|
Moving on after initiating a break-up
This is rather long, so I apologize in advance. 3 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He was not ambitious and hardly seemed to care about his future, so my future with him appeared bleak. I want interdependence with a guy, not one who only depends on me. Also, he has a very dysfunctional family, and I don't mean just the typical problems that any family would have. If that were the only thing wrong, I would be able to overlook it and stay with him, but I really couldn't deal with his lack of direction in life.
We've rarely talked since then and I thought I’d moved on, but we talked again a few days ago, and I realized I hadn’t. He isn't over me yet, and for him, talking to me helps him find closure and move on, but for me, it's the opposite: I need to cut off contact with him in order to move on.
If he could one day prove that he has changed and decided what he wants to do with his life, I would consider getting back together with him. However, my parents strongly object to our relationship. You might say that this is my life and I shouldn't be allowing my parents to decide what I want, but I confide in my parents a lot and I trust their judgment. They’re so worried about my happiness, or lack thereof, in the future if I had stayed with him. Even if he did change and we got back together, I know that my parents would never fully approve, and that makes me unhappy because I want them to like the guy I choose to be with.
The reason I find it so difficult to move on is that, aside from these major flaws, he is everything I could want in a guy, and I'm so afraid I'll never find someone who will love me as much as he did. He kept me at the very top of his priorities and always had or made time for me, and I felt so lucky because judging by many of my friends’ relationships, their boyfriends don’t prioritize them very highly. I'm so emotionally wrecked after talking to him again, and I’m angry with myself for not being able to move on even though I initiated the break-up. Do you think it’s at all possible that he and I could ever be together again, or should I just let the thought go? And is it normal that I still can't move on even though I was the one who broke it off?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hi there,
I can see where you are coming from with your question.
I believe that while nobody is perfect, it is good to find a person who is motivated, as well as honest, kind and loving.
I feel this way for several reasons.
1. As a stay at home mum, I have the absolute pleasure of homeschooling my children, while my husband goes to work to support us. I thank him constantly for this, and he sees the real joy it brings to our life.
2. My husband sets a wonderful example for our family. We are also Christians and belive that God doesn't want us to be lazy, but to be fruitful while we ar on this earth.
3. Being with a motivated person is fun and encouraging. We can all do things to improve other peoples lives!
4. A person with little direction can often be slothful and quite a moaner. Whilst I am there to support my husband when he is down, he also has his up days which makes him a joy to be with, and it also brings balance to the relationship, so we support each other when we each need it. Like a real loving team.
I feel that it is good that you have acknowledged how he prioritises you, and it is obvious that he loves you, but I feel they aren't good enough reasons to stay with a person.
You can actually find a person who is a good match for you. Someone who you will bounce off in a positive way, and who will bounce off you in a positive way.
I really believe that it is crucial to make a good choice for choosing a marriage partner. Love is obviously a huge thing, but so is looking at dysfunctional families, and character traits, etc, as those things will not only affect you, but any children you may have.
I believe marriage is for life, and so I think that you should break it off and keep it broken off. I expect you will think about him, as you have been with him for 2 years. But gradually that will fade. And that is normal.
I would love to help you more with this, so please go through my column and click on 'ask bewise a question'.
I really feel like you are doing the right thing. I hope that helps!
]
Hi there,
You probably aren't going to like this answer, but I can't take the chance that nobody else will be honest with you.
Reading this from an outside perspective leave the person reading it feeling like you have set yourself up as the center of the universe and really don't care about the feelings of others.
You found someone who really loved you, and you broke his heart because you didn't see him being able to GIVE YOU THINGS? When someone puts it like that, does it make it obvious?
Even in the closure situation... you are the one who created the hurt, and yet you aren't interested in the welfare of anybody but yourself.
So, since you are incredibly selfish, self absorbed and basically view yourself as the only important person in a relationship... why can't you let go?
Well, the answer may be simpler than you think:
Are you being honest with yourself?
Are you really the almighty, heartless queen b**** of the universe, as your treatment of this guy's heart suggests?
Maybe not. Did you REALLY do this because of his "lack of direction" or did you do it because your parents strongly objected?
Figure that one out and you may have your answer.
You know, you mentioned him loving you and being EVERYTHING you could ever want in a guy... and yet you threw that love away and crushed his heart in the process.
At this point I am betting you have figured out that the problem here, isn't with his lack of direction... it is with your own lack of knowing what you want.
He had a direction in life: The direction was loving you, and being: "...everything I could want in a guy..."
Think about this, please? You said he always kept you at the very top of his priorities... that means you were the direction of his life.
Then that wasn't good enough so you destroyed him.
Here is the hard part:
He knew what he wanted in life: YOU!
That wasn't good enough for you.
If he has a brain in his head, he will recognize how emotionally confused you are and stay away from you for the rest of his life.
So when you get your head straightened out, and grow up, he probably won't be around for you to use and abuse anymore. If he is, and he is dumb enough to so much as speak to you... try and treat him better next time.
For the future: You will move on, it will take time, but it will happen.
Try not to hurt anyone else like you hurt him. In other words, while you are growing up, please also try and grow a heart.
If you can find it in yourself, do something to help him get over this. Perhaps point him to this question, so he can see he isn't alone.
It will help him to get over you if the blinders that love puts on you are removed and he can see that someone else sees you for having done this immature, stupid and heartless thing. Right now he blames himself.
Until you explain to him what really happened, he will keep right on blaming himself. Why? Because you told him it was his fault... that he lacked direction and wasn't making of himself what YOU wanted.
Why wasn't his top priority career advancement? By your own admission his top priority was you.
Way to go.
You are one of the women who poison men's feelings toward all women. When you treat a guy like this, he will expect similar treatment from all future women.
Please think about someone other than yourself for a change.
]
Wow, lots of stuff here! Ok. Listen.. it is TOTALLY normal for you to still be feeling this way. Give yourself a break! You were together for 2 years and you've only been broken up for 3 months. That's not a really long time if you think about it. You cared for him and he for you, so it will take longer than a few months to move on from that. It sucks, but its true. So there is nothing wrong with you. You have to understand that you need time (you do seem to get that) and be patient with yourself. I applaud your understanding that you need to cut off contact. It won't help either of you to keep the strings tied while you're trying to move forward. And respecting what your parents think is a good thing and I would never look down on you for that. I'm married and I know that when you are in a relationship, your family support is super important. I think its awesome that you trust them enough to take into account how they feel about the people you love. Because they love you so much and just want you to be happy, and often times parents have to benefit of life experience, and so have a lot of wisdom to offer about relationships and warning signs. So I think you are very wise to at least consider their thoughts. Now, you say that it is so hard because besides his flaws he's everything you want in a guy. But lets go over his flaws as you've outlined them in this letter:
-He's not ambitious
-He doesn't care about future
-He's too dependent
-He has a dysfunctional family that limits his ability to interact normally in a relationship.
Besides all this he is perfect? These are some big "buts", my dear. Your instincts are telling you that you're not going in the same direction, and hanging on to someone who is pulling you in the opposite direction will only bring heartache (even greater than what you're experiencing right now). I do believe its possible that you two could find your way back to each other one day. People change, and maybe he just needs some time to figure out what he wants in life and how to get it. He needs to grow up a little, and maybe this break up is just the shock he needs to shake him up a bit. It could take months, it could take years. You can't be concerned with that right now. You have to go your own way, learn more about yourself, where you're going, who you want to be. Live your life. If it is meant to be, your paths will cross again someday. If not, well, you've learned so much about what you want out of a relationship. That's invaluable. You've grown, and no one can take that away from you. I've been where you are and I know the pain, but try to remind yourself that in time, the pain will become less and less. In the meantime, do your best to fill your time with other things. Friends, activities, etc. Even when you don't feel like it. You'll have to practice getting out there and "being normal" and in time, you actually will feel normal again. It will get better. I promise. And the wisdom and maturity with which you have faced this issue tells me that you have many good things in store for your future. Good luck and hang in there! You can do this!
PS- I wanted to add that I saw DangerNerd's response to your question on the public forum and he is an a-hole! Please don't take him seriously or listen to what he said. What a douche! Its not hard to tell he's had his heart broken before. Ignore that advice. It was awful. I would have responded on your public post, but Advicenators are not allowed to comment publicly about other advice. So I just wanted to send you a personal note to let you know he was being a jerk!
]
More Questions: |