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How can I break free of traditions that my family are holding me to?
How can I break free of traditions that my family are holding me to? They will not allow me to get married!?
I am 20 years old and was raised in the U.S, as is my wonderful boyfriend of two years. While my family is of middle-eastern decent, my boyfriend is not. I was always expected to be in an arranged marriage to a middle eastern man of my parents' choosing, however my boyfriend (who is of the same religion as me and very respectable) changed those plans. I have never wanted an arranged marriage, but to be married to someone who truly makes me happy, and he is exactly that. The problem is that we have been in a long-distance relationship for two years now, (we live in bordering states) and it is getting to be very difficult on the both of us to wait around for my father's permission. My boyfriend and I know eachother very well and love eachother greatly, and have our plans for our future figured out already. (Let me also add that I am not pregnant, and that anything of that nature is not the reason we are so anxious to start our lives together, but because we are simply ready to and know we want a future together). Because of my culture, it is customary for the daughters of the famiily to live with their parents until they are married. I have a part time job and am working toward a bachelor's degree, while my boyfriend will be completing his degree in the spring of next year. However, my family makes this very difficult on us both because they do not allow me to drive up and see him, they do not allow him to see me more than a few times during the year, and they refuse to acknowledge that this long-distance is getting very difficult and that we need to live our own lives. Since I am still in school and only have a part-time job, I find it impossible for me to support myself on my own completely, and the fact that my parents both choose to look at me as though I am a child upsets me even further because they do not take me seriously. My culture is very particular with the order of marriage proposals and relationships, and my parents refuse to let us be together until they meet his family, who are wonderful, yet they continue to make promises that they will visit them and then continually break those promises to me and my boyfriend. I feel like I am stuck in this house and just want to break free but I do not know how to get my family to understand that I want to live my own life. I have explained to them many times that I want to be an adult and be on my own and to be able to marry the one person who makes me so happy, yet they continue to see me as a foolish child. Part of me wonders if running away to be with him would be the best option, since reasoning has led me nowhere and i have a car of my own and some money in my savings, however leaving my family would be very hard for to do under such stressful circumstances. Please, if anyone has any advice, I would very greatly appreciate it.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
It sounds like you love and respect your parents very much, which is very honorable and say's alot about the beautiful woman they raised, but you are a grown woman now and have to make decisions for your life and your future and part of this will include accepting the fact that your parents may not accept the life you have chosen for yourself. Instead of trying to gain your parents approval, i would let them know of your plans and tell them that you are going to do this with or without their blessing, though you would much rather do it with their blessing. It may take some time to adjust to your plans and they may try to talk you out of it but it's important for you to take control of your life and to follow through with the things you want for your life. Above all else, your parents love you and when they see that their little girl is being taken care of, this will open the door for change, not only for you but for your children as well. You need to set some boundaries with them. This may require you to move out and seperate from them for awhile but try talking to them first about your plans and see if there may be some room for compromise or at least healing the relationship.
I wish you the best of luck, hun.
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Hi, I am old enough to be your grandfather and hopefully the wisdom that comes with age will be helpful to you.
As I see from what you have written you are caught between two worlds. There is your parents world which is the one where they are wishing to uphold the customs and traditions of the old country and there is your world with all the customs and traditions of the new world. You truly find yourself between a rock and a hard place as they saying goes in the new world.
The one question I have is: Have you ever told your parents that you will not agree to an arranged marriage?
Here in America your parents may want you to or they may try to arrange a marriage for you but unless you agree it cannot take place; at least not legally for you need a marriage license. If you do not sign the license application there cannot be a legal marriage. They may believe in the eyes of your faith that you are married but in the eyes of the state you can walk away from that marriage at anytime.
You need to explain that to your parents that in this country you cannot be forced into a marriage. That the law provides certain protections against forced marriage. At your age you have certain rights guaranteed to you under the law as an adult. One of which is the right of choice.
You need to also tell them that you love them and want to honor them as much as possible. But you live in a new world and need to follow your heart as well as tradition. They came to, or their parents brought them, to this new world for a better life; part of the better life is change and sometimes changes means the breaking of tradition.
You go one to tell them that it hurts you to be put in a position of choosing between the love you have for them and the love you have for your future husband. If they force you to make a choice your choice is going to be for the future and not the present. You see your future as being with the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, to bear his children, their grandchildren.
Now the question becomes what choice will they make as you have made you choose. Will they embrace your choice and meet his parents and join in your joy? Or will they hold to the traditions of the old country and not accept your marriage for what it is?
This is the best advice I can give you. You need to make a stand. You are not the first child of traditional old world parents to face this problem. The biggest problem you face is how accepting your parents will ultimately be of your decision and if you can live with what their decision and what their attitude toward you will be in the near and far future.
My only advice on this is that you can only live in one world. You must choose the world to live in that will make you the happiest.
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