to offer him some of the support and understanding he has offered you.
Clearly and calmly state your disagreement with his choice to change your schedule, express clearly that you understand his motivations are good, but tell him why you have a problem with the actions he’s chosen. However, you also need to acknowledge to him, that while you disagree with him, he is your boss and your friend. Unless you have a business arrangement or contract that says he can’t change your schedule, then he can do so. You need to respect that, and you’ll get further with him by respectfully disagreeing then by being obstinate.
Sometimes our bosses do things we disagree with, or make choices we don't like. You've let this particular employer into your private life in a large way, and he might have been in a clearer position to say to her mother “I’m sorry. This is work and that is personal life.” But because of your great intimacy and support, it’s understandable he wasn’t able to separate those two as you might have wished.
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