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I get so jealous and i'm worried it will tear us apart
My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year. We met online and he came he recently came here for a month and we had a few issues but we sorted them out and he assured me everything between us is fine...He's gone back now and he's staying at his guy mate's place until he gets back on the road to his home and one of his friends wants him to go see her when he gets back. I know nothing is going on between them, since he said he's nowhere near attracted to her whatsoever but I'm getting upset just thinking about when he does go see her, they'll hug and i don't know if she likes him or not. They don't talk often but he's been away from home for a very long time and it's understandable he wants to catch up with his friends but i get so jealous so easily and insecure when he hugs his chick friends, even when he says he's committed to me completely.
when he was here and we were watching a movie, he saw some 'hot' chicks in bikini in the movie and he made a sound making it obvious he likes what he sees. We later on talked about it and he told me that he's a guy and yeah he'll acknowledge a girl's attractiveness but it doesn't mean he wants to 'screw' them, and i said fine whatever but do it in his head and not let me aware of it because it hurts.
He has a history of being a flirt and i know what he and i have is something he hasn't had in a long time and he said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I can't handle that he finds other girls hot. i get that i'm not the only 'hot' girl he sees but i can't get over it. it's driving me crazy. I'm going to go see him in a month or two when he gets settled back home with his own place and a job but when its long distance, again, my insecurities come back. I know it sounds bad that i want to keep an eye on him. I do trust him, but not completely. i guess it's more lack of trust for the girls there than for him. I need to learn how to trust him 100% but i don't know how.
The thing is, he's his own person. Like seriously one of those "don't put rules on me" type of guy and i like that he's strong willed but he gets angry when i get upset or angry that he has a hot looking chick on his facebook so i don't know how to talk to him about it..since he has that flirtatious history, i get paranoid. and I don't know what he's gonna do over there when i'm asleep and its daytime or early evening there with the time differance and all. he said he'll be busy getting things sorted for me to go there but i told him i didn't want him to go clubbing or to parties, and he said he won't since he'll be busy trying to find a job and whatnot...I just can't help but think he will go to parties with his friends, who love to drink and get stoned and they'll talk him into going and urgh i don't know what to do!! :(
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i don't really know what to tell you but to just take a deep breath and calm down.
really think about your relationship with him. is he worth it? is he really worth all this drama and stress and anxiety?
if he's not worth all this trouble, then just be honest with him and say its not going to work out. that you don't have good feelings about this and that you don't want to put up with the worries. just be honest with him and tell him how you feel. If you 2 are meant to be together, he will find a way to fight for you. if he doesn't fight for you/try to change your mind.. then maybe you 2 were never mean't to be.
however, if you think he is worth it, i would just calm down. no matter what he says, you're still going to feel this way. he can't control how you feel right now. only you can control your feelings. YOU need to reassure yourself that nothing bad is going to happen. nobody can magically make those bad feelings disappear. you have to learn how to make them go away. nobody in the world can tell you how to do that though.. its all on you. we can give you advice but nobody can tell you the step by step process on how to get over this issue.
my advice is just calm down and relax. take deep breaths and try saying out loud "everything is okay. everything is good." happy thoughts will help a lot. try to look at the positive things. like things he's said to you that mean a lot to you. or things you 2 have done that will reassure you that he is in love with you.
also, DONT be clingy and annoying. don't "check up" on him at night. that just shows lack of trust and will most likely cause fights or more issues. calm down and relax. let things happen naturally. in my opinion, it is better to let things happen naturally and by fate such as he tells you he cheated or something, than to have things happen forcefully such as spying on him and then your relationship ends because of that.
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HHonestly hun, it sounds like you two aren't a great match and that long distance isn’t working for you. You aren’t both getting what you need from this.
'Cause you are right. You don't know that he won’t flirt and carry on. You have no way of knowing. Your distance and lack of contact makes your concerns rather legitimate. You don't have enough experience and evidence of him as a partner to deal with that paranoia - that experience and evidence and trust comes from being close, physically as well as emotionally. Distance is going to harm it. Especially when you are young and apart for long stretches of time.
You can tell yourself all you want that you don't trust the girls he is around - but that's bullshit. It's him you don't trust. If you knew he would choose to behave himself it wouldn't matter if a beautiful naked girl threw herself at him.
It doesn’t make either of you bad people, but it sounds like you’ve tried to establish trust in this long distance arrangement and it’s not working. Which means this relationship isn’t really working.
What you do next depends on what you want to do. If there is a light at the end of this tunnel - a time coming soon when you won’t be apart - maybe you can push yourself through this. If not. If long distance is just the way this has to be, then honestly this probably isn’t the relationship for you. You have legitimate concerns and feelings that cannot be addressed in a long-distance, mostly-online relationship. You've reached the limits of what you can handle with an online relationship. He might have legitimate reasons to be annoyed with that - but just because he might be perfectly behaved and annoyed with your insecurities isn’t going to make your insecurities go away. There isn't enough support and closeness to cure your worries and put your mind at ease. This situation is one you aren’t cool with.
This is why online relationships don’t work very well. There is a limit to how well you can know a person without physical closeness, body language and being in the same damn room together. Without that, your concerns are unlikely to be defeated. It’s perfectly rational to be concerned about this person who you really can’t know as well as you’d want to know someone you’d been with for a year.
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