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Paying The Price
I've always been told what a good person I am and it's become a characteristic that has defined me growing up. I've always been fair, helpful, and honest and kind. It's very important to me to be this way. I've never really had many friends or a big group I should say, because it's hard to find people that are the same. I've always had few, but close friends that I loved and valued very much, but I'm a very social person and I always wanted to meet a group that I fit in with well.
Mostly, and throughout high school, it was always me and my best friend, and we got along great because of how open we were with each other. However, as it got close to our senior year I started getting the feeling that she wasn't very genuine. Not to me, or in a sense where she was dishonest, but to others. She would constantly copy me or try to outdo me in everything we did to people and it became vexing. We went to different high schools but whenever we hung out together I would notice she would constantly say and act to people in a way that was naturally me. I felt that there was nothing I could do that was unique to me anymore because she would always emulate it and adopt it and claim to be better at it. It became extremely vexing because of how pretentious she was. I let it go because I felt bad telling her I didn't think she was authentic, but it truly got at me, and sometimes, it would come out in the way I treated her. I became a bit passive aggressive towards her, I didn't mean to, but I really was getting so upset over how she became. We ended up going to the same college but not rooming together and so in college I decided I was going to take my space, I wanted to see how she would be if she didn't have me in her life to emulate. She ended up resenting me for it and we actually finally talked about it and I told her how I felt. I knew I had to be honest if anything was to be fixed. She understood, but of course no one wants to hear that, so I think she sort of put it out of her mind. She also got her first boyfriend (I was on rocky ground with mine) and got busier. We were okay, but we just were never the same. I got out of my old relationship and found a new, amazing guy who introduced me to a great group of people and I finally had everything I ever wanted. The close group of friends, the sweet relationship, the adventures, the parties, the young life I dreamed of. I would see her now and again but her boyfriend is much older (like my previous one had been -__-) and she was living a completely different life than me. It continued on until today, when she comes to talk to me and tell me that we just are not the same anymore, and that she noticed it when we were all at dinner the other day (me her and her bf and two friends) and I was on my own wavelength that she couldn't even talk to me. I was actually very happy that night and talkative, but I had to leave early because I was going to an event (which I invited her to) and I had to leave before dinner was over. I put down some money on the table, said goodbye, and left. In retrospect I see how it was very rude to do so but I would have felt even worse leaving without paying, even though I only ate desert. In any case she was telling me how she just didn't even want to go with me because I was in my own world etc etc. Oh and how her boyfriend (who i was friends with before they started dating) strongly dislikes me now because of the fact that she tells him how she feels and he of course takes her side to the point where it even annoys her. She just told me all these things about what a bad friend I have been and its true, I can see it, but at the same time, I just wanted my space because of how upset I got at her behavior and the fact that she wasn't herself, she was me. Constantly. Not anymore since I wasn't hanging with her as much of course. Regardless, I see that I was a bad friend, but it was all subconscious because of how annoyed I got with her. I explained this to her but I don't feel like she fully understood. I hate how she sees me as a bad person and she even told me you're very passive aggressive, etc. And I really have been very happy in my life but this makes me feel terrible, I don't want to be a bad person and leave her behind, but I cannot stand the way she is sometimes and the fact that I feel this way makes me feel even worse. Overall I don't know what I should do about this.... I apologized to her boyfriend for that night, but I don't know, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel like now that I am so happy with a great group of friends, I may not be such a nice person, like maybe that's the price I have to pay? I'm just so confused. Advice?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
you said you guys were friends in high school..? and went to the same college..?
well there ya go.. didn't anybody ever tell you that high school friends are completely different than your college friends/ friends you'll grow up with later?
most everybody agrees that high school and college are 2 completely different things. high school is when you're young and have interests like being popular and buying expensive clothing. but when you're in college/growing up, none of that really matters anymore. my point is, you 2 were friends in high school and got along well. senior year is the time when you start to mature and your interests are different. you start getting involved with different activities and you become more mature. thats the reason why you guys were starting to drift apart during senior year. because you 2 were maturing and your interests were not the same. then came college and you both went your separate ways. you guys hung out with different types of crowds. that happens..
the transition from high school to college is a big step. its the time when you start to discover your true self. when i look back, i realize that my high school attitude is nothing like my attitude right now. i have changed and become more mature and have other interests than i did back then. its natural and normal. so many people change when they get older. thats what happened to you guys. you had the same interests in high school but when you guys went to college, both of you changed and grew apart. its normal. it happened to me and most likely happened to a lot of people. don't feel bad about it.
as for your situation.. i wouldn't feel sorry at all. one of the biggest reasons you 2 are separated is because of her attitude. she's the one who started copying you and was always competing with you. what did you do wrong? all you did was prove to her that you're better than that. all you did was move on. all you did was change and become a better person by leaving her behind. she should be feeling sorry because she shouldn't be judging you.
you said you're happy with a great new group of friends?? that's perfect! why should you be stuck with the past and be stuck with horrible feelings? MOVE ON! high school was the past. she is most likely the past. just be abrupt and tell her "hey, we were good pals in high school. but lets be serious and mature... we both grew up and have different values and interests and we just aren't compatible anymore. we went our different ways and to be honest, i'm living such a great life right now. i really dont' want to be stuck in the past with you." maybe she will feel the same way.
1 more thing- don't try to pressure your friendship. don't feel like "i have to keep this friendship alive". let fate take the wheel. if you 2 are becoming distant, then that's fate. don't try to control everything and just let things go naturally.
if you're happy with the way things are with you're new group of friends, then that's great! stick with them and just be happy. dont be stuck in the past :) move on!
inbox me if you have any more questions!
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Hello :)
In my opinon, you shouldn't be sorry for anything. It's natural for you to get new friends, lead a different path than hers. I believe she's attached to you, and needs to meet new people. I think you and her should sit down, and talk this out. Let her know she's still your friend, but that she also needs to discover herself. It's fine to have a boyfriend, but she needs new experiences, diversity in her life. Maybe that's why she's a bit resentful, maybe you're experiencing what she wants to, but she doesn't know how to attain these experiences on her own. That is just my opinion though.. Good luck, hope I've helped!!
-Uniq
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