|
I can't deal with my mom
I know I've asked this question on here before, but I haven't really gotten a response. This is very serious and I really don't know what to do. I'm growing to a bigger a bigger depression. When i was a senior in high school, I wanted to leave my hometown to go to school. I thought it would be a good opportunity and what a better excuse to leave home than that you are studying? Well, it didn't happen. The day after I graduated, I found out I was adopted. My mom and I were fighting SO much because she would do anything in her power not to let me go. I sincerely think my mom is OBSESSED with me and it scares me. I watch scary movies about obsessed mothers and my mom has an excuse to justify almost everything they do.
I'm 20/f. It's been 2 years, almost, since I've found out about the adoption and I can say sincerely that I feel better. I think at this point in my life, I am BEYOND mature enough to make certain decisions that most of my friends (who did leave) have been making for the past 2 years (budgeting, etc). Let me begin by telling you that I am VERY mature. If you knew me, you would know what I mean. I went to private school my whole life. I have very high values. I am very religious. I'm not a trouble-maker. But my mom is obsessed with me. It's not trying to protect me anymore. It's an obsession.
I spoke to my mom about moving to my own apartment. Right now, we live with my grandparents. They are overbearing to her and she is overbearing to me. She doesn't have a job. She doesn't even look for one. All she does is sit in front of the computer all day 2 c when I can log into facebook so she can talk to me. I'm not exaggerating. I asked her to please support my decision. I have a job. I make $1200 a month. I am a straight A student, and therefore, I receive $3200 every semester from school. Financially, this is a possibility for me. She started fighting with me and making a big deal. The other day, I mentioned transferring to another university maybe about 3 hours away, and that day, she was MORE than happy to help me look for an apartment. But now, that she sees it's a reality, she's panicking.
I can't deal with her anymore. I really can't. She's not overprotective. It's not like she doesn't let me go out or anything like that. But, she's overbearing. She calls me every 1/2 hour to ask me if I ate lunch, who I ate lunch with, if I went to the bathroom, if I saw any cute guys at lunch, if I did my nails, if I saw my ex, how was my day. She will text me like 10 times telling me to call her that its super important and that she needs to talk to me right away. Then, when I answer the phone she's like, how was your day? Sometimes, I can't answer because I'm in class, or having lunch with a friend or a guy or studying in the library. I try to express how I feel to her and she never listens. She doesn't care what I have to say. She just screams and says "fine, I won't do it again!" I can't communicate. I've written her letters, facebooked her, texted her to not be interrupted. But, she doesn't listen to me.
I just want to cry. I don't want to live with my mother anymore. I love her but i can't love her to the point that she's suffocating me and I allow it. I'm really sorry if being an individual with my own set of thoughts is a bad thing. But, the last time I checked, being 20 and having a job and a scholarship and straight A's qualifies me as a responsible adult.
Please help!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Hi, I'm old enough to be your grandfather; hopefully the wisdom that comes with age and life experiences will be helpful.
From one of the things you said about your mother, it sounds as if she is a product of her upbringing. In that your grandparents are overbearing to her. She is only doing what she knows based on how she was raised and the relationship she has with her parents. Being adopted adds to this in that you are somewhat more special.
I have a cousin who is adopted. My Uncle doted on him until the day he died. My Uncle loved all children his Nieces and Nephews all, but his son was very special to him and while he did obsess over him I don't think it was to the excess that you describe. I think it is only natural that adopted children are obsessed over for only a fortunate few parents get to adopt.
Your 20 years old; you have a right to a life of your own, without hourly interruptions by your mother or minute by minute detailed reports to her of your activities. The cycle that has begun with your grandparents and possibly their parents before them needs to be broken or it will continue when you become a parent.
You know what you need to do; if you are asking for permission or need someones permission to do so; you have mine. You will never get your mother to agree to let you move out on your own. This could include when you marry. Instead of moving out she might insist you and your husband move in with her and your grandparents; bad move.
If you are confident that you have the financial arrangement to make it on your own then that is what you need to do to break this cycle and do have the freedom you need. Your mother will argue with you, give you a thousand different reason why you cannot or should not move out. She may even feign illness to keep you at home.
The real question is are you strong enough to stand up to all the argument, the crying and the excuses that will come at you? You are the psychology student you know this question. The question now becomes are you certain enough in your answer?
]
Hi there,
My mom is controlling as well, though not as much as it sounds like your mom it. That sounds like a very difficult situation. I think the reason my mom was okay with me moving away was because she knew that I had to move to be able to fulfill my dreams. Maybe if she sees that you would truly be happy at this new school, not because you'd be away from her, but because it was a better education or a unique opportunity, then she will hopefully want to help you succeed. Try to avoid making it sound like you just want to move out because of her, unless you are willing to have a huge confrontation. I've confronted my mom a few times about these issues, but it's always very difficult so don't take it too lightly.
In the end, though, you need to be able to live your life. If she can't be supportive of you moving on and making something of your life, then she clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart. Calling and asking if you've gone to the bathroom is really not okay. That type of thing makes it sound like this is a really unhealthy situation for you to be living in. You need to move out. Hopefully with your mom's blessing but, honestly, if you give her time and she doesn't come around, then I think you're just going to need to move out. Or else you might end up unable to stand up for yourself. Just let her know gently that you're going to have to move out eventually. You can't live with her forever. But you'll miss her a ton and you'll come back to visit. So as long as she knows that, hopefully she will see reason.
Good luck,
J
]
More Questions: |